Wounded Child

Don’t remind me

Of these purple and blue memories

That have been engraved on my paper white skin

The blood scabs and brown marks

That have derived from an escaped fire demon

Sinking her animalistic razors into my flesh

Releasing her pent up anger for the world that has taken all of her love and orphaned her

Releasing all of the tension into the only arms she’ll allow to know and hold the inside of her mind

Brush the seemingly strong but soft strands of red hair from her sometimes green, sometimes brown eyes

Keep my voice soft and calm

Keep holding her in my arms

As her words and blows leave marks on my physical being

But burn me emotionally into a crisp

Because I know she never wanted me

I know she has no reason to place pride above my name

And I count daily all the reasons she has to loath me

But that doesn’t stop a desperate child yearning for acceptance from climbing the mountains of their parents expectations

However when I reach the top it’s wrong because I’m “perfect”

So I climb back down to please her but then “How could you not do better?” is spat and I try again only to repeat to process

And I admit that from time to time my blood boils and overflows

Screaming back at her

“Stop accusing me of such false things that have no factual base! Stop seeing what you want to see and look at me!”

Screaming and cursing

“I’m sorry I’m not f*****g perfect which is obviously what you’re expecting of me! And I’m sorry for having a brain that is fully functional and capable of conducting individual thoughts and feelings! I’m sorry that I’ve got my own morals and beliefs and that you’re higher being might not be entitled god to me!”

And our body heat rises

As our sanity falls

Until crystal clear words sing out

That I already know

“I hate you!”

I fight with such conviction the war with my eyes

The war to not let these  tears show on the outside

Because though your despise is common fact in my mind

My heart can’t detach from the body that birthed me

It can’t distinguish when your words having meaning from that of venting out indirectly when you’re angry

But mentally I know

You are a wounded child

That hurts because she’s never been protected

Because all she knows is abandonment

And though she hopes to entrust

She can’t bring herself to break free

Of these scars that keep her in captivity

So she pushes what she wants to stay

For she is only human

And all humans give into trembling when lurking in unknown territory

So I hold the child that is just as much mine as I am hers

As she pounds her fist into my chest

Stomps on my toes

Hissing nonsense to try to prove a point that can’t be proved

And I hold, just hold

Hold and sooth

Until she breaks down

Transforming from fire into a waterfall

Finally forming slurred sentences

To tell me her actual reason for maddening

And I delve into her psychology

Piecing together the reasons she does things

Being her therapy

And she confesses her irritation because

I know her

I tell her

“You know, you’re not burdening me. You raised me to be an individual that is your equal.”

But she rebuttals for I’m a child that should skip through the façade of childhood

Yet childhood was never given to me. It left with my father and his suitcase for Britain. It was taken when my stepfather took me into that room. It was shot through as the bullets flew through my window. It was blackened like the black eyes I watched you hide

So don’t you try

To push me into the chamber of naïve and ignorant ways

For my eyes are transfixed on lifes beautiful sinister puppetry

I know too much already

I’m stable. I’m okay.

Let me be your pillar and lean on me for

“Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain. We all have sorrow. But if you are wise”

You’d let me help you

Because I you won’t let me help, I won’t talk

I’ll be that neutral pillar that you feed and cloth in your home

Not fighting

For fighting with you is like fighting with myself

Nobody wins

It’s just an endless cycle of rueful actions

And I can’t leave for I look into my scared brothers eyes and think

“It’s better you then them.”

I also know you couldn’t manage as well as you do

Because although you think otherwise

I’ve always been your right hand man

I’ve been your daughter, your sister and your mother for the past 16 years

Because your too goddamn independent for your own good

And every time we feud

You tell tales of your sorry and promise it won’t happen again

But you’re not done organizing and doing your dirty laundry

You stuff it under the carpet, expecting magic to make it vanish

But it piles and piles

Until it crumbles

And always ends up encaging the wrong person

So history will conduct itself the way it always has

However fears and worries cloud every second of my thinking

For I have to leave to get an education

So I can get a job to support you

So I can show materially that I appreciate you

That I know all you have done for me

And no longer just express it though vocal means

But I look into your watery sometimes green, sometimes brown eyes when your calm and think

“You are my wounded child…How could I possibly leave you? I…I love you”

Author's Note

:/ I don't know if I'm done with this quite yet...it feels unfinished to me...I don't know...What do you think?

Reviews

[Cole Hayley]

Its a long read but its totally worthwhile, I'm curious to see what else you do with it.

[TheBatman]

That's deep the ending is great show's a "no matter what you'll always have someone on your side" kinda flow to it