Web Journal Of Red Pill Coyote - January 21, 2022

Hey... No humorous intro for this entry... I had a devastating nightmare last night... It wasn't about some spaghetti yeti pasta monster trying slurp me up. That would at least be positively stimulating. It was more domesticated... It was about Pam... I had a dream that I was walking around town and I see Pam with a group of friends. You know how I feel about that... Idk why she can't be an actual friend of mine.. And in the dream to see her actually hanging out with people and not at all inviting me, it just sent poisonous darts to my spirit. And then she was telling me why she wouldn't have anything to do with me in a cold manner. Of course, I hate seeing people having fun and not fully understanding why I can't be apart of it... I think I had this dream because the other day while I was at Wal-Mart, she was just there as a regular costumer and she was talking to two other women and... I got jealous of them. She didn't talk to me at all... I feel nothing but platonic attraction to her but I guess I can't help to feel this bittersweet weight from her because she was the closest to being my friend during a fairly vulnerable time in my life. Specifically late 2019, early 2020. 

I had no friends

Wasn't going anywhere in life

I got ABSOLUTELY F*****G TIRED OF GOING ON TO SOCIAL MEDIA AND SEEING PEOPLE I KNOW IN MY TOWN HAVING FUN TOGETHER AND MAKING SOMETHING OF THEMSELVES AND THEY COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO INVITE ME OR HELP ME OUT IN ANY SORT OF WAY. I THOUGHT FRIENDS HELPED EACH OTHER OUT. HARDLY ANY ONE AROUND HERE IS MY ACTUAL FRIEND. I DID S**T FOR THEM THOUGH DESPITE MY F*****G DISABILITIES AND DISORDERS THAT EVERYONE LIKES TO MENTION.

My parents didn't seem to wanna do much.

I had tried to put on a more down to earth mask so maybe I could get actual friends to do stuff with and a job. Nobody gave a f**k about the EFFORT and ENERGY I put into it. It's not like I didn't f*****g try to improve. Ya know? 

I felt so bored, lonely and lost that I tried running away until the Ross County police got involved and I was sent back home. I wasn't hand cuffed or put in jail. I was just taken to a gas station to get picked up by my parents. 

And then I got back home and I was just out of it the next day.. We were at a restaurant and they were playing Tiffany's I Saw Him Standing There(That's why I feel like Tiffany could be supernatural) while I had my head down and they were talking about MAYBE getting me into college. Of course, it never f*****g happened. We just go to a restaurant and go back home for the rest of the day. In fact, what I was complaining about is still prevalent today, obviously. I just don't cry about it as much as I used to. So, I just feel like the ultimate doomer. And I made a video a few days ago, uploaded to Youtube, and I just let my frontal lobe fly out of my mouth. It was just a rant. I didn't even care if anybody from around town saw it. It was just me unleashing my intestines that have been lit on fire. And I'm not going to just bathe every local person in negative energy. I have had a few SLIGHTLY inspirational people in my life that have tried helping.. I appreciate the EFFORT. Like my therapist Mary who I haven't spoke to since like August of last year. With the way she talks, it seems like things WILL change and she has spoken to my parents about getting me into a program. THEN IT ALL FALLS because my parents aren't go getters at all. I love them but necklace girl told me that BOTH my mom and dad sound like they have "empty nest syndrome". Not saying they do. That was just what she told me.

Anyways, apparently someone around here is stalking me and I really don't care. Quite indifferent, actually... Necklace girl messaged me that I should tell my parents.. Cool. I'll just kick back, relax with a bag a popcorn and see how things transpire...

Btw, if my parents' friends ever see my posts. Particularly this one, you guys are the biggest douchebags I've ever had to put up with. Gerontophobia is somewhat correct. WHATEVER YOU SAY BOOMER! A lot of the old people in Southern Ohio are just awful. No wonder why the children services in the area are so incompetent and evil.

Anyways... One day, I was joking with my mom and I asked her what cold feet means and she told me the literal definition and I just stuck my foot down the toilet and I'm like "Now, it's literal". Hahahaha... I feel like crap, so I might as well treat my self like crap. Hahahaha... Another day, I dug out a poopy wet wipe out of the trash can and I bring it to the living room and I was telling my mom I should use it as a face mask. She gets my humor... Straight up toilet humor... I don't want people to think I don't do anything for my parents like the seraphim servant I should be. It's not always gags. I at least paid for my parents' meals at Fazoli's and I walked all the way up to the store to get mom her mashed potatoes she wanted... 

I just hate going to stores and feeling like the ultimate loner or social outcast.. Always being alone fills me with anxiety like people around me are making fun of me for always being alone...