I will never be Good enough

Another of my depressing poems about Narcissistic abuse. Sorry. I intended to write it as a letter to my mother but it turned out another poem instead.

I am sorry mum

for everything,

For who I am,

For what i've done.

I am sorry mum,

For everything,

For what im not,

What I havent done.

I am sorry mum,

For staying away,

For being with friends,

For being far away.

I am sorry mum,

That I am ugly,

For what I wear,

For the state of my hair.

I am sorry mum,

That my opinions are wrong,

That I spoke without asking,

For the things that I know.

I am sorry mum,

That you think I dont care,

That I have upset the family,

That they never wanted me there.

I am sorry mum,

That you couldnt love me,

That I wasnt normal,

That other people like me.

I am sorry mum,

That I have expressed things,

That I have dropped things,

Caused a mess in your home.

I am sorry mum

That I wanted to study,

That I liked being outside,

And that I looked untidy.

I am sorry mum,

That Im an embarrassment,

Have caused so much shame,

And that I cause you pain.

I am sorry mum,

That im always a disappointment,

Showed you my photos of Africa,

I know now that I shouldnt.

I am sorry mum,

That I didnt have the right friends,

That I didnt wear enough make-up,

That I read about Science, not fame.

I am sorry mum,

For being vegetarian,

For picking out bits of meat,

In front of everyone.

I am sorry mum,

For when I didnt know what i'd done,

And you had to stand on my foot,

Or pinch me hard on my arm.

I am sorry mum,

For going walking,

For not doing house work instead,

Or finding something else to be done.

I am sorry mum,

For my work with charities,

For my love for Africa,

For feeling there so free.

I am sorry mum,

For having weird phobias,

And letting you down,

By mentioning it to others.

I am sorry mum,

That I struggle with Maths,

For being dyscalculaic,

I know this is bad.

I am sorry mum

For causing you sickness,

And for not being there,

I know it looks like I dont care.

I am sorry mum

For upsetting others,

Being the cause of all problems,

And hurting my brother.

I am sorry mum,

For my choice of work,

For the places i've been to,

For not always putting you first.

I am sorry mum,

That I made you so angry,

You had to hit me in the face,

And I made you go to bed unhappy.

I am sorry mum,

That I was quiet in school,

That Claire was my best friend,

That we were both quiet in school.

I am sorry mum,

That I chose Scotland,

For moving far away,

It cannot be forgiven.

I am sorry mum,

For my musical instruments,

I know I dont play them well,

That I gave you a headache instead.

I am sorry mum,

That I played the violin,

At my brothers wedding,

For you- ruining everything.

I am sorry mum,

That i;ve never been good enough,

That I always let you down,

I am just never good enough.

I am sorry mum,

For speaking about family,

For letting you down again,

And the family.

I am sorry mum

That I struggled so much,

You had to put chilli in my mouth,

As I couldnt do my homework.

I am sorry mum,

That I went "home"

That I let the rape happen,

That I spoiled your "name".

I am sorry mum,

That I do not love you,

I have cursed myself and tried,

But I cannot love you.

But I still hear your voice,

And it tortures me still,

And the thought of your anger,

Still gives me chills.

I am so sorry mum,

That I am a failure,

But I am no longer "Emma"...

...I am "Nomkhumbulwa"....

Author's Note

Boring depressing poetry some not quite rhyming