One

A Chapter by Pearls&&Batman

My eyes darted open, blackness was all around in my vision. I let a sign escape my lips and rolled over to the left and looked at the blue light that shone 5:15 A.M. I pushed my covers back, stretched then sat up, the whole building was quiet as I sat there.

BUZZ BUZZ

I grabbed my phone and hit the screen, shutting my eyes at my own stupidity as a bright light filled the room. I squinted, turned the brightness down, then opened the message that awaited me.

M.Clark: Hey quick question?!?!?! I need you here as soon as you get this! Wait thats not a question, hell I forgot what it was just come as quickly as you can please.

I gave a quick yes, put my feet on the cold floor, stretched as I stood and walked to the bathroom. I grabbed my panties, bra and my little black dress, with the water as hot as i could stand it I grabbed a shower.

*20 minutes later*

The black taxi stopped in front of me, I pulled open the door and sat down.

"34th and 75th" I smiled at the middle aged man sitting in front of me. I pulled my phone from my purse to make sure I hadn't missed anymore text or calls. I then stuck it back in my purse as we zipped through the early morning traffic.

"45.63" The taxi man said I pulled out some money "keep the change" I smiled as I got off closing the door as he zipped down the road on to his next customer in the early morning. I pulled open the door of the clinic I worked at, it was abuzz for 6:15 in the morning.

"Good morning Dr. Jones" Merrie frantically smiled as she looked around.

"Morning Merrie, Clark said there was emergency this morning" I said as I walked behind the desk and checked in, pulled my long black hair in my pony tail and grabbed my white coat.

"In the office, wait exam room 4" She said as I walked into the back, opening my locker I placed my bag in there and closed it. I grabbed a few files from the front where Merrie was and walked to exam room 4.

Knock Knock

"Come in" Came Doctor Max Clark's voice. I pushed open the door and found him siting with an elderly gentleman in a suit, he didn't look sick but looks are deceiving.

"Mr. Pennyworth this is the doctor I was just talking about Doctor Nonie Jones." Max said with a smile, I smiled extending my hand to the older gentleman whos smiled back with a warm hand shake.

"I was wondering if I could get you to come out to Wayne Manor and check Mr. Bruce Wayne" Mr. Pennyworth said. I looked at Max and he looked at me.

"I would but I have stuff here and you can see we are crazy busy this morning. If you do this you can just got out there and have the rest of the day off." Max grinned trying to get me to do it.

"Sure. I can come take a look at Mr. Wayne " I smiled at Mr. Pennyworth

"Great, I will write the address down and please come as soon as you can." Mr. Pennyworth smiled as he wrote down an address and handed it to me, I smiled and looked at the address.

"I will go get my bag ready, what are the extent of his injuries?" I questioned as I took my notepad out to write.

"A few scrapes, bruises, maybe something that need sewing. I only have base knowledge of medicine, I would greatly appreciated, you would be paid greatly with a donation to your clinic" he stated talking to Max more then me. I slipped out the door, as Alexis, come around the corner. I smiled and handed her the files I was holding. She just kind of looked at me, I smiled as Mr. Pennyworth and Dr. Clark came out of the room.

"Nonie will be out of the office for the rest of the day, lets see who we can call in to help with this crazy busy Friday morning." Max said as Merrie looked around the corner, I smiled and walked into the medical supply closet.

*30 Minutes later*

The windows where down on my jeep, music was playing, directions rang out, my hair was blowing around me as I drove toward Wayne Manor. I had a couple of bags filled with anything and everything I might need. As I rounded the corner I saw the huge iron gate that rose into the sky, "Holy sit" I whispered, I pulled up to the gate and was about to push the button when the gate started to open.

"Please drive on up Doctor Jones" I heard as I started through the gate, the winding road was mostly one lane as I drove an extra 10/15 minutes when the house came into view. I gasped as I pulled up in front of the house and put my Jeep in park. I pulled my sunglasses off my face and hung them on the visor. I reach in the back of the jeep grabbing the bags. I was walking up to the door when it opened and Mister Bruce Wayne was standing there in running shorts. I opened my mouth, then closed it quickly.

© 2016 Pearls&&Batman

Author's Note

Ignore grammar problems. Also this is just a rough draft of something I would like to work on when I have time.

My Review

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Reviews

JayG

• My eyes darted open, blackness was all around in my vision.

First, stop trying to be literary. It gets in the way, and the extra words slow the read and blunt the impact. Eyes don't dart open, and the reader doesn't give a damn how fast they did, in any case. They want to know WHY they opened and what was seen.

Next. You had the character open their eyes. So the reader assumes they did so in order to see. There's no need to tell them that what their eyes do is called vision. So in this, you used eleven words to say, "I opened my eyes to darkness.

• I let a sign escape my lips and rolled over to the left and looked at the blue light that shone 5:15 A.M.

I assume you mean sigh, not sign.That aside, sighs do not escape, and the lips are not a prison. My point is that because the reader has no idea of what's happening as they read this, they don't know why this unidentified speaker felt it necessary to sigh. They don't know what cause them to open their eyes. They don't know where they are, who they are, or what's going on. But if the protagonist is the POV character they should know the situation as the character, not the narrator, does (and since the character and the narrator live at different times they cannot appear together, so it matters not at all that you're using first person. It's still in the viewpoint of a speaker we can neither see nor hear, not the one who just opened their eyes.

Given that, and given that we don't know if the protagonist is on their back or stomach (or hanging like a bat) telling them which way they turned over is meaningless to a given reader. So why mention it?

And finally, you just said there was no light, so they CANNOT see blue light. Complicating that, what in the hell is blue light, and how can blue light shine numbers? You know. The character knows, but unless it's clear to the reader because they have context it has no meaning. Yes, they will figure out, but they have to think about that when they should be living the story. And though it's a sad thing, the reader will stop reading with the first line that confuses them, so it matters not at all if they later would figure it out.

In writing, you cannot say, "You know what I mean," because they won't, unless you give them context.

The problem is that you're thinking in terms of visual events. The character opens their eyes, turns over, and sees the time. Next you visualize them touching the screen on some sort of device that turns on the lights. You have them adjust the light. But in terms of the plot, who cares? Everyone wakes up. What's entertaining about learning that someone they don't know, in a time and place we don't know, woke for unknown reason, and turned on the lights? Nothing. You used 290 words, placing the reader on the second page to do nothing more than wake the character and move them to office where to action will—hopefully—take place.

My point? You're explaining when the reader hopes to be entertained. There is nothing remotely entertaining about learning the details of waking up and going to work. We don't even know how he feels about it, what he thinks is the reason he was summoned, or anything that give us insight into either the situation or his character.

I can't stress this strongly enough: Facts are boring. History books are filled with facts and how often do you buy one for light reading? Stories are about emotion, not facts. They are NOT a chronicle of events.

When you read a horror story, do you want to know that the protagonist is frightened, or are you hoping the story will terrorize YOU?

So here's the thing, a secret we don't learn in our school days: Writing fiction is unlike the kind of writing we learned in school. There we learn to chronicle events, to inform, to deal in facts, because the goal is to inform when writing nonfiction of the kind employers favor. But fiction aims to entertain by giving the reader an emotional, not factual experience. So fiction is emotion, not fact based. It's character, not author-centric. We show, we don't tell. And all of that comes under the heading of a learned skill.

No way in hell can we write a scene if we don't know what it is and how the various elements work together. But since they don't cover that in our school days (or even in an undergrad CW course), unless we spend a bit of time, and perhaps a few dollars, acquiring our writers knowledge, we can't think of ourselves as serious about writing.

It's not harder than the writing styles we learned, and use on the job, it's just different.

And to acquire that education the local library system's fiction writing section can be a huge help.

So keep on writing, of course,if for no other reason than that it's fun. But at the same time, set some time aside to pick up a few professional tricks. It's an investment in time that will pay big dividends.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 8 Years Ago

• My eyes darted open, blackness was all around in my vision.

First, stop trying to be literary. It gets in the way, and the extra words slow the read and blunt the impact. Eyes don't dart open, and the reader doesn't give a damn how fast they did, in any case. They want to know WHY they opened and what was seen.

Next. You had the character open their eyes. So the reader assumes they did so in order to see. There's no need to tell them that what their eyes do is called vision. So in this, you used eleven words to say, "I opened my eyes to darkness.

• I let a sign escape my lips and rolled over to the left and looked at the blue light that shone 5:15 A.M.

I assume you mean sigh, not sign.That aside, sighs do not escape, and the lips are not a prison. My point is that because the reader has no idea of what's happening as they read this, they don't know why this unidentified speaker felt it necessary to sigh. They don't know what cause them to open their eyes. They don't know where they are, who they are, or what's going on. But if the protagonist is the POV character they should know the situation as the character, not the narrator, does (and since the character and the narrator live at different times they cannot appear together, so it matters not at all that you're using first person. It's still in the viewpoint of a speaker we can neither see nor hear, not the one who just opened their eyes.

Given that, and given that we don't know if the protagonist is on their back or stomach (or hanging like a bat) telling them which way they turned over is meaningless to a given reader. So why mention it?

And finally, you just said there was no light, so they CANNOT see blue light. Complicating that, what in the hell is blue light, and how can blue light shine numbers? You know. The character knows, but unless it's clear to the reader because they have context it has no meaning. Yes, they will figure out, but they have to think about that when they should be living the story. And though it's a sad thing, the reader will stop reading with the first line that confuses them, so it matters not at all if they later would figure it out.

In writing, you cannot say, "You know what I mean," because they won't, unless you give them context.

The problem is that you're thinking in terms of visual events. The character opens their eyes, turns over, and sees the time. Next you visualize them touching the screen on some sort of device that turns on the lights. You have them adjust the light. But in terms of the plot, who cares? Everyone wakes up. What's entertaining about learning that someone they don't know, in a time and place we don't know, woke for unknown reason, and turned on the lights? Nothing. You used 290 words, placing the reader on the second page to do nothing more than wake the character and move them to office where to action will—hopefully—take place.

My point? You're explaining when the reader hopes to be entertained. There is nothing remotely entertaining about learning the details of waking up and going to work. We don't even know how he feels about it, what he thinks is the reason he was summoned, or anything that give us insight into either the situation or his character.

I can't stress this strongly enough: Facts are boring. History books are filled with facts and how often do you buy one for light reading? Stories are about emotion, not facts. They are NOT a chronicle of events.

When you read a horror story, do you want to know that the protagonist is frightened, or are you hoping the story will terrorize YOU?

So here's the thing, a secret we don't learn in our school days: Writing fiction is unlike the kind of writing we learned in school. There we learn to chronicle events, to inform, to deal in facts, because the goal is to inform when writing nonfiction of the kind employers favor. But fiction aims to entertain by giving the reader an emotional, not factual experience. So fiction is emotion, not fact based. It's character, not author-centric. We show, we don't tell. And all of that comes under the heading of a learned skill.

No way in hell can we write a scene if we don't know what it is and how the various elements work together. But since they don't cover that in our school days (or even in an undergrad CW course), unless we spend a bit of time, and perhaps a few dollars, acquiring our writers knowledge, we can't think of ourselves as serious about writing.

It's not harder than the writing styles we learned, and use on the job, it's just different.

And to acquire that education the local library system's fiction writing section can be a huge help.

So keep on writing, of course,if for no other reason than that it's fun. But at the same time, set some time aside to pick up a few professional tricks. It's an investment in time that will pay big dividends.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100