Why am I still here?

Conveying the feelings of terror and fear experienced prior to leaving my "safe haven", and having to return to a world where I feel I do not belong.

"Why am I still here? "

Why am I still here,

living in constant fear,

Although its not happened again,

Nothing can ever be the same...

 

I dont want to live with such pain,

The exhaustion and fear is intense,

I'm in my "safe space" now...

yet today I felt "behind the fence"

 

I will have to leave soon,

this sanctuary cannot last forever,

I will have to return once again,

Back to the same torture

 

I know im not ready to leave,

my body has been telling me so,

Until now I have felt so relaxed,

But now, my body says "no"

 

It has trapped my mind

in a new state of panic

with the fear of leaving

Is this fear and panic

 

I cannot do anything with ease,

I cannot even walk down the road,

For so long this has been "normal"

Yet now my brain feels "overload"

 

Overloaded with panic from nowhere,

Just the fear of leaving I guess,

Back to the painful unknown,

Back where my life is a mess....

 

I still look at my photos

I dont know who I am,

I dont know what happened,

I dont know how I can...

 

The fear is unexpected,

I feel no longer human,

Only the kids I work with

help me to carry on....

 

The people here - they think im sick,

because of the "winter sun"

What am I supposed to tell them?

That its my brain - not the sun?

 

Maybe this is the end of me

the end of fear and pain,

I am not afraid of dying,

It is better than being insane.

 

My time is coming to an end here,

and my life most likely too;

For all that I have left is here...

Its only here....in Soweto....

Author's Note

Again written only recently, when desperate. I am not a professional writer, the poetry simply consists of thoughts from my head at the time. Thank you.