Recovery-7

I clock watched until midnight, counting down the hours till I can leave.

    Been here 48 hours now.

    One day left.

    Just 24 hours.

    I can make it.

    Then what though? Go home and do exactly what I did before I met Alise? Sit in my apartment and read and doodle? I could jump again. That sounds appropriate. I know my original purpose is a little defeated now. Now I've just been given a better reason. Simply that I have no reason. I already know that when I go home I'm never going to do anything of any importance. I have no reason to. So there is no reason for me. I know she wouldn't like me talking like this but she's not here. She can't change my mind. Just because I know I'm right.

    "She left me anyways." I said aloud for the validation that it was real.

    "Like I always knew she would" clarifying. It didn't surprise me; I saw it coming from a mile away.

    Never said to her I knew she'd leave. She wouldn't have liked that. But I made sure to be prepared when it did come. I never gave her ties to hold her to me. She never had anything of me. I always made sure she never had anything of me and I of her. She only knew where I lived. I never gave her a reason to return. I always hoped she wouldn't. She always came back though.

    Maybe I'm being rash.

    She always came back.

    Until she didn't.

    Maybe she didn't mean to.

    She never seemed as bad as I understood any given individual to be.

    But she still didn't come back.

    Idiotically she threw herself off a building too.

    Now she's never coming back.

    It's all her fault.

    …

    …

    What am I saying?

    Of course it's not her fault.

    It's mine.

    I'd do anything.

    I could feel it coming. It heaved out of me and I was crying again. That hole in my stomach felt so real I could almost reach my hand through it. It actually physically hurt. Everything hurt though. Gasping and fighting to control my breathing hurt. Crying hurt. Grabbing onto my sides and squeezing as tight as I could in a desperate attempt to feel like I wouldn't literally fall to pieces hurt. I felt like chunks of me would start sloughing off. Ripping apart and dropping off. Dead in a few excruciating minutes. My mom would have a funeral for me. No one would come, no one knew insignificant Tobias James Raggsdale. I want it that way though. Actually I don't want a funeral at all. But mom would have one anyways. Everyone is going to go to Alise's. I would as well but I don't know when or where.

    I want out of this room. This hospital. I want to be left alone. Just sit at home in my misery. I deserve to be horribly injured. I shouldn't have just had a concussion. I should have a much worse punishment for murder. Hit by a semi. Mangled beyond repair on the outside, so outside would match the inside. Rather than the slightly bandaged but otherwise untouched monster I am.

    Something else hurt and I realized how tightly I was grabbing onto my sides still. I moved my hospital gown to see red marks where I just detached my hands. Those will bruise. Guess I'm not so unharmed now. It's a start at least.