A Night with a Beauty

Yesterday was nothing short of crazy.

I've been getting more money lately. The more that I focus on making money and getting girls the more they're flowing frequently into my life. It's time to focus more on what I want -- I want to make $2000 by the end of the day and I want to consistently get better every day. I'm sensing opportunities to get stronger every single day. I'm seeing opportunities to make more money every single day.

I'm just going to take life by the dick and run with it. No holds barred. It's time for me to step up and be a f*****g man.

Why would I give money away like that? I know what I'm doing and I know how to make money and I'm going to do it no matter what it takes. This game has brought me many contacts and through those contacts I've managed to create some pretty cool s**t.

Met with Mikey B for the first time in forever the other day. We drank and talked and had some crazy crazy conversations. I've been thinking about emotional communication and how essential it is in relationship development on an internal level and I got to discuss these ideas with another person who thinks outside of conventional consciousness.

Keep in mind that everything I'm saying is theoretical.

I believe that in order to connect with someone on an internal level, where your thoughts are synchronized and you're able to feel what they're saying, empathetically understanding them, you need to be able to see them for who they are and love them regardless. You need to be able to see their demons, their angels, their destructive quaities and their productive qualities, and love them regardless of circumstance.

I believe real love is born through real pain.

I've had some intense things happen to me in my life. Some things that I would wish on no other person ever, and yet I'm so thankful for them all now. Each one of these experiences has moulded me into who I am. 

This does not mean, however, that these experiences still do not affect me on an emotional level, and keep me from being the awesome, positive, inspirational person I can be when I'm in my zone.

A newborn child does not choose his family. He's born into an environment with caregivers and this environment and these caregivers teach their child how to live in this world to the best of their ability with the things that they know. With the information the child acquires in his developing years he ventures off into the world and meets friends who he connects with based on his personality created by his family and these experiences.

Then the child reaches an age where he begins to develop his own consciousness, his own identity. Through a series of decisions and actions he turns himself into this person that he wants to become, or not. Sometimes a child makes a decision that he wants to become a certain person and he does not end up that way. Why is that?

Our brains are hardwired to operate a certain way based on our subconscious beliefs. There are many of these beliefs that affect us on a daily basis without our conscious awareness. Why is it that some people just always win? Why do some people just have bad luck? Why can't some people make any friends? Why are some people surrounded by uplifting people all the time? Why are some people always broke? Why are some people rich all the time?

The mindset that you have causes you to think and act in a certain way and the way that you think and act influences the experiences in your life towards a certain outcome every time. 

Well if that's the case why don't we just think positively and go hard?!!? That's the key.

Nah man, it doesn't work like that. See your brain is hardwired with these beliefs that cause you to feel a certain way. There are times when no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to shake the feeling of anxiety. So I deny that it's there and try to repress it. The more that I repress it though, the more it finds a way to express itself without my awareness. 

We can't just WILLPOWER our way into a better life. We have to use our emotions. Our emotions are FUCKED UP though! Our emotions cause us to be completely irrational and make decisions that we wouldn't logically agree with at any point ever. Our emotions also cause us to rise to greater heights than we ever imagined possible and explore realms of possibility inconceivable to our imagination.

How do we channel these emotions then? Is there a way to just be a positive thinker? How do we get rid of the negative ones?

Thing is we can't get rid of the negative ones. Your brain is hardwired a certain way and you are the way that you are and there is nothing you can do to change that. There is something you can do to improve that. There is something you can do to accept that. 

Open communication is the key to connection. Open communication is best expressed between two people who are in a conversation by themselves. Both people must have an open mind and a non-judgemental perspective. Both people must be willing to be naked with their thoughts. When one person is talking, the other person is listening without judgement and processing everything the other person is saying. The person talking is letting it out. All if it. Sometimes he'll come to a point that's hard to express, and he'll stutter, and stop himself from saying it. Person two will encourage him to express himself and listen with an open heart. The talker will let it out. Sometimes tears are necessary. The listener will listen without judgement, and once the talker is finished, the listener will express him selves.

There are experiences that have affected me on a deep emotional level that cause me to behave in a way that harms my relationships. Abusive stepfathers in a rage express their anger by hitting me, and I hate this behaviour. This causes me to be ashamed and hide whenever I feel angry or mad because I'm afraid that one day I'll lash out and hit someone that I love. I never knew this was happening inside of my mind until I was confronted by someone in one of these one on one scenarios described above.

I was hanging out with a friend and my friend was upset. I tried to console her, but no matter what I said she remained upset and refused to express her emotion to me. My desire to connect with her lead me to talk about things we could do to make the situation better, how we could fix why she was upset, trying to depress the impact of the emotion she was feeling but no matter what I said she refused to listen to me and only got more and more upset, finally closing her mind off to me and going silent.

I was mad.

I suddenly felt the urge to get up and go to the gym. I packed my gym clothes and put on my gym bag. 

"Where are you going?" my friend asked.

"Im going to the gym. You're upset and not talking and I have s**t to do." I stated.

"Don't leave." she said.

"I'm leaving. I'm dropping you off and going to the gym. Let's go." 

"Why are you mad? I don't like it when you're mad." she said. She looked me directly in the eyes as she got up and blocked me from leaving my room. She closed the door. Her eyes connected with mine and I felt her worry.

"Put down your bag, sit down, let's talk."

I was frustrated. I put down my bag and sat down. I was so f*****g pissed and I didn't know why. 

"Why are you mad?"

"I'm sitting here trying to talk to you and you're not giving me anything! Why the f**k would I just sit here if it means nothing anyways. You clearly don't give a s**t so I'm leaving and I don't want to be here. I just want to work out."

"Woah, why do you need to leave? Talk to me. You don't have to leave because you're mad."

"I always leave when I'm mad. I hate being mad around people."

"Why do you hate being mad around people?"

And there it came. I told her how I witnessed my stepfather beat my mother, myself and all of our younger siblings. Through this abuse I grew a hard shell and refused to trust people. I also saw how my father, a man who I was learning off of as a child, expressed his rage. This did not connect with who I am internally though and I hated this behaviour. I hated the way that he acted when he was mad.

I learned off of him though, and the way that he acted around me is a part of me. Every experience shapes us. Including the ones we hate the most. I hate getting mad around people because I'm afraid that I'll act the same way that he did when he was mad and I hated that. I love the people that I love so deeply and it would be the worst pain in the world to hurt someone that I love so I leave. I never knew why I left but I always do. I'm always afraid of being mad so I just leave. I work out. 

In order to be a successful human being in this world that knows what he wants and gets what he wants, I must be able to be comfortable feeling all of my emotions. If I am not, then when I'm in a business meeting and I'm mad, I'll leave, and this action will have a negative impact on the outcome of that meeting. I must be comfortable both feeling and expressing EVERY emotion that I feel every single day. The emotions that I feel aren't normal either, some of them are fucked up. I need to be able to talk to someone and have them understand me without judgement, listening with an open ear, as my mouth expresses the stream of consciousness that I don't have conscious access to by myself. 

I learn who i am through my connection to other people.