confusion

 being alone

not what i planned

i never wanted to be this way

maybe someday it will change

maybe not

i can always hope though

its just about the only thing i have left

everything else turned against me

now when an emotion f***s you over

like happiness

or joy

you know your screwed 

whatever

i mean

i guess ill always be this way

im gonna stop

so i can pray

for this damn headache to go away

-

well  i gave up

not much remorse from the almighty "god"

just a figure of my imagination

and all other so called "christians" around me

 

i have to stop hoping

praying

i am just an ant

and god is a playful child

we are all trapped

 

help us all

forget the pain

cut it off

god is fake

dont feed me lies

i need help

i know

nothing more

i can do

help....

-

i have come to a conclusion

i understand now

god never loved me,

he never loved you

he couldnt have

for he isnt there

 

all the hypocrites

piss me off

though at times

i am the same

but

if you were to ask

i would tell you the truth

god isnt real

he is only a lie

 

dont fake his words

to impress others

you will only cause more pain

 

ive prayed before

hoping to recieve the response

they speak of

but ive noticed

i only sit alone

in silence

 

i wish i could have 

that happy glow

the joyful smile

great "god" lovers have

but i dont

for i know the truth

i only understand

or am i just confused

 

if satan is real

so is god

but do i really belive

in either

 

my hate feels lost

i only feel confusion

 

i wish to hear the words

to drop off my pain

 

as i read over my words

i see a change

a change in heart

but not in thought

though it makes no sense to you

all the words come together for me

more like an essay of confusion

then a poem of hate

 

bring me out of pain and back into reality

 

i need a helping hand

i need anyone

anything

that can answer my questions

 

i want to believe

 

they all look happy

why cant that be me

 

show me a sign

just show me the truth

let me put my hands in your wrists

let me touch your side

i need a vision

i need to see

to believe

Author's Note

probably really confusing. i wrote this over a few days so the mood changes a lot

Reviews

[Fra/c/ture]

i think you do a really nice job of exposing the waffling that goes on for most people in terms of faith. and if you think for a minute that even the most devout dont sometimes doubt their faith, youre wrong.

if this is meant to be simply an exploratory surgery of feelings then i think you should leave it as is. its obvious its written spur of the moment and thats fine. if this makes sense, its confusion is perfectly clear. the train of thought is easy to follow, even when it derails.

if this is meant to be a genuine pleading for help and hope, then i would say this:
faith in a higher power isnt on-demand tv. even though you may pray for something, that does not mean it will happen, and that certainly does not mean god is not present because he doesnt heed your request. when searching for something higher than yourself to have faith in, i think its important to not necessarily pray for outcomes--like a new car, or a better boyfriend, or good grades--but its more important to pray for intangibles--strength, more faith, wisdom, patience--things you can use to get what you need on your own.

[The Mad Prophet]

By the way this poem is awsome. I am Pagan, one belief is that if you worship god your worshiping Satan. Based on idolizing both. I see what you mean though, you are loosing yourself as you open your conscience to the truth. Don't get discourage, don't back down, and keep your eyes open. If you need some insight, I am here, and I have many philosophic views to share.

[Jo Anna Bella]

Your title is perfect for the emotion you're conveying. Wow, I feel like a witness to a purge. I feel stronger to, somehow, because in reading your piece, I 'emoted' thoughts I never thought to write. Kudos.