The Whole of her

She looked into the mirror and saw nothing,

the reflection which once stayed pure,

gone in an instant like a drying flame.

But where did she go?

The girl whom saw the world,

and dreamt of the impossible?

There she was, sobbing in utter sorrow,

Like a vanishing cloud she fell,

deep into the oceans of the unknown.

She stared at the stars and slept,

until the morning rose and she was found.

Oh, how they wept and screamed.

Her damaged body had been found.

Crippled and broken, her image remained,

but she was gone, all of her,

Memories of her two souls stayed,

And now, she was happy, the whole of her. 

Author's Note

Please comment and tell me what you think of this poem. I really appreciate the reviews! Have a lovely day.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

You were kind enough to comment on my work so I'm returning the favour. I find it really interesting when readers infer different things. Unlike Mitch, for me the girl has committed suicide. Her "happiness" is the loss of all the angst she had been feeling.

You asked for feedback so I'll offer a few comments

V1: I think the first two lines set it up very nicely. Without even saying it, you know this person has been good and kind and happy but things have obviously changed recently. I'm not sure about the 'gone in an instant' - that sounds very sudden for something like depression.

V2: [Should be who not whom - this is very tricky for most Brits, let alone folk for whom English is not their native language. As a general rule you can use 'who' almost any time. If there is a place for whom it's generally as a sort of possessive or directed - for whom the bell tolls, etc]

V3: Nice alliteration on L1. L2 and L4 are both a bit clunky and you have a rhyme with L2/L4 both using 'found'. You should change one of them; and I would take the opportunity to shorten and simply both L2 and L4. L3 is really interesting because the slept / wept rhyme is far more subtle - probably my favourite part of the whole poem

V4: You have another same word used twice rhyme, this time with 'her'. Personally I didn't get the two souls reference. What 2nd soul are we told about? There's her happy innocent one. If the 2nd is the depressed person she became AND memories of BOTH souls remain, I ask myself how could she be happy? But this could easily be me missing something or misinterpreting it. I can be a bit pedantic and too literal sometimes!

Hope this helps.

Regards
Nigel

[PandaPeaceful]

That it is truly amazing! I will immediately begin fixing this poem! Thank you very much for your review- it means a lot. have a lovely day. :)

[Nigel Newman]

Couple of points
- remember this is just my view, so please don't regard this as some universal truth
- 'fix' is not the right way to see this. It's always interesting to see how others read your work, but ultimately the poem is for your pleasure. Yes you want it to have impact etc but this isn't like some faulty mechanical part that should be 'fixed'. These are my views about how to make the poem - in my mind - even better. Remember that folk don't normally do detailed reviews unless the poem deserves it.
Cheers N

[PandaPeaceful]

I fully support your opinion. But, I do realize that this poem was not one of the best I have written, which is why I look forward to improving it. I publish my work for a reason, and that is to gain feedback. So, the words that you posted were incredibly helpful. As soon as I re-read my poem, I became aware of the mistakes I made.
Enjoy your afternoon! :)

[Mitch]

I can't help but feel sad for the girl here. Even though the end says she's happy, I still feel like she's struggling with being broken. Maybe it's just me. You did a great job of telling a story here in just a few lines. Great read.

[PandaPeaceful]

Thank you! That's a great observation and you are completely right. She's a broken girl who, might never completely heal.