Sunsets

A bittersweet tale of love and sorrow.

It had always been her dream to touch the sunset of a warm summer day.

I watched as she longingly gazed past me and to the things beyond,
To things that she would never be able to see.
Past the horizon and, perhaps, even past the world.
It had always been that way.

The way her crystal blue eyes sparkled perfectly under the hospital's lights
As she shared all of her hopes and dreams
Always managed to bring a smile to my face.

I remember closing my eyes as she would whisper, long into the night, of all the things she so eagerly wished to do.

It had always been that way.

"What does a sunset look like to you?"

She asked me this on many evenings out of childish curiosity.
I would turn, looking deep into her eyes.
I could never find an answer.

It had always been that way.

The smile that I had come to love as the months slipped by
Began to ever-so-slowly lose its radiance.

That must be why, when I least expected it,
A lone tear made its way down her soft cheek.
She liked to pretend that it never happened.

It had always been that way.

Slowly, steadily, her dreadfully frail body,
As if marked for death,
Finally lost the warmth it had once held.

And yet, I still came.

One evening, the sunset just as beautiful as always, I watched in stunned silence
As the young doctors swarmed her small figure.
In what I could only consider a frenzy,
She finally lost the battle.

As the room cleared, I couldn't help but stare,
At the girl whom I had once claimed to love.
"It all happened too fast," I said, to no one in particular.

It wasn't until many minutes later that I glanced outside the window
And to the sunset that I had seen each day for the past year.
The sun, lying just directly over the horizon,
Glazed the empty hospital room
In an array of deep oranges and bright yellows.

I smiled a soft smile.

It had always been that way.

Author's Note

This is my first completed poem at full-length. Let me know what you think! I'm still working on improving my writing, so any constructive criticism would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Reviews

[William Liston]

This is the greatest "first poem" that I have ever read, and I truly mean that. This is one of the greatest poems that I've read on this site. It truly brought me to tears. I can't explain how hauntingly beautiful this is. Based on this poem, you have a special talent for organizing ideas in your work; you do it in a way that gradually progresses the reader's emotion until the ultimate climatic effect at the end. You also have a special talent for vocabulary, repetition, and imagery that takes months (or even years) for many writers to develop. The only thing I didn't like about this was the visual presentation; I'd suggest using a size 12 Georgia font instead, but overall, this was great. I came here with the intention of giving my advice on your works, but I certainly can't do that with this poem. Great work, hopefully I'll be able to critique the next poem I read by you.

-William Liston

[Oliver Free]

Thank you so much for the review, it really means a lot to me. Many of my poems before this came to dead ends, or were never fully developed. This was, and still is, the poem that gave me the motivation to continue my writing. To see that it was able to evoke such emotion from someone truly makes me very happy.

(And about the font style, I'll definitely change that. I'm rather new to this site so I'm still tinkering with the settings.)

[zunie frost]

wow .. thoughtful and creative piece of work i must say ..
your words have softness in it ...
i love every bit of it

[Oliver Free]

Thanks for the review!

[LaCherish T.]

This was a really beautiful piece! I love the repetition and the use of the sunset in this piece, like I could almost feel the warmth of the sunset, no lie. But one thing that I do want to mention is that I was confused at one point because for a second I thought the boy was dying and then at the end it was actually the girl. This may be just me because looking at the other reviews no one else had this problem I don't think, I'm not really great at reading poems and understanding them. So maybe just be mindful of silly people like me who struggle understanding poems but again you don't have to change because like I said most people didn't have this problem. For a first poem this is really amazing! I will say that your style of poetry is more understandable to me than others because its more like a story, ya know? Anyways great job! I look forward to reading more!!!

[Oliver Free]

Thank you for the review! I'll see if there's anything I can do to make it more clear! This is an older poem of mine (since it was my first), so I've improved a little bit since then. I'm glad you like my style!

[M. L. F.]

One evening, the sunset just as beautiful as always, I watched in stunned silence
As the young doctors swarmed her small figure.
In what I could only consider a frenzy,
She finally lost the battle.

As the room cleared, I couldn't help but stare,
At the girl whom I had once claimed to love.
"It all happened too fast," I said, to no one in particular.

It wasn't until many minutes later that I glanced outside the window
And to the sunset that I had seen each day for the past year.
The sun, lying just directly over the horizon,
Glazed the empty hospital room
In an array of deep oranges and bright yellows.

I smiled a soft smile.

It had always been that way.


Great emotion, great sense of symbolism, message was clear, and even some nice assonance and alliteration mixed in. Do you write fiction also? Stories? Not to be bossy, but if not, you should... It seems to me you are adept at it. Thank you for sharing this work and this glimpse inside..
..Misty

[Oliver Free]

I do write fiction! I haven't in a while, nor have I posted any on this site (yet,) but I do plan on working on some short stories in the future.

[M. L. F.]

Nice, do share. I would love to check them out...

[Oliver Free]

I've got a few in the works, so I'll likely post a few in the next few days.

[M. L. F.]

Great. I look forward. I am trying to finish editing the first three chapters of a work myself... eventually I will post them... ha. Send me a RR when you have yours up, ok?

[Oliver Free]

Sure thing! I'll take a look at your work as well.

[M. L. F.]

Mostyly my poetic side has been emerging on WC, but to be honest, that is more of a cathartic happening. My real love, my real dream lies in fiction. Most of my fiction is in chapters now, that I will soon submit. I have one short story on here, it is not the best, but maybe you will enjoy.. :) Be sure to send me that RR. I look forward to reading your fiction... ;)

[Oliver Free]

I'm actually really glad I looked into this website, it's definitely boosted my creative morale. Now that I'm working more on my poetry I'll have more time for writing fiction, which has also been something I've always enjoyed. I'll be sure to check out your stuff!

[M. L. F.]

Same here.. Thanks. Writing is the best, and when it is flowing right, it's like magic.

[Inject Positivity]

Priceless...

The concept and innocent nature of this write literally made my heart mourn... The vivid imageries and the concept of this write made me feel amazed... Your word choices and the construction of the poem is very interesting and suitable to the reader...

I also loved the pace and free flowing nature of this write... I do believe this is a milestone for you as a writer, the story you told through this poem is totally am amazing one, taking the sunset as her companion... Well done...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[Oliver Free]

Thank you so much! Believe it or not, before I joined this site I was actually considering stopping my writing because I had been experiencing a multi-month episode of writer's block. But this website has truly given me inspiration! Your review means a lot to me.

[Inject Positivity]

Don't be harsh on yourself, we writers are human too, even the great William Shakespeare had writers block... Keep believing my frnd... Don't give up writing, you will only get better day by day...

[Oliver Free]

I don't plan to! All of the amazing support I've gotten since I joined here has given me back my motivation to write.

[barleygirl]

The length of this poem is perfect for sharing this story & the pacing is excellent. I like the way you portray a profoundly sad story without going into graphic suffering, but instead using hints all along the way that gently show us what's going on, very clearly, very honestly, but not in a pity party way. It's quite astounding to read such a poignant, vivid, expressive write from a person your age. This shows maturity way beyond your years.

This line sounds fine: "It had always been that way" and the repetition of it is well done. However, on a number of other verbs, I feel the word "had" is not needed -- it states things in passive voice -- and writing is always more vibrant when you use active verbs . . . examples:
"It had always been her dream" --> It was always her dream
"She had asked me this on many evenings" --> She asked me this on many evenings
"The smile that I had come to love" --> The smile I came to love
"when I had least expected it" --> when I least expected it

[Oliver Free]

Thanks for the advice! I'll see to editing that in a bit.

[samarahmed]

This was highly creative. I loved all those feelings and that dreamy attitude that made me imagine it all. great poem!

[Oliver Free]

Thank you for the review!

[richieb]

Your poem covered our greatest fear and tragedy, the loss of a loved one. You spoke softly of the simple wants of the young girl and your understanding of her situation. Though the story is sad, it also reveals a mellow tone that allows the reader to grieve nobly. I think you achieved your motive well as I enjoyed your poem. For a young writer you have a keen insight into heartache and loss.
Richie b

[Oliver Free]

I really appreciate your review, this poem is by far my biggest success. Glad you enjoyed it!

[L.D.]

Stunning. An extremely elegant and captivating piece of work from start to finish. I felt chills run down my spine, getting stronger with each line I read. Beautiful imagery accompanied by diction that wrapped both hands around my eyes refusing to let go. Bravo!

[Oliver Free]

Thank you! I'm very proud of this particular piece.

[Zaliodir]

You really just floored me with this poem. It is so full of emotion, its bursting at its literary seams. I so wish I could know the story behind this brave girl, and the person who loved her. It is really hopeful in the beginning, transitioning to sadness, but in the end I get a feel of joy at being finally free. The last three stanzas are what cement the whole poem, and they gave me tingles. "It wasn't until many minutes later that I glanced outside the window
And to the sunset that I had seen each day for the past year.
The sun, lying just directly over the horizon,
Glazed the empty hospital room
In an array of deep oranges and bright yellows.

I smiled a soft smile.

It had always been that way."
Really well done! Thank you so much for letting us all read that amazing write. =)

[Oliver Free]

It's my pleasure! I'm very glad that you enjoyed my work. Thanks for reading!

[Raven]

talented,good first poem.keep writing