Chapter 1

The beginning.

25^th of September 2012, Tuesday

Ah, the satisfaction of tapping away on my keyboard once again and watching the flashing line move across the word document as I write these words. I’ve been dying to write something down and I’ve been craving to feel as I do now. So many ideas have passed through my head and not one has motivated me enough to put it into words, until this morning when I was in the shower. I must admit some of my best ideas come to me in the shower. Basically, in this short story or passage or entry (choose what you may) I will admit some of my insecurities, share my new self-loving plan and perhaps share my recent break up along with a recall of recent events mixed in.

Insecurity. Oh I really shouldn’t be writing about this… only because I may sound like an attention seeking fat b***h that continuously wallows in self-pity. Some days I look in the mirror and all I see is a pudgy young girl with thunder thighs, a large stomach that could be mistaken as 18 week pregnancy, a floppy bum with stretch marks in her inner thighs, b***s as large as her butt and flabby arms. Other days I see this cute little blonde girl that’s curvy, and although she isn’t perfect and has a tummy that sticks out (because I have a things called a stomach that requires some space, which is perfectly normal), with a nice chest, fine shoulders and long neck. That girl is confident and happy to be who she is. She isn’t me. I name her Scarlet Larn. She is who I plan to be with my new ‘Self-loving  Bootylicious Sassy Independent Woman’ plan.

I am still in the process of a break up. This break up is what really kicked started my new self-loving plan because over the almost one year relationship somewhere along the way I lost the confidence that had taken 15 years to build up. This horrible exaggeration makes this past relationship seem worse than it really was, but it is true that somehow according to my friend Jessie I lost my, “Sassy independence,” in that relationship and now I plan to find it again.
 Step one of this plan is not completely cut out bad food, but limit my consumption. So far this step hasn’t followed through very well seeing as yesterday my sister, Morgan and I bought chocolate and lollies. These snacks were accompanied by movies, one of which was Dorian Gray, which turned out to bitterly disappointing, although I did enjoy looking at Ben Barnes handsome young face… sigh. Which leads onto the second step, to grow an unhealthy fascination/fixation/obsession on handsome actors to distract from the thought of said past relationship and dream of possibilities for new ones (perhaps with one of those handsome actors, hehehe). Step four is to read more magazines and watch new movies as well as new TV series to immerse myself in pop culture and the latest trends that I have lost touch with. Step five; spend more time with my friends and family, something else I lost touch with. Step six, to exercise on our stationary bike next to the pool table. Not just to get fit, but to gain confidence that and self-esteem about my body. This part seems to be the most successful thus far, I ride at least 3km every time and with Lonely Hearts Club by Marina pumping out of my iPad to move me alone. I find when songs such as I Eat Boys Like You For Breakfast from the Offspring come from up on shuffle I push myself even harder because it reminds me of why I created my self-loving plan in the first place.

The last step is to write and create. I have lost touch with my dream to become an artist. My one burning aspiration. Ah, the satisfaction of tapping away on my keyboard once again and watching the flashing line move across the word document as I write these words. I’ve been dying to write something down and I’ve been craving to feel as I do now. And in the last week to write something, anything. So while I was in the shower, after I had done my 3km on the bike and listened to my motivational music, I hoped into the shower and imagined the feeling on typing on a keyboard and began narrating what I was doing in my head and my insecurities forged its way in as a topic. So I’m going to write them down. Basically, in this short story or passage or entry (choose what you may) I will admit some of my insecurities, share my new self-loving plan and perhaps share my recent break up along with a recall of recent events mixed in. This document is enough for one morning, I will continue to write, but for now my passion is satisfied. 

Author's Note

Only written yesterday, and yet to re-read and grammar and spell proof (apologies). Please give any and all advice!!

Reviews

[B30]

I'm just through with the writing and I love the fact that you could write personally and not feel triggered to stop some exposing of yourself, but you laid the rest of it very well. I also liked how you presented like an agenda (the step ones, step twos), and it was interesting to see how you planned this forwards and backwards.
Secondly, it didn't felt like reading a diary, but it felt more like a memoir (in a good way) and it was like, you were introducing to us (the readers) who you were, and what you do and it's like we actually felt more close. There was like a bond, trust and understanding and that was awesome.
Lastly, I just want to commend on this piece of good writing. I'm stoked with what you have in store for the unpublished chapter 2 :D

[Pearlie]

Wow, thank you so much! I wanted people to connect with it and I'm glad it makes you feel close. read moreWow, thank you so much! I wanted people to connect with it and I'm glad it makes you feel close.
Thank you for all of your lovely comments and yes I will publish it soon, it needs some fixing first ahahah

[B30]

Same to you as well! Will be waiting to read it :D

[MOON]

I love how you taking the pain lonliness and sadness and creating something positive out of it. I like the going back to my roots the things that get lost on the wayside when we too busy or in love . The important stuff the things that feed the soul. Go well on your journey my friend well penned.

[Pearlie]

Woah! Thank you C:
And yes, I am we'll on the way!

[Brittany DeFranco]

Some of my best ideas come to me when taking a shower/bath lol And just because you have insecurities doesn't mean that your an attention seeking person, it just means you need to work out who you are, why you love yourself, and gain the power inside you to be who you are and never let anyone take that away from you. Relationships where you depend on someone is not healthy either, you're right, you need to find that "sassy independence" once again and men sometimes like independent woman and you will find the right guy just being yourself and no one else. And um, why have an obsession on hot actors when you can find new love out there on your own? That's just my opinion. (I read in a earlier review that this is somewhat personal to you so I gave you advice ^_^)
I love stories/journal entries like this, they are so moving and powerful, I hope you keep writing and continue on with this book you have going on.

[Pearlie]

Its partially personal. Some parts are taken from other other places. But most of it is I guess.
read moreIts partially personal. Some parts are taken from other other places. But most of it is I guess.
Ahaha I said that I was 'attention seeking' because I might right later on about some people who have blamed me for being attention seeking when I'm actually rather insecure.
Dont worry Im slowly finding that sassy independence again!
Oh I obsess over hot actors because well 1. I litterally can not help it, first there is a spark of interest that then develops and I cant control it ahaha 2. I dont plan on really having another relationship until I finish school, that may not happen but yea.
Thank you anyway
It was a rather difficult relationship, I was hoping to end it on a good note but its turns out this guy is just acting worse and worse. I will continue on with it!

Thank you so much! I started it really to help me uncover within myself my insecurities and maybe find solutions.

Thank you for the review!! It means a lot to me!

and yes the shower seems to be my head space aahhaha

[Brittany DeFranco]

lol well I hope the break up works out for you, cause I been through a bad breakup before, my advice is get it over with ASAP or else it will get worse and worse and you will feel like your being sucked into a black hole. I hope this helps ^_^

[Kathryn Star, Shine!]

You write "real emotions" and at times all of us can be critical/harsh on ourselves like how you wrote. It's like reading someone's diary and finding a connection. I found it all very good - humor to keep it light and the description of the new you - we all strive for. Excellent!

[Pearlie]

WOW thank you so much, it means so much to me!!! Your reviews have made my night, thank you!!!

[Kathryn Star, Shine!]

I like it! It's your most intimate feelings you feel about yourself but reaches out to every woman on the planet - so you gain your audience right there with agreement. Your story flows well and has the reader wanting more such as, are you going to become the person you want to be after a long engaging type of relationship/broken. Also, getting your passion back which is encouraging. So many people get into relationships and "lose" themselves in it.


Very nice and I look forward to reading more. =D Just a few typo's but we all have that. Writing is constant editing!! lol

[Pearlie]

This is the loveliest review I've ever gotten!! Thank you so much C:
Yea it really is rather personal, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Its the best way really for me to get back into my passion and find myself again.
Did you find there was a nice element of humor or was I trying too hard..?

Thank you, thank you! and yea ahah I will go back and fix it.