#11- Up, Rising.

Hesitation, fun, and uncertainty.

I look at the faces

Of women

I might meet.

Scrolling through 

The odd catalog

Of near and present hearts.

That was once my profile

On a forgotten dating site.

A familiar ding.  

Attention shifts quickly.

Window closes.

"When's it start?"

The big update, today,

To our favorite game--

The one we were playing

When we met--

Only twelve minutes away!

"Wait.  You're not ranked

This season yet?"

She asks.  Confusion.  

Regret?

"No.  No, you see...

I haven't really

Played 'Ranked'

Since..."

A knowing pause.

Air grows thicker.

"You and me" 

Haven't played much, Miss.

Not together, at all

At least.

For many reasons.

And not since 

"You and He."  

And the former ceased to be.

But today, that doesn't matter.

We both missed it, 

Terribly.

Made plans to play together.

Schedules cleared.

Excited.  Eager.  

Just happy to do something 

We both love

Together.

Friendly.  No arguing.  No drama.

Just us. 

Laughing and smiling with each other.

Two PM.  

Gates open,

Engines blazing

Out of the gate.

Euphoria.  

Just to be doing this.

With you.

Just me

And her.

But,

"Unexpected Server 

Error Occurred."

A pot hole. Speed bump.

Then another one.

Again, another.

Another, still.

A heavy slap 

To the face.

Reality

Sets in.

"Do you think you'll have time 

To try again tonight?"

Defeat.  Dejection.

"Oh, definitely.

Well, probably.

I'm going to try."

And I let you go, 

For the afternoon.

You tell me to just play 

Without you--

And I,

Mad and frustrated.

Thinking the worst.

Losing interest in playing.

Agree, halfheartedly.

Again.

She's not coming back, is she?

---

A familiar ding.  

Attention shifts quickly.

Window opens.

Hours later.  

Disbelief.

"Yo, you ready?"

And suddenly,

Things are back 

To the way they were.

At least ninety percent there.

Perhaps more.

Who can tell?

Even if, maybe, 

My humor a little less risqué.

Even if, maybe,

A few fewer giggles today.

But I could have very well  

Been mistaken, tonight, Miss.

In thinking nothing wrong 

Had ever happened between us.

How surreal it was, 

To hear your laugh again.

You always sound 

So tired and stressed 

These days.

Miserable.  Depressed.

Worried.

And thoughts and feelings, 

Compressed.

I can't say I've been much better.

Hours fly.  Both of us, 

Somewhat nonplussed.

How much fun we're having.

How smooth things are going.

And I, happier than I've been 

In a good while,

Imagine you feel 

Something similar.

Oh! To have silly conversations 

And joke about whatever,

Once more!

For something wonderful

Up, from the grave

Rises today:

Out of the blue,

"My friends have been telling me 

That I should be a voice actress, lately,"

You say.

I laugh. I smile.

A grin, roguish and playful.

When many months ago, 

You told me you thought

Your voice disgusting.

Distasteful.

"Because it is!"

Not true, at all, Miss.

Please,

If you would recall, 

If you can,

It's sort of how 

This whole thing began.

That one afternoon,

I sent a friend request 

To the girl 

With the cute voice in comms--

I'm such a shitter!

And when I told you why

One night, 

Months later,

You scowled--

And I snickered.

Even now, reminiscing,

I smile.

How very different

From thinking

All we do now is bicker!

But worry returns.

Your mother calls.

Once, twice.  On and on.

I hear snippets 

Of something,

Mood suddenly grey.

But I stay quiet.

Not my business, 

Not anymore, anyway.

But moreover--

Tonight, it's quite clear.

Something I've noticed.

Have you 

Seen it, too?

You speak quite differently to me,

Miss,

When He's not around you.

The language, the tone.

It's easy to tell.

When He's in the room.

Or somewhere near.

Or His presence, still fresh.

Hesitation--the kiss of death.

More defensive, you are.

More worry.  More fear.

Or tension, in your words.

Picked and spoken carefully.

So, too--my name, as well.

A very special,

Private,

Shade of Hell.

I don't think 

We've ever talked, Miss,

About how creepy it feels--

Perhaps having lost 

Some karmic game--

That He and I 

Should have 

The same first name.

And that pretty much from the start--

Even before things fell apart--

You used our 

Mutual name to talk 

To me about Him.

But it's plain to see,

In conversations I enter--

Words in text or in vapor--

Between you two

Or just us, three.

Now, forever, 

I'm only "Paper."

Thinking further, 

I suspect, 

A curious detail,

I might have found,

That we seem only to argue 

When He's recently been 'round. 

But the thought, passes quickly.

As does the night.

The fervor.

Because at the moment

Your voice is 

"...As lovely as ever."

And so the night ends,

With "Good night, 'NAME'" 

And a giggle.

And a smiley face. 

From you--

Which I thought you said,

The other night,

Was now illegal.

After talks

Of doing this again,

I log out for the evening.

Confused and wondering.

Why I'm thinking

And feeling
The things that I do.

In the moment.

As I re-open

The odd catalog.

Faces of whoever.

Inside.

Outside.

Inside.

Again.

Author's Note

Long piece. Lot to say. Lot on my mind at the moment.

Reviews

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long but this one keep my atention. Walk over words emotions hopes and lost. Some like story in diary . Have nice flowing nice form.