The flower . . . in the brook

Only to behold, never to hold.

You are like a flower . . . a beautiful flower . . . that floats on the water . . . along a brook . . . that gently flows by . . . before me.

 

As the brook . . . carries you along . . . I can only behold . . . your perfect beauty.

 

I run along the shore . . . as you undulate . . . with the round rocks . . . and leafy fauna.

 

To reach down . . . and catch you . . . hold you . . . would mean . . . disaster.

 

You would only . . . fall apart . . . in my hands.

 

I can only behold . . . your beauty . . . and nothing more.

 

I ache so . . . to hold you . . . I can only weep . . . silent tears . . . as I behold . . . the water . . . in the brook . . . take you away . . . from me . . .

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

The metaphor here is really powerful! I would suggest, however, that you get rid of all the ellipses (...) and turn them into regular line breaks, so the poem would read like this:
"You're like a flower
A beautiful flower
That floats on the water" etc. etc.

Too many ellipses can get very frustrating and tedious to read, and if anything it hinders your form more than it helps it, because occasionally you have a period at the beginning of a line.

I really like your metaphor, though, and your imagery is strong here. Good job.

[Corset]

I like the ellipses personally felt I was chasing along the brook every three feet or so to pull up and see how far away the flower is getting away from me, its a fantastic metaphor. I personally enjoyed this very much as is.

[C.T. Bailey]

Splendid. I viewed the brook as a metaphor for life. Life seems to carry us down uncertain paths...not yielding to our desires. Very nice.

[Michael]

I understand what you are saying about the ellipses - but I wanted to convey the sense that the flower was slipping away. I need a way to suggest that we keep catching up to the flower, and then it floats farther along the brook.

Line after line won't give this feeling. Any suggestions?