Lay Your Veil Down

8/11/12 This is about reminiscing of times you cherish with people you love and have loved, about the lack of time we have and how much of it our kind waste on greedy power and facades

The stars reflect a feeling of false hope

beneath my fragile, foul feet.

Where our fingers once caressed in pride my dire eyes

Are cast aside and banished to the dirt we paint with ash,

And nostalgia.

My casket would lie empty,

should one be in need,

While they protect their power out there,

Upon my own body I feed tonight.

Licking my lips in the shadow of the girl I used to be.

I'll bet you lick yours when you hold your bounty,

But here's the trick -

You both are nowhere to be seen

As you lay your veil down on a real bank that's serene!

Your coffin's not empty though,

there's something inside!

A hollow skull of sovereignty,

And your amours sweet pride that burnt with your flesh

Like the ash that we drop when we lift our brow once more to the light that we've earned.

Author's Note

An attempt to simplify my writing, understood that prior once have been compromisingly complex but I do not plan or rewrite any of my stuff just blurring it out on the spot is my way so I hope this is alright, comments would be appreciated!

Reviews

[Tarry Franck]

Where our fingers once caressed in pride my dire eyes
Licking my lips in the shadow of the girl I used to be.
As you lay your veil down on a real bank that's serene!
Like the ash that we drop when we lift our brow once more to the light that we've earned.
Loved these lines - don't give up

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you Tarry for reviewing!

[MandaBear]

Licking my lips in the shadow of the girl I used to be.
I'll bet you lick yours when you hold your bounty.

I really liked those lines. Your whole poems was very good. I enjoyed it.

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you very much Amanda. :)

[I, Rene]

I think it is wonderful, so many perfect lines like " Where our fingers once caressed in pride my dire eyes Are cast aside and banished to the dirt we paint with ash,
And nostalgia." wonderful artistry there.

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you for reviewing, so glad you enjoyed it. :)

[sheila.j]

This is beautiful and the word choice is amazing...this certainly gives off a nostalgic kind of feeling

[Ohhhwillow]

Wow, thanks for your positivity!

[Angela ☄️]

This is very pretty! I love how you word this poem in all its magnificence....I think you have a wonderful poem here Willow. :)

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you so much!

[Angela ☄️]

Your welcome doll. :3 I love reading others work!

[Stammers]

'Licking my lips in the shadow of the girl I used to be.'

'Like the ash that we drop when we lift our brow once more to the light that we've earned.'

You write some beautiful lines. I understand your stance on editing, but there may be a time when you'll have to think about whom you're writing for. Especially if you want to get published (which, since you write so well, why wouldn't you?) If for no one else, then write and never change a word, but if its to share, engage, create a reaction, entertain (and whatever other motives people may have) -then editing may have to be cordially invited to dinner every once and a while. Either poetry is a message written and then burnt. Or its one you want to put in a bottle to find a reciever. That you post online makes me think its the latter.

By editing, for this work I simply mean revision of punctuation -

E.g, 'Where our fingers once caressed in pride my dire eyes' unless I've read this wrong, 'Where our fingers once caressed in pride, my dire eyes/' may read with more sense.

And in turn 'we paint with ash, And nostalgia' doesn't really need the comma, for me, as your line break creates the slash in the beat and the isolated significance needed.

Of course, I'm not an expert. I'm not even qualified to give an opinion. So, please, roll your eyes and ignore. I usually do.

I think you're very talented as is, but what makes you more formidable, is that you're so young. Your talent can only go upwards.

[Ohhhwillow]

One of the most constructive reviews I've received, thanks so much, really taken on board what you have to say! :)

[J. Write]

"Upon my own body I feed tonight." That's a great line. There is a nonchalant feel to to this poem that I like. Well done.

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you! :)

[Sami Khalil]

Your coffin's not empty though,
there's something inside,
A hollow skull of sovereinghty.
A nice write.

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you for reviewing

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome.

[Jo March]

I really like this poem 'Licking my lips in the shadow of the girl I used to be.' beautiful iimagery, lovely line

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you so much!

[Talal Hussain]

Nice job :-)

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you!