Silver Sun

I question my absurdity in 

Questioning you. I cannot help but

To quiver and clench in 

Iron-weighted pain.

Lukewarm water stars fall

Against butter-kissed cheeks

And  my sickness only just

Resists the urge to die.

It has been long since I last

Felt this. Do not leave me

Open to the elements. It is a 

Pallid disease, as your notions are

Entirely pure. 

With each of the same sound

I bristle. I scramble to meet my 

Reflection, and purse my lips

For you to kiss. And yet,

Meet they will never do.

I must leave you impressed.

And I will leave your mind

When broad skies are neon

And the sun is silver.

Reviews

[Brittany weddle]

i found it a bit confusing for me but all in all it was very good

[Sweet Emotions]

Some sets of two lines should really be one, it would be a smoother read because the flow would be better. I like the way you've expressed your feelings, and I like your word choices.

[Omar Fendri]

from the first line, my took my breath for awhile and first thought knocked my mind was : "this lyrics is going to be straight in my favorite list" ... the imagination, the creation, the expressions... It is perfectly written, mingled with all the creative elements that an excellent poem need... great job...
and i like the title.

[Que]

Loved the whole poem, especially the ending.
Great job :)
Cheers and have a good day.

[Labu]

Great write, love it.

[Demetri J]

Beautiful and passionate. The only piece of constructive criticism I have is that you should try to express descriptions in more fantastical, imaginative ways, and imply more use of similes/metaphors to liven the write. You did an amazing job, nonetheless

[PrincessZeldaWannabe]

Really beautiful like I am by the ocean!

[Branch Isole]

This entire piece was a joy to read from beginning to end.

[Uc Amalu Jr]

Wonderful. The writing carries a lot of information; and I love the end.

[Aarontastic]

I like this. The lines you wrote are full of mystery and beauty, and some of your word-selection was really inspired--I especially like these two lines:

"To quiver and clench in
Iron-weighted pain"

It's a unique description of pain that indicates its heaviness and its relentlessness, so it really stuck with me.

Although the poem doesn't have an intended rhyme scheme or meter, it flowed easily when I read it for the most part, until I came across some of the intentional "cliffhanger" lines like

"It has been long since I last
Felt this. Do not leave me"

Those kind of lines kind of give poems a choppy quality, but they're nice because they add suspense, like some of Browning's poems.

Artistry aside, the poem also had a lot of emotional impact, even though I can't tell exactly what it was about. The lines "It has been long since I last/ felt this, do not leave me/ open to the elements it is a/pallid disease, as your notions are/ entirely pure" are really intriguing, and I *think* it is pretty much the core of the poem. It almost sounded to me like there was some unrequited desire here, along with apprehension maybe...but that's just my guess.

Anyways, it's a very good poem =] The only thing that I had a bit of an issue with was the line "Meet they will never do.", because it just seemed a bit awkward. Besides that, everything fits together quite well, so nice job.