The Split

So, can you afford this place by yourself?
Yeah, I did the maths.                     
Okay, I’ll take the washing machine, you take the couches.   
You kidding, the washing machine was a present, you take the couches.
I know how to work the washing machine.
Well, I know how to work the coffee machine, but I don’t make a song and dance about it.
Was that why you phoned the plumber when it ran out of water.
I didn’t phone him for that, I was getting a quote for something plummery I was thinking of doing.
Plummery, is that computer speak. Which reminds me, laptop, I’ll be taking that.
You’ll have to wait till I put it back together.
What do you mean put it back together, it’s new.
  I know it’s new, now it’s super new, with 12 g installed.
12 g hasn’t been invented yet.
It has now, with my new revolutionary thought processor and rewind imagery camera.
Have you finally gone nuts, you see what I’ve had to put up with the last five years?
Well, I can’t tell you what you’ve put up with the last five years, but I can for the last six months.
Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now, what have you done.
I installed a chip in you. Pick a date out in the last six months and I’ll show you what you were doing.
You’re mad, okay December the 11th.
Right, just put that date in, okay let’s view.  You’re having a coffee morning with your sisters
and wait, you’re slagging me off, as usual, tut tut.
My god, this is madness, you’ve finally lost it.
Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet, let's check out Dec 13th. Oh look, it’s you and the plumber in which seems to be a posh hotel.
So it is, do I look hot or what.
That wasn’t my first thought I must admit, maybe you could explain yourself.
Isn’t it obvious, I mean, you installed the bloody chip, what part don’t you understand.
I don’t understand why you’re with my plumber on the date he promised to install my new revolutionary coffee maker.

Reviews

[Riddhi]

Actually I feel that actually your imagination took you somewhere else because this is very different from normal break ups..Normally they never happen in so peaceful way..But I still loved your imagination...
Keep on writing...

[Paul Bell]

May have added some legs.lol

[barleygirl]

Your imagination has leaped to a different universe, several fathom leaps from the one I’m in (& which I’d been thinking you were in, too!) *smile* I started out thru the first half thinking this was far too flippant to be an attempt to resemble a true-to-life break-up, so it must be a spoof. I was thereby alerted that some ridikulus s**t was a-comin’! *smile* I cannot ever anticipate the wild directions your imagination might decide to dance to, leaping from comet to asteroid, etc. Thanks for entertaining us (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Paul Bell]

It'll never last with the plumber. She'll be back. lol

[Lyn Anderson]

Lol. Having the conversational split is a luxury not afforded to those ending an abusive relationship. Illogical logic that it is, we divide up the mundane everyday things in an attempt to reorder the disorder. That's my take anyway. A really clever piece

[Paul Bell]

Where you been hiding, Lyn.

[Wild Rose]

I suppose that it the end of a relationship > that one any how

[Paul Bell]

Only if the plumber lasts the pace.

[Beccy]

Sublime, surreal and so very witty.

I just adored this; tears in my eyes!

Beccy.

[Paul Bell]

Cheer up Monday.

[DIVYA]

In the War of the Roses
When there is nothing left to say
Tear each other to bits
Grab all the stuff and run away
Better still, insert chips in
each others drawers
Oh what a plummery this was!

Loved it Paul!

[Paul Bell]

You might get arrested for putting chips in peoples drawers. Worth thinking about mind you. lol

[DIVYA]

Just that I'm getting too many ideas, reading this! Lol.

[Coyote Poetry]

Separations. I was old-school. Left everything and ran. I didn't own much in the old days. I liked the thoughts and how you divided-up the things. Thank you Paul for sharing the excellent tale.
Coyote

[Paul Bell]

Sometimes running is the way ahead.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are right Paul. Ain't working, can't be fixed, in most cases. You are welcome.

[Chris Shaw]

Entertaining and fun to read.

Chris

[Island Hippy]

Lol.... what a yarn! Love it, very clever Paul. Mahalo for the laughs x

[Paul Bell]

You don't know any Plumbers I hope. lol

[Island Hippy]

Lol.... I prefer a general handy man! Versatility 😉

[Gee]

Reads like a good friends life at present. Going through a messy divorce, all promises made at the seperation broken, along with 4 hearts !!
Clever writing Paul. Most enjoyable :)

[Paul Bell]

Divorce is always messy. Probably why they call marriage an institution.