The Angel That Fell Too Far

"Tiny Transparent Bottles In Delicate Colours, Like Bits Of A Shattered Rainbow"

I was with my two angels in that place full of music. Music everywhere, laughing and smiling. It was great until one angel whispered to me "Can you keep a secret?".

I said, yes and she told me and the laughing stopped. The smiles faded and my heart stopped. All in my head of course, on the outside i was the same happy smiling uncaring and free. But it came upon me when i was unaware and alone, taking me altogether by surprise. The darkness clouded my head the demons cried out for my heart trying to claim me as theirs. Emotions came spilling through. Stumbling yet not falling i managed to get away from that place. Hiding myself in a book. That liquid of joy now turned into pain. How could it happen?! The unexpected leapt out at me tearing me apart. I got back to my safe place and stayed strong. Yet becoming like ice once again. My third angel had flown away with a mortal and shrouded herself with lies. She is gone now and marked by him forever. And so goodbye...

Reviews

[Green Regol]

You haven't said to ignore grammar/spelling, so... I'm gonna pick on that first.
--It was great until one angel whispered to me "Can you keep a secret?". I said "Yes"-- take out the period and make a new paragraph for "I said 'Yes.'

--I said "Yes" And she told me and-- put a comma after "said" and another after "Yes." The first "and" should be lowercase.

--he laughing stopped. The smiles turned and my heart stopped.-- I like to switch up my words, otherwise it just sounds repetitive. In this case I'd switch out one of your "stopped"'s with "ceased" or something.

--All in my head ovcourse-- "ovcourse" should be "of course."

Overall the imagery puts cool pictures in my head. The structure of your sentences is chilling and strong. When you get to the demons and the darkness, though, I get confused as to what's happening. If it's all very metaphysical and metaphorical and all that, I'd change this to a free-verse poem.

[raindroplove]

wowowowowowow