Deadlines

Meet Ben and Jerry who have lots of boredom to fill with tears, laughter and pranks... Mostly tears... From Ben. These two are in their final year at university and have neglected their work.

 

 

 

Deadlines

 

Authored By

Muhammad Ali & Tim Wharton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

STAGE LIT

BEN ASLEEP ON A CHAIR STAGE LEFT

JERRY IS GREETING AUDIENCE MEMBERS AS THEY ENTER.

1^st SCENE

JERRY

(RUSHING ON TO STAGE) BEN! BEN! BEN! Ben wake up! (Taps Ben who doesn’t wake, this goes on for another 2 times until jerry finally kicks the chair shouting Ben and it falls backwards)

BEN

(Instantly wakes and stands, goes to the closest female audience member) “O Helena, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine! To what, my love, shall I compare thine eyne? Crystal is muddy. Oh, how ripe in show. Thy lips, those kissing cherries, tempting grow! That pure congealèd white, high Taurus' snow, fanned with the eastern wind, turns to a crow. When thou hold’st up thy hand. Oh, let me kiss this princess of pure white, this seal of bliss!”

JERRY

Ben, shut up! She probably isn’t even called Helena. (Slight pause) You done the plan for the workshop?

BEN

(Clueless) What?

JERRY

The workshop? You know our final assignment for our final year at uni?

 

BEN

Oh… (Thinks, long pause, turns to jerry and smiles nervously).

JERRY

You haven’t done it have ya? (Ben nods, jerry bursts out laughing at Ben). Good neither have I.

BEN

I’ll have you know! That instead I’ve spent my time refining my already REFINED skills of Shakespearean acting! (Poses)

JERRY

(Bursts into laughter) HA! Refined, that's as funny as the time I caught you listening to one direction (Ben scorns) we really need to get this lesson plan sorted mate.

 BEN

We should do it on Shakesp-

JERRY

No, we should do it on something we’re good at...

BEN

Shakespear-

JERRY

BEN! I will hurt you… (Long pause) OH I know! Naturalism? We did that one show in first year and it went amazing! Well… I did amazing! You did a half decent job at convincing the audience you had emotions.

 

BEN

Ok… how would we introduce ourselves?

JERRY

Hi, we’re Ben & Jerry, yes we’ve heard the joke a million times…and in case you were wondering… it’s chocolate fudge brownie

BEN

Jerry this isn't a lonely hearts ad.

JERRY

Ok. Man mode (pumping himself up pretending to lift weights) how about we each come up with some ideas during the week and have a little show n’ tell eh?

BEN

Fine... just hope I can come up with some…

JERRY

Course you can, we can do anything! Remember our promise from when we first met?

(Ben & Jerry look towards the audience and freeze, club music slowly rises and they begin to dance. They are both dancing separately trying to get the attention of other people. An announcement is made by the Dj and ‘Dolly Parton’s Jolene is played. They both spring into action and notice each other enjoying the same song, this whole scene lasts a minute and the music starts to fade)

BEN

Yeah... That one day we are gonna be as big as Dolly!

 

JERRY

Well strap your cat suit on! Pin on your sequin ten gallon hat, we've got work to do!

FADE IN:

SANDWICH SCENE:

BEN IS PRACTICING PHYSICAL THEATRE SKILLS THROUGHOUT

 Ben is stood upstage left with a book in hand, performing different pieces of physical theatre. He is trying to create a workshop with warm-ups

JERRY

(Slumped over a seat in an exhausted fashion) Man, I’m hungry. You wanna cook my dinner?

BEN

 I’m not doing anything… You still owe me for the fine cuisine I cooked us the other day. You sat about doing nothing!

JERRY

First of all, you put chips and a pizza in the oven for twenty minutes. There are gorillas in zoos trained to do that for treats. Second of all, I was saving a race of unarmed aliens from mass genocide and destruction. I’m practically a war hero you know; without the badges and women wanting to pleasure me.

BEN

You’re an extremely deluded man, you know that?

JERRY

You’re just jealous I have an imagination. I can see your mind being this lonesome office worker. (Gets out of the chair) Arranging thoughts, day in and day out, waiting for the sweet release of death. Collect me oh angel of the night! Save me from this cranium of monotonous labour. (Jerry starts practicing his voice scales) LA LA LA LA LA LA

BEN

What’s wrong with you?

JERRY

Nothing. Maybe I get psychotic when I’m hungry?

BEN

Great, I get stabbed to death in my own flat, because my house mate can’t cook himself some dinner.

JERRY

It’s not that I can’t cook. There happens to be nothing in I’ll have you know (Tips a packet of something upside down to show the lack of food)

BEN

(Gets up and frantically looks about the kitchen) F**k off, we went shopping the other day, we bought loads!

JERRY

(To Ben offstage) We’re male university students living on our own. Both of whom comfort eat through lack of female attention.

BEN

True… That’s s**t! I really wanted a ham sandwich... (Continues looking coming back on stage)

 

JERRY

Yeah I could destroy some tuna pasta! (Goes offstage)

BEN

I’d kill for a ham sandwich!

(Lighting changes to a darker atmosphere. Jerry grabs a cloak and shrouds himself in it. A single light shines down on Ben)

JERRY

(Coming back on stage) Kill did you say?

BEN

What’s this?! When did you find time to do all this? How did you change the lights?

JERRY

You have uttered the words! The vocal contract, written since the dawn of language itself. (Sets up the room like a sacrifice)

BEN

Dude you’re freaking me out! If this is some prank for YouTube it’s failed.

JERRY

No prank here my friend. Only decisions!

BEN

What are you talking about? Are you high?

JERRY

You have forced me to give you the options. You must decide on how much you desire what you spoke!

 

BEN

What?

JERRY

The sandwich! You requested the sandwich! (Begins to chant and hum)

BEN

I said ‘I’d kill for a sandwich’ yeah...

JERRY

See! You have summoned the dark spirits, otherworldly beings who can create your deepest desires!

BEN

Right... And what do we have to do, kill a goat? Get the sperm of a unicorn and spurt it in the eye of the village hag? You’re not right in the head you man... (Tries to leave the living room)

(Jerry rushes in front of him and produces a knife. He forces the knife in Ben’s hand and runs back to centre stage, where he kneels down and produces his neck to be slit)

BEN

What are you doing? Get up!

JERRY

You must kill another to obtain what you desire!

BEN

Are you asking me to kill you for a ham sandwich?

 

JERRY

You must! Before time runs out and the portal for the spirits closes.

BEN

I’m not going to murder my house mate for a sandwich. Nothing less than a lead role at the globe would make me do that!

JERRY

It’s too late to change what you wanted! Hurry before it’s too late for the both of us!

BEN

The both of us?

JERRY

Yes! I’m a protector of the words. If you kill me I return. If you fail to commit to your blood pact, I’m sent to the worst place imaginable.

BEN

I’ve seen you go there before. What was she called? Sarah? Alice? Thorg leader of the pig women?

JERRY

That’s enough of your sass Mr (He tilts his head back to bare his neck)

Do it! (He falls weak to the floor)

BEN

Bit of a cliché’ death don’t you think?

….Jerry?

(He goes to check him)

Jesus Christ! Mate!

(He looks at the knife and decides to do what he was asked. Mozart’s requiem starts to play. Just before the blade touches Jerry’s neck, he springs to life)

JERRY

You were gonna do it! You were gonna kill me for a ham sandwich!

BEN

I thought you were dead!

JERRY

Would have been if you’d have had your nasty way with me.

BEN

I panicked!

JERRY

You failed mate. Minus ten friend points for you Mr

BEN

I’ll buy pizza?

JERRY

Plus ten friend points for you, you little murderer!

BEN

What was all that about?

 

JERRY

As my good friend Artaud says “Life is art”, I will get a first by the end of this week!

STAGE LEFT, BRIGHT SPOTLIGHT

STAGE RIGHT, DIM SPOTLIGHT

JERRY IS FRANTICALLY ARRANGING THINGS WHILST SIPPING WHISKY

BEN IS IN A LECTURE ON SHAKESPEARE, STAGE LEFT

(Ben is unbelievably excited about this lecture and keeps interrupting until he is told to leave and goes off stage. By this time Jerry has prepared the flat for his prank)

JERRY

(Sat centre stage with a tumbler of whiskey in a low light. He occasionally takes a depressing drag of a cigarette and sips from his drink. He is looking through old photos)

BEN

(Enters from a stage exit running excitedly to find Jerry sat alone) JERRY JERRY JERRY!! I HAVE JUST HAD THE BEST LECTURE OF MY LIFE!

JERRY

Hmm?

BEN

What’s wrong with you? (Looks around) oh? Are we modernising Hamlet now? Drinking through the pain of having to kill your own uncle? O. The Woes!

JERRY

Ben! Now’s really not the time…

BEN

You alright?

JERRY

What? No; I’m fine.

BEN

You’re obviously not man! People who are alone drinking generally need to talk. Come on, tell me what’s up. Do I need list off words of the master himself?

JERRY

Don’t do it.

BEN

(He clears his throat and massages his neck) Blushing, Drugged, Monumental, Swagger, Obscene.

JERRY

Not now, not today. I just want be left alone to wallow in my own pit of despair (He finishes off his drink and lights up another cigarette)

BEN

Come on, we’re best friends. If you can’t tell me, you can’t tell anyone, and that’s not healthy! Here’s my shoulder, slap that beautiful face on it and show me your soul… Jolene.

JERRY

(Hesitant at first, he slowly gets up and crosses to an almost empty bottle on the side. He pours the final drink, takes a sip with his back towards ‘Ben’) Okay; But you’ll think I’m mad.

BEN

Already do mate nothing you could say would shock me.

JERRY

That’s what you think, but I know things that will change your entire perception of the world. I’ve seen things you thought only existed in fiction!

BEN

What like all them “replies” you get from your E-harmony ads?

(Jerry begins to get up and collect his things)

Sorry, Carry on.

JERRY

(Grabs the scruff of bens collar) you want to know why I’m hurting. Want to realise the pain I suffer every year?

BEN

Whoa! Calm down; tell me, I’m all ears I promise.

JERRY

(Goes back to his original seating centre stage) It’s nothing

BEN

It obviously isn’t, please ‘Jerry’

JERRY

My sister that’s all. I just miss my baby sister! (Hands ‘Ben’ a photograph)

BEN

Sister? I didn’t know you had a sister; I’m sorry to hear this. You should have told me, I wouldn’t have been so insensitive towards you if I knew you were mourning. I’m sorry, I really am!

JERRY

She’s not dead. (Takes another sip)

BEN

O; so does she live far away or..?

JERRY

(He Sniggers and turns to ‘Ben’) Nah; She’s alive and she’s in this country. Not that it feels that way.

 

BEN

How come?

JERRY

(Long pause) Hogwarts.

BEN

Hogwarts?

JERRY

Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.

BEN

Harry potters fictional school is the reason your sister is missing?

JERRY

(Increasing laughter) fictional! I’m sick of hearing people tell me how much they love those “Stories”, how “I’d be a Gryffindor because I’m courageous” Everyone’s following the myth, but no one wants to accept the facts, no one wants to acknowledge the reality!

BEN

Mate I think you’ve had enough. Here, give me your drink and we’ll get you some water (he walks up to ‘Jerry’ to take the glass)

JERRY

DON’T YOU EVER TELL ME I’M WRONG! You don’t know…

BEN

(Panicked) Hogwarts isn’t real ‘Jerry’; it’s in the movies and books. You’re just drunk.

JERRY

That’s what they want you to think, can’t have “Muggles” in their lives, so they publish fiction based on truth to delude the masses into believing the lie!

BEN

What?

JERRY

‘Muggleborn’ Ben… My sister was a ‘Muggleborn!’

BEN

You’re trying to convince me that your sister, who you’ve never mentioned, is a “Muggleborn” who studies witchcraft at Hogwarts?

JERRY

Correct.

BEN

F**k off, you stupid b*****d.

JERRY

Did you even look at the picture?

BEN

(Looks) Oh? Guess your sister was a true fan? Got the whole lot hasn’t she?

JERRY

Ha! Funny guy! Look at what platform she’s on

BEN

(Slight pause) But how? When? Man, explain!

JERRY

(Gets up pours another drink and faces the audience as if he is looking out of a window with tumbler in hand) It was a nice enough summer night, the ambience of the street was relaxed, kids where one by one retreating to their houses. The sun slowly cast behind the clouds and filled the sky a beautiful scene of orange and red. But something just didn’t feel right, like a melancholy presence descended on our house. My parents carried on as usual, blissfully unaware of the impending destruction soon to visit our front door. That knock, will haunt my dreams till the very day my soul ceases to exist. I was asked to stay in my room, but sister was invited to meet whoever had come in. Naturally, I wanted to know what was happening; so I crept downstairs. There sat on our couch was this very eccentric looking woman, dressed like someone on a charity shop budget would. I heard words like witch and magic. I already knew my sister was a ‘Harry Potter’ fan, so I figured she’d won a competition or something. I returned to my bedroom without a word, with a moronic ideal that nothing could have changed. But we all make mistakes as kids don’t we? (Begins to sob)

BEN

(Stunned) Mate… I’m sorry. But I still don’t get why you can’t see her? They go home for holidays don’t they?

JERRY

Yeah they do. I figured the same as you when I found out, thought it’d be cool. But that place changes them.

BEN

Yeah into a magical warrior! That’s sick!

JERRY

(Pretends he didn’t hear what Ben just said) they don’t want to come home. Who leaves a mundane street in the north of England, to be shown things you didn’t even believe to be possible, to come back?

BEN

For family? She’ll get home sick? That surely happens to an 11 year old girl?

JERRY

Slytherin

BEN

Say no more.

So where does she live? She can’t be there all the time?

JERRY

Turns out the books romanticise the school a little, it actually has very good child care facilities with great extra curriculum activities for applicants to wizard universities.

BEN

So, no Harry?

JERRY

Bloke who wrote it

BEN

No Dumbledore?

JERRY

His fabulously gay uncle apparently

BEN

No Dobby? (Upset)

JERRY

Actually he’s some famous Elf freedom fighter, who runs the revolution or something.

BEN

Alright cut the s**t.

JERRY

What?

BEN

I know you; I know that you can’t keep away from taking every detail in improvisation to the max. You know too much for an estranged brother.

JERRY

Well stick a pipe in one end and a ‘Watson’ in the other. It’s “Sherlock Holmes”! I knew it was getting close to the edge.

BEN

What is this? Why can’t we just be normal students?

JERRY

This is practising my dear friend, I’m blowing our tutors brains harder than any drug could, and I’m going to act their souls off!

BEN

I need a f*****g drink...

BLACKOUT

 

(The stage lights up from blackout, loud music and club style lights are playing over the actions of Ben and Jerry. Ben is at one side of the stage, he is ordering a drink at an empty bar. Jerry is at the other side sat drinking and looking miserable.)

(The music dies down so that the performers are audible)

JERRY

Look at that fella, he’s got the looks, the money, and the girls but has he got soul? (He takes a drink and pulls out a packet of cigarettes, to which he finds empty)

Jesus Christ, my lungs will hate me in the morning.

(He downs his drink)

What is this? This façade of fun we call “getting on it”? It’s just another means for us to fund the pigs in charge. A clever way really, I mean they have us thinking we’re having the best times of our lives and slowly but surely, we’re killing our intelligence one jager bomb at a time! I’ll give it to you government; you’re f*****g us good and proper. I mean we don’t want it and that’s technically rape, but who are we going to tell? The guys in charge?

(Ben has been served and is carrying two pints across the stage)

BEN

One tankard of ale, my good friend.

JERRY

Unlike you to get a round in, you must be feeling the effects of lady liquor.

BEN

Indeed I am fine fellow. The ale is flowing, people are happy and I feel on top of the world. This must be how Shakespeare felt after he wrote one of the greats. Well maybe not ‘Hamlet’ but I’d say this grins got to be up there with ‘Macbeth’ or ‘The Tempest’.

JERRY

Glad to see you’re enjoying it

BEN

You’re not I take it?

JERRY

Why are we kidding ourselves ‘Ben’ we’re not meant to be here! Look around!

 

BEN

These guys are sports students; they need these bodies like we need emotions.

JERRY

I don’t need emotions, I need a f*****g piss.

(Jerry stumbles off stage)

BEN

(He finishes his drink, and then helps himself to what’s left of Jerry’s. He collects the glasses and goes to the bar to get another round. He crosses the stage. As he does, he bumps into someone and spills both pints down them. He is instantly apologetic)

Ah; sorry about that chap. Guess I didn’t see you. Hope it dry’s, wouldn’t want to ruin someone’s night.

(He heads toward the table but is stopped)

What? I said I was sorry man; it was an accident I swear!

No I’m not being funny; I don’t even class myself as funny! I let my friends make the jokes. Listen we’ve obviously got off on the wrong foot, I’m Ben, sorry about the drinks.

(He is pushed backwards)

Now there’s no need for violence. See these arms? They’re not fighting arms. “The pen is mightier than the sword”. How about I buy you a drink? Show you that I’m a decent guy.

(At this point Jerry has entered the stage. Ben is knocked to the ground with a punch. Jerry runs over and kneels down beside him)

JERRY

S**t! Ben are you alright? Mate I didn’t think you had it in you. Fighting the man!

BEN

Do you honestly think I would start a fight? I spilled our drinks on him and now he wants to fight me.

JERRY

O; I just thought that was glistening sweat or an oily spray tan.

(He is kicked in the stomach)

(Winded) I didn’t spill the drinks you leather skinned Neanderthal!

(He cowers before a punch in the face)

BEN

“Methinks thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee” for thou plagues the senses of every man with such offensive and gratuitous actions. Such ways create a façade of masculinity, but thou art nothing but a toad, a pigeon livered wench!

JERRY

He’s looking confused and pissed off man. Stop with the Jacobean insults! There isn’t anything scarier than a strong and angry idiot.

BEN

What and let this knave rob us of our dignity? We’re thespians Jerry, we can work around this, we can out smart him!

(They both get to their feet with great pride and enter a fighting stance)

Prepare ones blunt brain, as thou cannot understand the insults I give thee, I shall go slower so one can catch up. As a man of the world, an intellect in this current quarrel I laugh at the futile attempts of mere conversation. Methinks he has nothing but the brain of a donkey on the body of a god. This not being an act of Oberon I must conclude ones mother must have laid with the town drunkard.

(They fist bump)

JERRY

Yeah man! I mean look at you, swanning around this club like you have a god given right to treat people as you please. You’re nothing mate, a stain on the education system, an academic solely held here by the fact you can run a little faster than the normal human. I say you pick up a book and understand what it means to be human, what makes you think, not run. You failed example of the yolo generation!

(They are both knocked to the ground with punches)

(BLACKOUT)

BEN SITTING BY THE DESK, STAGE LEFT

JERRY LAYING ON THE FLOOR STAGE RIGHT READING A BOOK

DIM SPOTLIGHT

BEN

Did we get into a fight last night? What happened?

JERRY

You honestly don’t remember?

BEN

Not after that dirty pint you concocted! I can still taste hot dog brine (spits)

JERRY

So you have no memory of our lonesome night in ‘Liquid’? That you started a fight with a man twice your size and half your intelligence?

BEN

I couldn’t have been that stupid

JERRY

WELL mate let me... How do you say? “Enlighten” you… (Clears his throat, walks over to Ben and helps him memory track) My head feels like my frontal lobe is threatening suicide, my stomach feels like Mike Tyson found it sleeping with his wife and our reputation around this university has fallen lower than a heroin addicts morals. And I for one can’t love you enough, fighting the man like that you little warrior.

BEN

F**k off mate, that’s not even funny…

JERRY

You’re right; (Slight pause) you should get drunk more often

BEN

(Gets up) What? So I can act as your jester and keep you entertained by making myself look like a dick?

JERRY

The world needs you Ben! Think about it… (Puts an arm around Ben and pretends to ‘show’ him the future) the saviour of humanity from the endless boredom cycle that capitalism has us trapped in... The sole rebel, the non-conformist! The absolute epitome of freedom! That can be you! It IS you! By drowning yourself in the sparkling mixture of jagermeister and red bull you truly do gain the wings of freedom and show us the path to endless possibilities, INFINITY & BEYOND!, the edge of the world! The the the --

BEN

Just shut up Jerry! (Walks over to the blanket and settles in) You don’t even know what the f**k you’re on about, you might need to get yourself checked out mate

JERRY

Or am I the only sane person who can see it all? The keeper of truth! The oracle!

BEN

The Bell-end

JERRY

The creator I’ll have you know! You need to look past the limits of humanity and see what’s truly out there

BEN

(Getting up) What’s “truly out there” is people like you who are deluded in their own little world. Who think they can go about life spreading their glee wherever they please. Well no Jerry that’s not how it works, you might have the fairy tale life people dream about but some of us, no, most of us are sitting here trying to figure out how the hell we’re going to sort things out, because WE can’t be like YOU, who have everything. Everything but a f*****g brain to see that every single word you release from your god forsaken mouth, is just a simple load of balls and I can’t blame you either! Because you don’t know what it’s like, so you can only imagine “saviour of the world” or “the keeper of truth” HA! Keeper of truth? You don’t even know the first thing about truth when all you do is speak and s**t out lies. So go do me a favour, take your bullshit little happy life elsewhere Jerry, cos’ I don’t want to be your “saviour”.

JERRY

Ben... you alright mate?

BEN

Piss off “mate”

(Ben exits and leaves Jerry centre stage)

(BLACKOUT)

Ben is pacing up and down the stage; he is trying to put together something without Jerry.

BEN

Hi my names Ben, this is going to be on the method and its advantages in creating contemporary theatre. No no no, that makes me sound like that bell end…

Jerry creeps in and watches from the side of the room, he is holding a skull.

Firstly I would like to talk about memory tracking, a very effective method if you can sympathize with characters’ certain emotions such as anger or guilt.

JERRY

Suppose I better get tracking then ay mate

BEN

Jerry, just don’t ok? I don't need you taking the piss out of me right now. I need to get this sorted, unlike you.

JERRY

I'm not here to take the piss, I promise. Look! (He holds up the skull)

 

BEN

Get off Yorick. (Goes to take the skull)

JERRY

(Moves away) No wait, I'm here to show you I respect you as an actor, and that I'm capable making myself a 'saviour' of this friendship.

(He recites some Shakespeare, then bows to Ben and hands over the skull)

BEN

Wrong play for the prop; but you’ve impressed me.

JERRY

Friends?

BEN

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I'm begging of you please don't take my man.

(They hug and laugh)

JERRY

Right, you got 12 hours to etch Shakespeare into my skull. (Clicks his pen on his pad, and takes a seat)

JERRY

Mate, YOU’LL need about 12 days with your attention span, but that’s where I come in.

 

 

JERRY

I doth my cap to you sir. Begin!

(BLACKOUT)

(Throughout the blackout voices and a clock ticking can be heard)

BEN

(A phone ringing, then gets picked up after 10 secs)

Mum? Guess what? ME AND JERRY BOTH GOT FIRSTS!

MALE

Ok, see you soon!

(Phone is hung up)

BEN

JERRY! Jerry! Our agent just rung! (Sings Jolene)

JERRY

(Clapping and cheering can be heard, jerry is crying) I would like to thank so many people… my mum, dad, dolly parton, but mainly, I want to thank my platonic life partner! Benjamin West I couldn’t have done it without you! Get up here!

NEWS ANCHOR

Today we mourn the death of Jerry Hughes, controversial yet loved talent. The world has lost a truly special person.

 

 

 

BEN

(Notably older voice) He was my life! There was nothing we didn’t do together! There’s no ben without jerry. So yes, he was an important part in not only the act, but my development as an actor as well…

 Soundscape of night animals and subtle wind, two men are already on stage. They are wearing black trench coats and are both centre stage holding a shovel. Man 1 lights up a cigarette and the stage is dimly lit as this happens.

MAN 1

These jumped up bloody b******s, knew it wouldn’t be long till one followed the other! Only last year that we had to do this for the first one, he wasn’t any smaller by the time he came here either.

MAN 2

Who’re you talking about?

MAN 1

You don’t know what we’re doing right now do you?

MAN 2

To tell you the truth, no I don’t. Gaffa gave me a bell at like midnight saying one of our important clients needed to be put to rest straight away, perfect night for it or something.

MAN 1

And you have no idea who this important b*****d is do you?

MAN 2

Not a clue boss. Must have been a few slices short of a full loaf if he wanted this burial though.

MAN 1

This laddie is “Ben”. The Ben & Jerry Ben.

 

MAN 2

No! Well it’s a pleasure to meet you lad (He taps the top of the coffin) our lass is a big fan of your ice cream, buys it at least once a month.

MAN 1

Not that Ben & Jerry you idiot. The famous acting duo, the wacky weird lads, fat and Asian fellas.

(Man 2 shrugs and begins to pick up a shovel)

You’re telling me you’ve never heard of them? Never seen “Mother knows best”? It’s a classic.

MAN 2

Nah sorry, where they big back in your day then?

MAN 1

You cheeky s**t! They were big, till about 20 years ago when comedy moved on. Before all these teen mum benefit competitions. Comedy used to be created from observations and situations.

MAN 2

Well that sounds thrilling.

MAN 1

It bloody was! These guys were great, they just weren’t normal. Hence this little pre-dawn dig we’re having (He also picks up a shovel but does less work than man 2)

MAN 2

So we’re digging a hole, keeping it in the cliché of some Frankenstein esc movie, on a stormy night, because these two old celebs were a little funny in the head?

MAN 1

That’s right.

MAN 2

How funny are we talking?

MAN 1

Well it depends on what you value as funny. These guys where from the 2010’s. So it was a case of them challenging comedy for that era, while the rest of society deteriorated into what we cherish today.

MAN 2

So what, a couple of affairs and some offensive posts on that; tweetbook or whatever you had back then?

MAN 1

(Laughs) No, it was more a case of them creating in their own way. While Jerry became more of a public figure with his actions. Once sucked the ring off Elizabeth II’s finger and gave it the next person of Indian decent he saw. Apologising for the rocky relationship they’d had, but promising to put more effort in this time.

MAN 2

So it was Jerry who was crazy?

MAN 1

Well; he was different but so was Ben. Apparently he once did a full version of “Hamlet” with toddlers to show he could make anyone act. (Slaps coffin) Thought you were “Spielberg” didn’t you lad.

 

MAN 2

Who?

MAN 1

Jesus Christ this generation.

MAN 2

So if they were so big, how come I haven’t heard about them?

MAN 1

Well you’ve heard of Picasso right? Famous for chopping his ear off? Well Ben and Jerry are famous for wiping they’re entire history from the public eye.

MAN 2

What?

MAN 1

They climbed to the top, enjoyed the views then decided it was time to come down. But with them, came every DVD, every YouTube video, every offensive tweet.

MAN 2

Why?

MAN 1

Sometimes when a man has everything, his only desire, is nothing.

(END)

Author's Note

Work in progress

Co-writer: Tim Wharton