?

This one means a lot. I just wrote it from the heart. Based on current events.

Feeling nothing.

Better than feeling something?

Is that something pain, sadness, anger, sorrow?

Who knows.

Who wants to know.

But not feeling anything hurts the most.

Betrayed by yourself,

Fooled by your own mind.

Not being able to cry.

And that mind that betrayed you,

Is crying and screaming out for help.

Just it can't do it out loud.

Tearing and ripping at itself,

Dwelling on the past and thinking about the horrible future.

Starting to think the only way out is dying.

At least you wouldn’t feel anything.

You would finally escape from the hell that is yourself.

Finally escape feeling nothing but so much at the same time.

It would be easier.

Then those peaceful thoughts of just floating along,

Somewhere in paradise.

Somewhere where you can be happy

You’d escape all of your problems.

You just don’t know what those problems are.

You are then sucked back into the reality that you can’t float in paradise

You are stuck

Crying out for help

Being ignored

Just wanting someone to look at you and know that you aren’t alright

When you tell someone that you feel awful, that you want to die

They laugh it off

So then you keep all in.

You hold it in till it hurts.

You cry at night in pain of the feelings

These thoughts

Then you bring that blade to your wrist.

You feel something,

You immediately burst into tears

But it felt so good.

Now it has become a habit.

You can’t escape it.

The cuts show, they get worse

You learn how to hide them,

Long sleeves and bracelets.

You still cry every night and pray

You pray that you won’t wake up in the morning

You get so desperate to escape.

You feel like this, but you have a great life,

You have people you love you.

People you have told about problems, but not that you want to die, or that you cut

These people want to help.

Then there are the others who laugh at you, thinking that you want attention

Thinking that you are fine.

You tell them something wrong, and they “fix” it.

What the heck?

You can’t fix the mental struggle that you have caused.

You made it too messy.

It is not all your fault,

Something about brain chemistry.

But you still push these feelings down so you pretend to be happy.

Sometimes you are, rarely.

You keep fooling yourself,

Trying to be the person you once were.

You feel guilty because you know you shouldn’t feel like this

“Others have it worse.”

“Just don’t think about it”

Common phrases you say to yourself

You start telling yourself lies

Your cutting gets worse.

You finally realize that you have hit rock bottom.

You have tried to sleep it off,

Distract yourself.

But you finally gave up.

You sat on the ground with a bottle of pills.

Debating whether or not you should do it.

“The world is better off.”

“You’re better off.”

You turn the lid.

“You won’t be so sad and empty.”

You shake the pills.

The voice in your head telling you to do it,

It turns into your mother.

She’s begging you not to do it.

You see her crying when she would find your limp body.

You put the pills away and cut.  

You couldn’t do it.

You decide to live even if it is hell.

You still cry yourself to sleep every night,

You hide your cuts,

You dwell on your thoughts and feelings.

But hey,

Everyone else is fine right?

-a.r.

You have pushed me and shoved me.

You have hurt me.

You have put into things that are undesirable to me.

You have made me question many things.

Thinking these things,

It stings.

Salt in the wound.

I feel doomed.

I can’t tell you enough

You have put me through a lot,

But somehow,

I still love you.

But at the same time,

I hate so much.

-a.r.