Scars

One day in May after mass he approached me...

and I was so excited..

Because all I had ever wanted was a man of God. 

After all, a man of God would be someone kind. 

Compassionate. 

Someone with good morals. 

Who wouldn't cheat. 

I got to know him...and was swept off my feet. 

Even though he was not kind. 

Not compassionate. 

He had questionable morals..

And he did eventually cheat. 

I stayed too long because I was scared...

He also had a drinking issue. 

One day he took me on his motorcycle. 

We went to a bar. 

He was annoyed I didn't want to drink...

So he kept drinking..

And became intoxicated. 

It was raining that day. 

And then I realized we still had to go home...

We went back outside and he told me to get on that motorcycle..

If I didnt I'd have to walk back. 

"I do this all the time!" He cried.. 

I became paralyzed. I didnt have my phone. 

Or a friend. 

A man stood by watching. 

We met eyes...and he told me to be careful. 

But I got on anyways.. 

We got home safetly.. 

But a part of me died inside. 

I couldnt tell my parents. They'd be so ashamed. 

Same with my friends..

My parents already had to plan my funeral once. 

When I was born, I was 1 pound 6 ounces...and expected to die. 

If I didn't die the doctors said I would never walk or talk. 

I had an entire church of people praying for me.. 

and 26 years later I still have them coming up to me telling me about it.. 

These people..

They did not pray for me to be the kind of woman to put the life she is so lucky to have in jeopardy. 

On the line. 

I am deeply ashamed. 

I couldve died that day. He couldve died. Someone else couldve died or been injured. 

I have found forgiving others is easy...but forgiving yourself? 

That's an entirely different ballgame. 

It took time but I learned he never really did care about me. 

He strung me along the entire time. 

He left for the army. 

Later I found him in my church that he said he left..with a brand new woman. 

So I left my church to heal. 

and there I found a new Parish. 

A new priest. 

A light. 

A love. 

and now? 

I am finally free. Whole. 

Forgiven. 

Scars and all. 

Author's Note