Depression? Or life?

It's about my everyday thoughts of my life.

Depression?
As I lay here pillows soaking wet not because of tears because of the blood from my eyes. I took one last look in the mirror above my bed and asked myself with a small grin "Am I pretty yet?" I knew the answer was no. So I lay back in the puddle of blood on my pillow case as if nothing was there. I close my eyes and imagine what life would be like if I were back home back home were I started off where my grandma Sara page lives. I bets she happy. But I can't seem I stay asleep for to much longer as I cry aloud asking why can't I be perfect why can't life be perfect for me? I tried so hard to fit in and fount out I was just left out.is this life made for me? Is this my last chance to live? I'm not questioning you god but are you sure you placed me in the right life? As I ask for a sign that this is the life I was made for. I don't know what the sign is so I can't confirm if this is where I'm suppose to be. I feel like every night is my last breath, every step I take will never be right, every word I smile I faked was another tear I was hiding. Everybody ask am I ok. I said yes so they could get away. I walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror I'm now convinced this isn't my life can I be made over again with a body full of sins I know this isn't what god wants in his heavens up above. Even though he made me a certain way I went off and became something different maybe one day I'll be accepted for me until then I'll pretend to be happy just like everyone thinks I am.

Author's Note

Ignore the grammar I was writing with an eye full of tears, but what do you think?