Dancing In The Darkness. Intro

A doctor investigates the mysterious death of one of his patients.

Part One. 

 

She was dancing in the darkness.

The soft echo of her feet swayed me in the dark. I was lying alone, in bed, as her trance-like foot-fall drifted from one end of the room to the other, mingling with the low hum of her voice:

"kamaye yena balisa..."

I stood up in my bed, and lit the lamp, the faint light piercing barley the darkness that encompassed so completely the room; she continued to dance.

“Cecile”, I said

She stopped abruptly, as I called her name, and walked toward the windowsill, glancing at me as she passed.

“I’m sorry” she said  “I woke you”

I was already awake; I had been awake for hours, drifting restlessly, in and out of sleep, from imagination to dream, dream to imagination, her presence was welcome.

 “Cecile” I said,

“Will you sit with me?” she replied.

I got up and stood next to her, the passing clouds now played moonlight on her face, as the palu of her ruffled white sari fluttered in the warm night breeze. She stared at the moon as if it was speaking to her, as if the man in the moon was whispering to her his secrets. Dark secrets that he didn’t want to hear. She closed her eyes.

 “Every night I wake to the sound of screaming” she whispered.

“I don’t know who it is, why they’re screaming, why I’m hearing it”

Her voice began to tremble from fear, and I could see she began to shiver, as if from a non-existent cold. A change came over her that I had not seen. Her features, pure, somber, subdued by years of mourning, took on an unearthly shadowing in the pale moonlight. I turned to see her face, and she spoke to me:

“It sounds so awful, like a pig being led to slaughter”

I remained silent throughout, and she composed herself suddenly, as a cloud came over the moon, covering it. She continued.

“I remember sitting here, with him, when we first met” she said

“Just sit”

I sat down. It was a strange night, dreamy, warm, and restless. Breeze continued to blow in the room, scattering her ebony hair about her, as if suspended by pixies. The moon appeared again, as the cloud passed, moonlight returned.

I tried to put my arm around her, but she retreated.

“No” she said

Cecil got up, looking at me now as intently as if I was her beloved, smiling, her face relaxed, a faint tear ran down her smooth cheek and she turned, her arms extended slightly toward me, and her, confident and trusting, guileless and profound, seemed to have undergone a vision.

I felt tears run lightly down my cheeks, involuntary, and uncontrollable.

“What did he say before he died?”

The moon slipped behind a cloud, as the room grew darker, much darker, more so than I could bear, it seemed as if the heavens might fall upon us, that his words were echoing all around us, how couldn’t she hear them?

“He said…”

I remembered nothing, no vows of sanctity, no final affirmation of love, only a light breathing, a heaving bosom, and another woman name . I tried to tell her the truth, but behind her silent weeping, her dying hope and the suspended misery, I paused. It was too dark, too dark altogether.

“Cecil”

Her faint form descended onto the table in beside of us, weeping profusely, and yet dignity remained.

“He will return to me” She said. Her words suspended in the air, a deep silence followed, which I could not bear, and I spoke:

“His memory will remain”

I don’t know if she heard. She was staring at the moon, smiling at it, entranced by it, it seemed if my words had left her already. What was so fantastic about it? So fantastic as to hold her gaze so intently? I was unsure, and got up to leave the room.

“I tried to bring him back” she said abruptly ,as I began to turn. Her words came as if out of nothingness, as if their utterance was a confession, rather than a statement.

“They told me, that it was him, promised me if I did what they asked; they would return him to me”

 She looked at me, her face now contorted in terror and her eyes filmed over in tragic reckoning.

“I don’t know what they’ve done to me” She broke off suddenly, and stood up.

“I don’t who I am”

“I’m sorry”

Cecil walked out the window, and jumped thirteen stories onto the ground below.

 

Author's Note

This story is still in the preliminary stage. If you would let me know how this writing makes you feel, if its seems natural, if it sounds forced at any points. Any critique is so appreciated (especially negative, you learn more that way (: Thank you for reading!!!

Reviews

[Lavorther]

I really enjoyed this story! I was really pulled into it, and i had reached the end before i knew it. The ending was quite a surprise. I did have some trouble following who said what, so you might want to add some more labels like "she said". You also had several sentences that were quite long, with a lot of commas. You might want to separate them in to smaller ones.

I didn't understand this part completely:
"I remembered nothing, no vows of sanctity ..."
Was that what the man said? Or is it narration about what the protagonist (the I in the story) feels/thinks? I found it a bit confusing, but that might be because i'm no native English speaker.

Some other things i noticed:

"... the faint light piercing barley the darkness that encompassed so completely the room ..."
this sentence sounds a bit awkward. You should shift the words around a bit to make it flow better, for example:
"... the faint light barley piercing the darkness that completely encompassed the room ..."

"Dark secrets that he didn’t want to hear."
I think you mean Cecil here, so the "he" should be "she". If you meant the protagonist, change the "he" to "I".

"... and another woman name."
Change "woman" to "woman's".

I also feel like the description doesn't fit with the story, because i didn't read anything about a doctor investigating.

It was quite an entertaining story, and i am curious about the next part.

[Dhanadeepa Dixit]

Hye Lavorter! Thanks so much again for your detailed review! I've sort of begun to count on them for being so helpful, lol. But thus far, there are no plans to continue this story, it was a fragment I wrote a time ago. If I do decide eventually decide to continue, I'll be taking all your suggestions into the finished product. And again, thank you so very much!

[Lavorther]

I always feel kinda bad when i post a lot of suggestions, but i am glad people find them helpful. Whoops, my bad. The "intro" in the title had me thinking there would be more.

[Dhanadeepa Dixit]

lol, yea, it would seem rude and all to leave tons of things you say could be improved. But really what I hate is when people leave a review like "wow, its amazing, everything is so good. Nothing wrong!" and I'm like really? Thanks alot for your help. Never feel bad for your reviews Lavorter! (;