Recovery-1

 She died, to save me, I can't really bring myself to believe it, it hurts too much to accept that she's really gone, and that I'll never see her again. I can't even remember it all right now, I remember standing on the roof, then waking up in the hospital. Before I knew, the doctors would only tell me that I'm on a 72-hour suicide watch. Pointless if you ask me, I'll just finish what I started when I get home. Mom came by, all teary eyed and still in shock from my attempt, to say that as soon as I'm out they're putting me in therapy, I figured it was cause I tried to jump, and she was probably wondering why her son would want to off himself. I couldn't even remember what went wrong with me jumping. How did I survive? One doctor, tall clean-cut pretty boy, came in to check on where I hit my head and make sure my bandages were okay. I asked him why I was alive, he just ignored me, I asked again, he said that I wasn't ready to know. I demanded he tell me, but all he said was 'Boy you're lucky to be alive'. What the hell kind of a response is that! So, I got out of bed and stormed past him yelling that if he wouldn't tell me I'd find someone who would.

    But once on my feet I felt incredibly woozy, I lurched to the nearest desk with a nurse at it, glared at her and said 'I should be dead about now, but I'm not now you're going to tell me why!' I couldn't stand up I was so dizzy I was leaned all over the desk like a drunk, toppling papers and staplers all over the floor. She shoved out of her chair, scurried over to me and with the help of some other doctor carried me back to my bed. That's when they told me what happened. That's when they told me that Alessandra died. They said she shoved me back, so I fell back on the roof safe other than a mild concussion, she on the other hand, lost her footing, and fell fourteen stories to her death, police found me on the roof of the apartment complex unconscious.

    The news immediately made me sick to my stomach. I didn't know what to say or do, I just sat there rigid like a rock my brown hair falling in my face. I should have been the one to die, not her. She had so much she wanted to do, she had a future, and she wasn't supposed to die. I might as well have murdered her. Why would she save me anyways? I wanted to die, not her. She loved life and every second of it.

    I miss her already. Her warm smile that could melt the ice caps, her long blonde hair, her laugh, so contagious everyone couldn't help but join her, her voice, always asking me what's wrong, telling me to try and cheer up. If it weren't for me, she'd be in math making faces at her calculator. She'd be laughing and smiling like she always does, trying to get me to do the same. I know it hurt her every time I'd never smile, the look on her face told me so even when she'd keep smiling. Maybe if I'd faked a smile once in a while she wouldn't have worried about me so much and wouldn't have come to see if I was all right yesterday. Then I'd be dead instead.

    I wonder if anyone at school knows what happened yet, they're going to hate me so much more once I get back. They have no reason not to, everyone loved her, she was everyone's best friend. She was my only friend, no one else really liked me at all. No one understood why she even talked to me, but no matter what anyone said she still would. I don't even know why she ever came near me, what the hell did she ever see in me. I guess it was just her big heart and her annoying impulse to care about everyone. God, I'm so horrible.

    I leaned back in bed, and struggled to remember exactly what happened, and how it wound up being Alise instead of me.

    Parts of it started coming back to me.

    Tuesday afternoon.

    At sunset.

    Standing on the edge.

    Birds cawing in the distance.

    Wind blowing through my hair.

    I was ready.

    That's when the door opened.

    She knew it was my hiding spot when I needed to get away from everything. I took her up there for the first time to watch the sunset two years ago, and then it became a daily thing for us. We haven't in at least a month, since I decided I needed to be done; I needed to know she wouldn't be there when I did it. She didn't need to be there for that, it'd break her heart. At first I'd just tell her I was busy that night, and then eventually she started calling my bluffs, so I started keeping the door locked. In math, she'd ask me why, but I wouldn't answer, I'd just look away and not say a thing, just like I would to anyone else. One day it actually made her cry, and I wanted to apologize and tell her she could come up again, but I didn't, I wanted out too bad. So instead I just ignored her tears and opened up my math book.

    But of course, she knew yesterday that something was terribly wrong. I swear somehow she knew. She wasted no time in questions. "No!" she screamed. Then she ran towards me, she said something I still can't remember. What happened next is still really hazy, but I see what I remember in slow motion, I can remember feeling her tiny hands grab me as I stepped off, and I remember feeling her push me back with more force than I thought she had. I remember realizing her footing was lost. I remember frantically grabbing for her to pull her back with me to safety. I remember a moment of hope when I grabbed her jacket. I remember dread as the jacket slipped right off her. Then the world around me sped back up and I flew back hitting my head on the concrete of the apartment complex roof, screaming and crying, clinging desperately to her jacket, until everything went dark and I fainted.

    I shot up in my hospital bed and yelled for a nurse. Almost immediately, some young brunette in pink scrubs was at my bedside. "What do you need?"

    "D-d-did-d I-I come in with a-a uh uhm a jacket? A-a-uh a white zip up hoodie?" I could barely control my voice, I was trying so hard not to cry like a baby.

    "Yes it's with your things"

    "I-I n-ne-e-ed it"

    "You can have it along with your other things when your psych hold is up" she was annoyed with my stutter.

    "Please I need it!" I started shaking, and crying, so she sighed and left the room to fetch it for me. I sat up, hugged my knees to my chest, and just cried, my breaths coming in and out shaky and uncontrollable, mixed with hiccups. She came back a few minutes later with Alessandra's jacket. I snatched it from her and held it as close to me as I could. It still smells like her, like flowers, fruit, and soap. I feel like I have a big gaping hole in me that just keeps getting bigger. I buried my face in it, and I just screamed and cried until the doctor came and sedated me.