Decent to madness

The children had stayed with their mother at their grandparent’s home in Leicester for the few days he was in hospital.  On discharge he had collected a few clothes and toiletries from home then gone in a semi stupor to Luton airport to catch an Easy Jet flight to Glasgow and from there he had gone by train to his brother’s house in East Kilbride.  His mind was numb.  He had a constant and heightened anxiety that something was about to happen which felt like a knot in his stomach. He could not think beyond the immediate few minutes but he was grateful for the care he was shown and the welcome he got from his brother and his family. Unfortunately the household was a noisy one as his brother, sister in law and the younger of the two female children were loud and animated much of the time. The TV was on constantly and he could not find the peace he needed.  He also felt great anxiety at being away from his home.  Somehow he felt if he returned home the nightmare would end and Alice would come back realising it was all a terrible mistake.  He was afraid his absence would prevent any reconciliation. He struggled for a couple of days made his excuses and returned to England.

 

When he arrived home the house was in darkness.  He fell gratefully into the sanctuary of quiet that received him and dared not disturb it by turning on a light.  He went up to the spare room and picked up the telephone to check for messages. There were none. He had been home all of half an hour and was sitting on the floor in the dark in the spare room when he heard the turn of a key in the front door and the sound of voices.  His heart leapt in anticipation. He rushed to the top of the stairway in time to see the children’s nanny and her mother enter the house.  They appeared embarrassed to see him.  They told him they had been asked by Alice to collect some items for her which the nanny would take up to Leicester next day when she went to look after the children.  McPherson was very angry that they were seemingly roped into taking sides.  In reality this probably was not the case but he felt betrayed and annoyed.  He gathered the items on the list and gave them to the nanny taking back the spare key before she and her mother departed somewhat apologetically.  He felt very low in the empty silence that descended following their departure.  It was now fully dark and he still resisted putting the lights on.  His mind was in turmoil.  One moment he was optimistically hoping that Alice, the kids and he would be reunited.  He could not see her leaving the children.  The next he just knew from her actions it was not going to happen and that she would leave him and her children.  He felt so helpless.

 

He moped about the house over the weekend struggling with the feeling of being unsafe.  He kept thinking that he could not trust himself; he hated himself and could not see any future worth fighting for.  He missed the children so much that he felt the mental torment each waking hour. There were however glimmers of hope amongst his mire of doom when he felt he would survive but they were fleeting.  His overall feeling was of being unsafe.

 

He got up the next morning and once again spent the whole day isolated and alone.  He struggled less with each passing hour.  After a week he returned to work.  Kathy Phillips saw him with Carole McPhail.  They were very gentle, understanding and sympathetic but he could tell they were checking him out in terms of the risk he posed to himself and in embarrassment terms to his employer.  They agreed he could come back to work but insisted on a graduated return three days a week with restricted hours.

 

Within a fortnight Kathy had begun to disgorge her desk of tasks that had been building up.  McPherson felt a mixture of relief that the additional work was taking his mind off of matters but anger that Phillips seemed so soon to have forgotten the suffering he was going through.  The reorganisation was going ahead at a pace and recruitment had already begun to find a replacement for Phillips who was due to leave within the fortnight. Everything felt out of his control.

 

Soon after his return to work, Alice had allowed McPherson to visit the children at her parent’s home in Leicester prior to returning them into his custody. He had asked her about her intentions as far as the children were concerned.  She made some comment about him being the better parent and restated that the children would not be living with her and her new partner.

 

Michaela the nanny continued with the children, which was reassuring, as they needed some continuity.  During the first few months there were many emotional moments especially between McPherson and Jane who seemed to be coping with her parent’s marriage break-up better than McPherson himself.  Before Jane’s bedtime they would spend time together, Jane often having to comfort her father in his grief.  About eight weeks after the return of the children McPherson arrived home from work one evening.  Michaela was upstairs with the children.  She had been mildly flirting with him with light-hearted banter since the children arrived back in their home.  She teased him and poked fun at him in a friendly but provocative fashion.  She was in her early twenties with long light brown hair.  She was not beautiful but had lovely green eyes and looked good in the jeans and blouse she was wearing.

 

McPherson had little time to think of a relationship, sex was only infrequently in his mind these days and he was resolved to steer clear of women for the time being.  His libido was almost non-existent.  Michaela was helping Jane use the computer in the small spare room.  Jason was amusing himself in his room with the door open so he could be heard.  After Michaela had briefed him on the children’s day she made some comment to him in a cheeky flirt.  She then turned to lean over Jane’s shoulder as if to check what she was doing.  In the narrow space between the desk and the cabin bed and so he could pass and see what Jane was doing on the computer, McPherson had to ease himself behind Michaela.  As he did so and made slight contact against her she pushed her bottom out to further restrict his space as if to stop him passing.  He felt her bottom, tight in dark blue jeans press into his crotch. He could feel the outline of her cheeks and as she pushed harder he thrust his expanding crotch more firmly into the denim encased buttocks, feeling his now erect penis press hard into the crevice.  He lightly placed his hands on her hips as if trying to pass by but kept himself in contact with her for some seconds, feeling no resistance.   He was a little unsure what the meaning of this was but he was very aroused by it.  He began to move off, as he was concerned that he may have been interpreting the situation incorrectly.  Michaela was only twenty-two and engaged to be married.  As he began to disengage Michaela was backing against him more and turning silently she pushed him gently against the cabin bunk in a playful “you shall not pass”.  Instinctively he grasped both wrists and pushed her hands outwards.  With this and her own forward movement towards him with a cheeky smile she kept coming until her breasts were firmly pushed against his chest and he had placed both arms behind her back to hold her secure.  He felt his stiffened penis straining against his trousers as it pressed firmly into her crotch; he could feel the softness of the cheesecloth and could smell the cleanliness of her hair as her head was buried into his shoulder. Jane was oblivious and kept on using the drawing tools on the computer to make a picture. McPherson had the urge to have her there and then; he wanted to unbuckle her jeans and plunge his hands down into her knickers; he wanted to pull up her shirt and fondle her firm breasts. He could imagine in his minds eye stripping off her panties and entering the young firm, ripe and seemingly eager woman.   His sexual reawakening had been like an explosion.  He was unprepared for it but could not resist the sexual nature of this encounter.  He pulled her closer and she squirmed turning and freeing her arms so that he now held her from behind with her arms folded across her chest.  She pressed her head back onto his shoulder and he moved his mouth closer to her face and released her hands as he cupped her breasts.  She was pushing her buttocks firmly into him again, squirming as he caressed her bosom.  Suddenly she pulled away and whispered in a husky scold “I’m engaged” as she moved towards Jane to help her print off her work.

 

McPherson was left feeling cut adrift, deflated and embarrassed.  He could not in his mind work out why she had teased him in this way knowing his circumstances and that he had probably not had sex for months.  The situation never came about again as he was thereafter very cautious with her, keeping the banter purely verbal for fear of being made to look stupid. The incident had however awakened his sexual desire.

 

In the middle of June he found himself somewhat unwittingly crashing upon the shores of a new relationship.  He had felt very alone since returning from Scotland but was still worried, unsure and suspicious of the idea of a relationship. He found himself attracted to a member of the secretarial staff who had started work at the authority.  She sounded like a perfect fit to him.  The values he drew from the things she said in conversation in the office convinced him that they would be a good match. But he only fantasised about it as he did not really believe it would happen.  After all he was a single parent now with two young children.  Who would take on such a challenge? Besides his confidence and his belief in his ability to make a success of a relationship was very low. Holly was her name; she was eleven years younger than he and had only worked at the Authority for three months or so. He had seen her in the secretaries’ office and often overheard snippets of conversation. He began to take more notice of her.  She was pretty, slim and obviously prided herself on her appearance. She showed him at least in his mind some little attention; giving him the seeds of hope.  He had found her very attractive, but he saw no prospect of them ever getting together because of the demands on his time, until McPherson’s own secretary mentioned to her that she thought he quite fancied her. She came to his office one Friday afternoon to warn him of the gossip, still believing him to be married. He dropped a bombshell on her when he told her he was not married and was in fact a single parent. He suddenly felt bold and suggested one way of dealing with the rumours was for her to go out with him. Without hesitation she said yes. It was on a Friday, when the kids happened to be going to Alice so they met up at Holly’s place that evening. Things moved fast. He saw her during the week for lunch and she came to his place on the fortnights that the kids were away. He felt himself falling for her, even though he had determined not to let himself get seriously involved with anyone for some time. He felt so relaxed with her. She was also a very sexy woman. Even sexier than Janet the stunningly attractive student nurse from the Middlesex Hospital with whom he’d had a fantastic and frenetic relationship in 1981, while she was on placement at the hospital at which he worked in Surrey.

 

The relationship with Holly lasted until August, when on her return from holiday in the Canaries she began to blow hot and cold. She seemed so pleased to see him on her return but the next day phoned to say it was over. She changed her mind and came down to Brixworth as arranged on the next Saturday. They seemed to have a good time. She left a toothbrush and told her parents the next day all about him. By the Tuesday she phoned and it was all over again but more permanently this time.

 

The Tuesday was the 18^th August. It would have been his fourteenth wedding anniversary. In the morning he had felt slightly recovered from an infection he had developed which left his mouth badly ulcerated. He had taken a week off as the children had gone on holiday with Alice and her new man. He had decided to get on with decorating his dinning room. He tried to be cheerful and filled his mind with thoughts about Holly to blank out the significance of the day. It worked and he felt very little sadness about his now dead marriage. He had also received a letter from his solicitor about the divorce proceedings that day. When Holly telephoned to end their relationship, he was devastated. He tried to accept it as inevitable and for the best but he had fallen so much in love with her. Holly had psychological problems and had undergone a broken marriage and recently the ending of a three year long relationship. At ten o’clock that evening his first wife rang to pester him for information about his son. He suddenly felt very angry and bitter about life. Everything seemed to be conspiring against him. By the next morning he was in a black mood. He determined to get on with his decorating and almost panicked when he began to apply the ‘Crown-Cool Jade’ emulsion he had chosen. It was not his usual conservative choice but he had seen the use of jade on the DIY television programme ‘Homefront’, another of those programmes he and Jane rarely missed together. He was close to ending it all there and then. The thought of killing himself, on the back burner these last few months, had suddenly been re-ignited. He struggled with himself all day but plodded on with the painting determined not to leave the place in such a state for others to tidy up. He almost telephoned an acquaintance who owned a shop in the village specialising in interior design, for help and advice about the decor. He almost telephoned Maureen Auld in his desperation about life. In the end he began to take to the paint-work as it dried out and he began to think that perhaps there was still some hope of salvaging the relationship with Holly. If not, he began to try to think positively about it ending. The thought of suicide had retreated again. He knew though that any major shock to the system, especially in terms of his coping with work and the children might push him over the edge. He still didn’t trust himself.  And that was frightening.

***

Colin Black had taken over as director responsible for monitoring the performance of the mental health trust. He had established regular monthly meetings with the trust manager responsible for serious incidents and complaints, the same man had been at the Regional Health Authority and had stood by as Arthur Lodge deteriorated into a disaster. McPherson had no faith or trust in him.  McPherson briefed Black over his concerns on a number of occasions. The meeting was scheduled for ten AM with a pre meeting between himself and Black. Black was a career manager who had been absorbed into the structure with the demise of the Family Health Services Authority of which he was Chief Executive in Leicestershire. He came over as a company man who played the politics. McPherson went through the main items for discussion and raised pointers over a number of outstanding investigations and incidents that had the potential to lead to investigation.  The most worrying of these was the case of a man who had been treated in Arthur Lodge medium secure unit who had climbed on the roof of a building in Melton Road and caused a stand off that saw roads closed, shops shuttered up and an air exclusion zone declared. A full scale siege response was put into effect that lasted three days. It made the front page news and headlined across the national news media. On the final day the police asked the man’s psychiatrist to go up onto the roof and to try to talk him down. The psychiatrist refused and the man’s best friend was asked to do it. In the course of the discussion the man stabbed his friend five times. This provoked the police to respond by invading the roof by force to make the capture. The surgeons who treated the friend said he had only survived the serious wounds because the emergency services were at the scene on standby.

 

McPherson had been lobbying for months for a full independent inquiry. This he argued was justified under the Department of Health guidance due to the serious nature of the incident. He also pointed out that after pressure was applied by the Loughborough railway platform victim and a mental health charity, The Zito Trust, an independent inquiry had been set in motion in that case. In terms of equity and fairness he felt the Authority would be seen to have acted unfairly if it failed in its public duty to commission an inquiry in this case. He reiterated his feelings to Colin Black who argued against his logic. A heated exchange took place during which Black leaned across the low coffee table between them pointing his finger, he told McPherson he had best watch his career. McPherson let rip. He told Black that all the double dealing had already caused his career to be stymied and that he would not be threatened.

***

After months of delay and McPherson putting forward the same views at the formal Quality Committee a ‘table top’ review was set up. McPherson was ordered to attend. The review consisted of a number of insightless managers sitting round a table listening to the Clinical Director and Responsible Medical Officer tell the assembly how difficult the patient was and how well they had done in managing his care. At the end the Director of Public Health did a quick round the table poll. McPherson had said nothing. The Director of Public Health turned to him directly and asked his thoughts. McPherson had listened to the self aggrandisement and had cringed. He knew any reasonable member of the public would have felt the process to have fallen far short of the mark as far as governance was concerned.  He restated his case that the matter was still live and all the records and involved personnel were in situ therefore an independent inquiry was in the interest of the Authority and the public. John Boddington the Trust Chief Executive was rising to leave the meeting in any case. He rounded on McPherson, slamming the table as he pointed an accusatory finger at him and challenged that McPherson was the only person in the room to want to proceed to an independent inquiry. McPherson nodded and said that it was true.

 

A few days latter McPherson was sent a copy of the notes of the table top review to sign. He sent it back unsigned to the Director of Public Health with a covering letter restating his belief that the review had failed the test of natural justice. He felt like he had sent Mafia Godfather, Don Corleone a horses head.  He felt his days were numbered.

***

A couple of weeks later the telephone had rung as he entered his office.  Kathy Phillips had seemed dry and matter of fact as she instructed him to come straight to her adjacent office.  Her door had been closed when he had passed it seconds beforehand.  It was her practice to close it only when she was holding a meeting in her office or when she had urgent business to attend to and did not wish to be disturbed.  She asked him if he wanted a drink and he made himself an instant coffee at the low table in the corner.  He put two sweeteners in the mug, placed it on the table then sat on the opposite side of the long desk positioned in the middle of the room pushing his drink further onto the desk so that he did not accidentally knock it over.  Kathy seemed less friendly than usual, a little distant, aloof and detached.  This made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up as he was used to a warm, close and almost sensual relationship with the boss he felt he could relate to. 

“I need to talk to you about your recent visit to the Fredrick Dyson Lodge Therapeutic Community John.” She began as she considered a three-page letter she held in front of her that had the mental health trust logo clearly visible on the first page.   “Sue Goss was unhappy at your conduct and has written to Liz Wise about it.”  She handed him the letter.  He began reading the contents and the fifteen points of accusation against him including that he had put patient’s lives in danger.  He was stunned and angry.  After being bullied by the trust team who had attempted to control the monitoring visit by including a number of presentations and other activities during the half-day to keep the inspection team occupied, they had discovered serious breaches of patient safety. McPherson had had to be very assertive in the face of key personnel attempting to force him to comply with a non standard program that would not allow time to review the areas that the monitors were supposed to gather evidence on.

 “I think what you did was wrong.” Phillips interjected as he was rereading the letter.  He felt a numbing panic begin to set in.  Why would Phillips immediately condemn him before hearing his side of things?

“Kathy, these are serious accusations,” he replied as he continued to reread the letter. “Yes I know they are what have you got to say?” she inquired. He felt he had already been judged.  The hostility and demeanour Phillips was displaying made the panic rise in him once more. 

“All but two of the more minor points can be refuted.”  He said.

 “Can’t you see what’s happening here? Sue Goss is attacking me to deflect attention from the fact that she is responsible for the failings we discovered on the unit…..OK, I was probably a little terse with Staff Nurse Bailey but I was being put under tremendous time pressure and with ten years experience I would have expected her to be able to answer simple questions about the care programme approach.” He offered. 

“Never-the-less.” She countered.  “If you did stand on the window ledge and act out jumping through the window I consider that unacceptable.”   

 

His mind was racing.  Phillips was moving to the Trust as a director.  There were managers within the Trust who because of their experience of McPherson as an inspector over the past decade would hold grudges.  Boddington the Trust chief executive had conspired to stop him getting the job as senior commissioner.  McPhail was now aligning herself with Boddington.  He felt sick.  His mouth was dry and he was both fearful and angry at the same time.

 “If anything, Sue Goss should be under the spotlight.  She has a lot to answer for.  She was in charge of Arthur Lodge prior to the independent inquiry, the management of which was seen to be detached and indifferent.  She allowed matters to deteriorate. This is more of the same.  The Trust is supposed to have completely audited window safety and hanging points.  We found both at FDL as well as a glass mirror that was lying around that patient’s had asked staff to remove. All of this in a unit dealing with vulnerable young women who are at risk of self-harm.  Jesus they had a girl fall from a first floor window last year.  Surely they should have been alert and should have inspected the new windows.  Why did it take me to discover these failures?

“John I do not believe that excuses your behaviour.” Phillips said cuttingly.

“Look Kathy, this is a therapeutic community and the team there told me themselves that they work to the service standards set by the Association of Therapeutic Communities and the Royal College of Psychiatrist’s Research Unit.  In essence this means that the whole community manages risks of harm to self and others and patients are involved in maintaining the safety of the physical environment.  Patients in the unit are included in matters of security. Besides the unit put forward a patient to accompany us on our tour of the building that led to discovering the issues.  Can’t you see this is Sue Goss trying to get back at me because of Arthur Lodge and to deflect us from the real issues?  I want you to robustly defend these accusations,” demanded McPherson.

“Kevin Orton and I have discussed it.” She advised “You don’t want to take such accusations with you into your new PCT role. That will just leave you vulnerable.” She concluded. 

“Vulnerable!  He raised his voice.  “I have acted professionally and with integrity as always.  My job and my reputation are built on making sure I am trust worthy and fair.  Why should I be vulnerable?  Simply because I would not allow myself to be bullied and diverted from doing my job?” he spat

“Kevin thinks it would be best to drop the matter and not to cause any fuss. I don’t think the PCT is the place for you in any case.” Phillips ended as the phone rang.  She picked up the receiver and made it clear the interview was over.

***

McPherson sat alone in his office.  It was an overcast day with lead grey clouds that cut the light from his rear of the building office window so that it felt like late evening.  He sat with the light off.  He wondered how it had gotten this bad. His marriage over and having to struggle to look after the kids and pay off the debts Alice had left him.  His job was difficult enough having to go into the trust as an inspector.  He had on many occasions to show courage in the face of powerful and overwhelming odds but he did it.  It was difficult enough when he had the trust and support of Carole McPhail and Kathy Phillips but without this he felt very vulnerable.  Particularly with the impending major reorganisation and the fact that Kathy Phillips had secured herself a good promotion as a director at the mental health trust.  Gamekeeper turned poacher he had called it.

 

Now she was suggesting he take the abuse that Sue Goss had dealt out to him and that he was ‘vulnerable’ and should not go to the PCT.  There was little mention of the failings discovered.  With no other options available other than finding a new job somewhere else, impossible during such a major reorganisation, he felt condemned.  He felt abandoned and as if his soul itself had been torn from his body.  Suddenly his train of misery was broken by a knock on his office door and in stepped Helen his secretary.  She handed him some late post and confirmed arrangements for a meeting she had set up for the following week.  She was generally of a happy disposition despite her son having ongoing medical problems.  He thought of her as steady, dependable and quite sweet.  From conversations he had built up a picture of a very generous wife and mother who dedicated herself to her family.  “I don’t know how you can work in the dark,” she said “See you next week, enjoy your weekend.”  “Thanks.” he said as she turned and walked to the door.  He watched her go and thought her attractive.  She had a very pretty, sensuous face with dark eyes, full lips and long auburn hair.  She was a bit overweight but attractive none-the-less. He had also noticed that she had a nice voice and she spoke well.  He shut down the computer, leant over and closed the briefcase on the floor beside his chair, stood up with it, took his jacket from the hook behind the door and left for his weekend with no regrets. He fleetingly thought of Holly and wished their relationship had continued.

 

The weeks were passing quickly with little positive progress. Helen had left the team for her new job at one of the city PCTs.  Kathy Phillips was due to leave the following week and as yet he had not met with the director at the east county PCT where he was destined to move.  He felt he was in limbo awaiting the news that he was to go to hell. 

 

Another weekend was upon him, the children had gone to their mother’s new home in Yorkshire where she had decided to live with her new partner. He could not believe she had decided to settle so far from the children.  But in reality he was not surprised as she had been mesmerised by the man sixteen years her senior and his lifestyle, and he was living in Yorkshire and had little interest in the children. McPherson moped about most of the time doing odd bids and pieces. In the evenings he sat in front of the TV watching mindless programmes that he was not really interested in before going up to the computer to write a professional article he had embarked upon and the book he was writing about his experiences over the years as a mental health commissioner.  He had begun the book as a cathartic exercise after his frustration at struggling to improve the psychiatric services threatened to psychologically overwhelm him. He drank copious amounts of alcohol when on his own and rarely went to bed before two AM.   He would go to bed sad and tired and awaken sad and tired.  By the Monday morning he had not spoken to a living soul and was feeling isolated and alone.  Part of him valued the peace but over all he felt bereft and somewhat like a soul wandering the plain between heaven and hell. 

 

As he was off on the Monday, he decided to get on with some overdue cleaning of the kitchen; the sort of jobs that did not get done during his weekly Sunday assault on his precious kitchen, such as defrosting the fridge and cleaning out cupboards.

 

He had been hard at the task for about half an hour when he decided to have a cup of tea. Tea was a commodity he also drank in copious quantities.  He would when alone drink tea for warmth and comfort.  So much so it often left a long lasting taste of tannin in his mouth that left him feeling unfulfilled.  The kettle was beginning to reach a crescendo when he opened the refrigerator door to begin clearing it out prior to cleaning it with a propriety antibacterial spray cleaner. In the lower door shelf were two pints of milk, a carton of Delmonte orange juice and two cans of strong Woodpecker cider left over from a barbeque.   The thought of yet another cup of tea was unappealing.  He could sense the clean refreshing taste of the cider in his imagination set against the cloying aftertaste of tannin rich tea.  He reached into the fridge, pulled out a can and shut the door in one motion.  He tugged open the ring-pull and gulped down a quenching slug of the sweet cool liquid. He finished the can in three more gulps and placed it in the recycle basket on the worktop by the back door before opening the fridge and removing the remaining can of cider.   He carried on cleaning the kitchen, trying to keep his spirits up as he washed away his guilt.  For most of his life he had cleaned as a driven penance for his feelings of inadequacy and guilt.  Cleanliness was next to godliness had been a reality in his psyche as a growing Catholic boy in Glasgow.  His anger at his father’s untidiness and failure to help out in the home fuelled his feelings and drove his cycle of self-punishment. His thoughts vacillated between determination and despair.  So rapid was the cycling between the two that often he would become tearful for no apparent reason.  He was angry with Cathy McPhail for being a turncoat but he still had admiration for her and for that matter his affection remained.  He felt the same way about Kathy Phillips although he felt totally betrayed by her.  He was angry that she was not the heroine he had imagined her to be and felt a fool for having worshipped her.  He felt vulnerable and felt destined to be sidelined. He was resentful and very angry that Phillips had secured herself a director post at the trust and had used her influence to get their secretary Helen a post elsewhere whilst leaving the rest of the team to fend for themselves. He was angry that he had been largely unsupported and undefended from the attack by Sue Goss and Liz Wise and that he was being painted a picture of an unappealing and uncertain future post reorganisation.  He thought of Helen’s expressed joy at having been found another job and he felt angry.  His determination to use his anger as some sort of buoyancy aid, as he often did, collapsed as rapidly as it had risen and he found himself dispirited, forlorn and dejected.

 

He found concentrating difficult and kept being diverted from his cleaning task.  When the post came he stopped to leaf through the small bunch of envelopes, mostly unsolicited junk mail.  He went upstairs to check his e mail on several occasions. This was a yearning for contact or a sign that someone cared. He felt very alone.  He had turned the computer on before coming downstairs and he left it on. 

 

By eleven in the morning he had almost completed cleaning the kitchen and had broken open the box of Stella Artois in the under stairs cupboard.  Three cans later and his mind began to focus upon Helen and the self satisfied look when she announced that Kathy had secured her a job.  He thought of how womanly and feminine she looked. He thought of her lips and of her dressed in the leather trousers and top she had worn to the showing of the mental health video he had produced. He thought of her homeliness and her ample breasts. He couldn’t help himself. He thought of what a good wife she would make and wondered if her son and the kids could get on together.

 

He went to the spare room. He wrote an e mail to Helen at her new office as all e mail addresses were standard for NHS Staff.  He did not know why he was doing so but he yearned for contact with her.  Her move had happened quickly and he was unable because of the kids to attend her leaving ‘do’. He had not felt he had had a proper opportunity to say goodbye.  He felt jealous about her having been thrown a lifeline and also about her appearance as a near perfect wife and mother.  He also felt physically attracted to her and thought of her at the video preview. His emotions were confused.  Alice, Holly and the disaster that was happening at work all made him feel very miserable.  He wrote ‘You look good in leather!’  and sent the e mail before going back down to continue his work.  Half an hour later he went up stairs to check for a response.  To his delight there was a contact in his ‘in’ box.  He felt a surge of excitement as he clicked on the message.  The e mail simply read ‘Grrrrrrrrrrrr!’

He felt shocked. He took it as a rebuke.  Helen had obviously been offended by the message. He felt devastated. He sat slumped on the stool in a dazed and disbelieving fugue state.  After a few minutes he sat forward and clicked on the reply button.  He sent a short apology to Helen stating that he did not mean to cause any offence.  He found the scenario strange as Helen was the one who always made most comment when he wore his kilt.  He liked the attention but it seemed very personal and sexual in nature.  He moped about the house for another hour and managed to drink another can of beer.  He had been having a great deal of discomfort with a back injury and had also taken a Piriton tablet that morning and the anti inflamitory capsule his GP had prescribed. 

 

Time became an irrelevance; when he next sat at the computer there was a response from Helen.  She had replied to say that her ‘Grrrrrrrrrrr e mail was not a rebuke but was meant to represent her being a bear in her leathers.  The tenor of the new mail was warm and friendly.  He was greatly relieved and felt a wave of emotion overwhelm him.  At that moment all of his desire was for Helen.  His mind was consumed with memories of her in his office and his yearning for a mother for the children and his sexual attraction to her as a woman.  He was writing the e mail in the heat of his passion and was explicit in what he was telling her about his feelings and what he wanted to do with her.  It was a drunken blur but he felt a mixture of anticipation and cold fear at one and the same time.  He pressed send. Ten minutes later Helen’s reply left him in no doubt that he had made a huge error of judgement.  His mind was sharp for a brief and terrifying instant over the implications of what he had just done but he was still very drunk and in a desperate attempt to escape he staggered to his room and instantly fell asleep on his bed. 

 

The next thing he knew a neighbour was knocking frantically on his front door as she had brought his children home from school when he failed to appear and was concerned about him.

 

The next day he had to attend a meeting in North Nottingham.  He had agonised through the night about what he had done and had hardly slept.  He left home after Michaela arrived slightly late and drove in a daze up the M1.  He was consumed with guilt.  He was early for the meeting which did not start until 10:00 AM so he telephoned Helen’s office.  When she heard his voice she was calm “John, I don’t want to speak to you.” she said before cutting him off.

 

Twenty-four hours later Kathy Phillips stared across his living room with a look that seemed to be a mixture of sympathy and self satisfaction.  Once again she was not the warm person he thought he knew.  He could not control his emotions and cried throughout the interview.  She had brought one of the human resources advisors from the Authority William Bunce. 

 

“John if you had not reported sick yesterday I would have had no alternative other than to suspend you for gross misconduct.”

 

When they had left he had sat for over an hour unable to organise any pattern to his thoughts.  He was afraid to move in case his thoughts began to take form.  When he did move to go and relieve himself the dam broke and he could not stop sobbing for a long time.  He felt his life had ended and he just wanted to hold his children in his arms and sleep forever.

 

By the time he needed to collect the children from school he had rallied himself sufficiently to be able to hide his moribund state from them.

 

When the disciplinary was to be heard he knew that there was a strong possibility that he would be dismissed from his job.  What then for a single parent of two young children with little or no job prospect.  He felt exceedingly desperate and alone in the world; a world he no longer wanted to be a part of and one in which he could not face his own children, friends, neighbours or family.

 

The next week was a confusion of emotion, particularly misery.  He spent the days on a roller coaster of feelings as he tried in vain to rally support from his union representative to defend his case.  When he collected the children from school he had to mask his depressed state and act normal. Given the kids were his only source of joy he was able to focus on this well enough, at least until they were in bed each night.

 

He felt there was nothing to look forward to in life. He dreaded the weekends when the kids went away as he found himself growing more and more desperate and needed them around to keep him mind off of his morbid thoughts.

 

His mind was no longer his own. His life was in someone else’s hands yet again. He wanted to scream, to cry and to be told it was all a bad dream. He grew number by the day in order to hide from the fear he felt. At the same time his hatred and anger began to burgeon.