So far...gone

Just when I figure out myself...

Part One: So far…gone

In the morning I thought about someone I hadn’t remembered in a long time. It was in the middle of the morning when I thought about her. My thought wasn’t scary, it was more sad then anything. I was sitting in the living room with my brother. Why we were waiting for his ex-girlfriend Melanie to pop back into our lives, I didn’t really understand. I couldn’t during the time, but I was trying too.

 

Since it was only my brother and me for the longest time, Melanie was sort of a mom. She and Vincent were together for at least five years. Because I was really young when she left, I cried for her more than a few times. That bites at my conscience a lot. Still till today I want to slap myself in the face for acting like such 

a brat.

 

Now leaving my brother for college makes me feel more alone. My decision isn’t the best trade off; leaving the only family I have left probably sets me up for failure. This same person I feel most connected too, isn’t going to be right there either. Not to forget that I only know so much of what he does when he’s out late at night. He hangs at bars, smokes, drinks, and I don’t know what else.

           

He’s so much older than me. I don’t have enough experience in my seventeen years of life to talk to him. All I do is worry. I worry about him so much it makes my head hurt. For a teen to stress that much over her brother is weird. I don’t think I should be this worried about him. I just wish he hadn’t picked up the “party-bug”.  

Bars and the people in them aren’t going to do you any good. People at bars are not the type to give you a helping hand. They’re more likely to point the finger at you for something they did themselves. Well, I don’t actually know this, but they can’t be the best people here.

They can’t handle not being judged or going without judging others. That’s just a part of being human. Girls at my high school enjoy using it to their advantage, mostly to break down any minimum amount of self-esteem I have. But people who have flaws are better in the outcome, even if you're a bad person.  Having flaws makes you able to grow while believing you have none stops you from growing all together.                        

I have issues and flaws that I need to deal with or in some cases put aside. Sometimes I try to look for an escape. I try to take away all of the bad stuff, I can’t really tell if it is pain or if I’m hurting. I don’t know why I can’t tell what it is. Maybe it’s my mind tricking me? It could be that trying to block away all my worries. Truthfully the only escape I think is working is not eating or puking food up afterwards.

I am my own parent now basically since my older brother has gotten himself into a messed up life-style. Which sucks because I’m doing poorly at it, I guess this is me and this is how my life goes each day. I understand that you can laugh at things as much as you want, but it hurts to know that you’re nothing special. That your only brother is wasting his life away and you can only watch it spiral down. That your only real option is to keep digging for answers of why all of this is happening in your life and not someone else's.

 Or besides the fact that my parents passed away in a car wreck when I was four-years-old, I’m suffering from depression. And depression is all there really is to say about me. I’m not someone with all the answers; I can’t even keep up a phone conversation, let alone give out advice. All I am is a typical loner half the time; my friends never seem to stay.

From now on all that is really going to happen is death. One of us will die sooner or later, days from this month, or a short-lived year from now. Unless my brother wakes up and realizes his life is wasting away. And my struggle to live on molds into a better peace of mind. Which none of these things seem to be happening.

Author's Note

Although this story is fiction. This is as much as i could write in months.I'm trying to write something that i can relate to. something that is real. Its probably poorly edited like always, but please take a look at it. What i really want out of this piece is something genuine. I will continue to add to each part, however I might have to begin with another part before coming back to the other.

Reviews

[J.Leonard]

It's good, its more free flowing than a story. You set the stage with you and your brother waiting for Melissa, but then you don't interact with him at all or advance the plot.

I would say; either introduce some interaction between you and your brother interspersed throughout the exposition or save some of this for when it comes up in the story or remove that first paragraph that sets up that it is morning and you're with your brother.