lightning tanka

Tanka - an exercise in my learning to write tanka. Comments most welcome

lightning
flashes white silence
in quiet dreams
the moist scent of rain
awakens

 

this version does not correctly reflect the short/long/short/long/long form of English Tanka

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lightning

flashes white silence

in dreams

the moist scent of rain

anchors drifting souls

 

this version has the form, but moist and drifting are redondant and do no enhancement

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lightning

flashes white silence

in my dreams

the scent of rain

anchoring souls

 

this has been personalize with "my", but the last line is unpleasingly abstract

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lightning

flashes white silence

in my dreams

the scent of rain

soul refreshing

 

this is my final version, the pivot line "in my dreams" seems to work seperately with the the first two and the last two lines, creating what could be two seperate haiku

Author's Note

Review as you will. Thank you

Reviews

[Becca]

I have seen tankas but never tried one myself.
This is very interesting to watch the development and a great idea for those who are new.
Enjoyable picture you created.

[Ari]

I really like seeing the changes that you have made here. It is a valuable learning tool for others to see the poem as it grows and changes. I would love to see more poetry in this fashion, so that I can see someone else's method of refining their work.

Also, the poem is very visual, which I enjoyed.

[Legion]

Never written a tanka before. I like it. Very vivid with a hint of a dream like quality. Very good.