An Apology of sorts

"I'm sorry."
I know that wasn't what you wanted to hear. I was being irrational, acting out of fear.
"This is what I want."
I don't know why I thought that would make it any easier for you.
"Please don't do this."
you were crying. that is when I broke completely. I realized that I would have to be a monster to go through with it. No matter how much it hurt me to keep going, no matter how long I would have to spend in this emotional abyss, I still loved you.

I scared you. You had every right to call the police. you had every right to shut me out of your life. I'm not good for you. I hate to say it, but I told you so. And even though I've never been so low, I wanted to thank you. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for picking up the phone at 3am when I was too drunk to want anyone else. Thank you for every time we held hands, for every time you played with my hair, for every back scratch, for every kiss, for all the love, making me feel like I'd be missed.

I know you probably won't ever read this, and you probably don't miss the way I'd fall apart. I know you're moving on, and that's good, I'm so proud of you, but I still love you. You are still my 3am thoughts, my home, a new reason to take shots until my vision blurs so much I can't see you when I close my eyes.

If you ever see this, if I'm ever something you miss, if you ever want to check up on me, please, I won't be waiting, but I'll always be ready to hear your voice.

I love you always. I'm sorry.