Home Birth..

Natural childbirth at home ? Ok, if that's what you want, honey.

I'm writing about home birth. It is a short story about a nightmare/miracle that occurred thirty yrs ago. I'm old school. I think a man should be pacing back and forth with his buddy,smoking a cigarette, with his wife surrounded by 200 hundred doctors and nurses,all specialized in baby births,and keeping the father informed minute by minute.

 

 

 But, my wife, she wanted to have our first born natural,on the floor of our home,with just midwifes and maybe a doctor, if needed. I eventually gave in. I even agreed to go to home birthing classes. I remember the first class. All the midwifes looked the same,like they just stepped off the Santa Maria. They all looked like pilgrams: no makeup,no lipstick,all wearing dresses made of linen and all with their hair tied back and held by a rubber band.

 

All the guys looked like I thought I should have looked. They all wore desert boots,had ponytails,sat crossed legged like Indians,and all seemed to be...humm,how do I put this...gentle and sensitive. I know I loved my wife as much and probably more than any of them,I just wasn't sold on this having my baby born in my house.

I am not a hand holder. All the other couples were so outwardly affectionate, it left me feeling a bit out of place. Sue was transfixed to every word the midwife said. I pretended to be 100% behind this idea of home birth. Truthfully, I never felt comfortable at any of these classes.

 

 

 

Still, I feigned interest,until a midwife said something that made me feel like I had entered another world. It was a simple question. No-one but me seemed to show any response. The question was asked with such casualness that it took me a few seconds for it to register.

 

"Have any of you thought what you'd like to do with your placenta?" The mid wife asked, like she was asking where we parked our car.

 

What?????????????. I confess it never entered my mind,but how many options do you have??

I remember putting an elbow into Sue's rib. I leaned over,trying not to look horrified.

 

"What the hell have you got me into here?" I whispered. My mind raced to come up with a practical, non offensive disposable plan.

Bag it up...double bag it,triple bag it,put it in the garbage can...put a cement block on it, make sure the lid is sealed properly...right ? And then she said it.

 

"Some people bury theirs and then plant trees or plants over them."she said, matter of factly.

"Personally, Tom and I put ours in the freezer,then ate it,later." "We used garlic and butter." Remember the placenta has the highest content of protein of any food you can eat."

 

I knew I was in the midst of a cult,maybe cannibals,maybe even vampires. Yet,all this time Sue sat calmly listening.

 

Ok,screw this. I said to myself. I didn't bargain for this. I didn't care if the placenta was made of solid gold. It wasn't finding it's way to any skillet in my house. I stared at Sue who finally showed some concern. The other couples listened and acted as if none of their senses were shocked. Sue leaned over and tried to calm me.

 

 

"Honey,the tree idea would be kind of a neat idea." Sue said, trying to calm me.

 

I felt like I needed a wooden cross,a silver bullet,a mirror,a garlic necklace,some wolf bane,anything to protect us.

Somehow, when the class was over I shuffled Sue to the parking lot, and we both busted out laughing.

 

"I can't do this,honey" seriously." Did the mid wife drive up in a hearse ?" I asked, laughing.

Somehow, Sue convinced me that was the only thing she thought odd.

 

On Nov the 4th, 1981 Sue began her labor. We called the ghoul, I'm sorry, the mid-wife, she said she'd be there in about an hour. No doctor was called. The whole neighborhood knew what we were doing. They lined the fence in the back yard. People were ringing the doorbell to check on her. Sue's mom was there,her sister and brother. When Sue's mom get's nervous, she cleans. I had the cleanest kitchen in the world.

 

I was set. I knew exactly what my job was. I had frozen the orange juice and broke it into little chips. This was for my wife when her mouth got dry. I heard the mid-wife say 6 cm. I had no idea what that meant. So,basically my job was to keep the neighbors informed. They all wanted to know how I was doing,too. Hey,I was great. I was just waiting on Sue to ask me to rub her shoulders. This was a very important task I took seriously.

We can't have any tension. It wasn't long before my name was called.

 

 

"Ray,Sue needs her shoulders massaged." The mid-wife instructed me.

 

I rushed in,took my place behind her. She was on the floor leaning back against the couch.I was ready. I was pumped. Maybe I was too pumped.

 

"RAY!!!" Stop it!! Your hands are too rough." The mid-wife pretty much knocked me off the couch and took my place.

 

"Oh yes, that's so much better." Sue sighed.

 

I admit I was a little pissed,because I really thought she would like a deep tissue massage. Oh well,I had the orange chips. How could I screw that up?

I decided to take matters in my own hands. This was my baby,too. I grabbed the colander filled with frozen orange chips and put it in front of her to wet her mouth. She immediately threw up at the site of frozen orange chips. The mid-wife shooed me away.

 

"Damn it".."This is what you told me was my job!!" I said, under my breath.

 

I stormed outside and lit a cigarette. How's Sue ?" "Is she close?" I was turned into a messenger boy.
"I think we're getting close." I said,clueless.

Just then I got the call from the midwife.

 

"Ray,get in here,"She's crowning."

 

"Crowning ?"

This sounds important. I ran in not knowing what I was going to see. Hell,she may have a Tiara sprouting from her head. Instead I saw what looked like the top of a head. I turned into a cheer leader.

"Come on,Honey" I see something coming, I think it's our baby!!!" It was then the doctor came walking in. Perfect timing.

 

"Push,Push,harder..push harder. In one split second something came out. Sue shouted,

"What's he look like,honey?"

 

"It looks like a baby head" I replied. She felt the release and thought our son was out. The doctor instructed me to slide my finger gently under his armpit and tug slowly. Sue was still unaware our baby wasn't out,yet.

"Ray,what's he look like?" Stumped for an accurate description,I blurted out.

 

 

"Honey,we got us a baby head. We can roll it around to our friends" "We could play pitch and catch." Sue was in no mood for humor. Then,like a mystical undefinable act of God,my son slid out. I don't care what anyone try's to tell you, a new born baby looks like a bird. But,omigod what a breathtakingly beautiful baby bird. I broke down like a baby. I was crying so hard when I placed the baby on Sue's stomach.

I had to run outside and tell our neighbors that still lined the fence.

 

"We have our baby son." I tried to say through my tears. There is no other experience in life that compares to watching the birth of your child. If you're a man, to be the first one to touch your son can never be explained. I went back in. Everyone was crying. I also found out I had one more act to perform....the bellybutton. I did NOT want to do this. What if I screwed up ?

 

I've seen some pretty gross belly buttons. The doctor gave me the scissors and told me where to cut. All I could think of was messing up.

What if it looks like a penis ? He'll never forgive me. He'll be a freak of nature.

 

I cut the cord. I layed my head on Sue's stomach. I've never seen her so happy. He was born at 5 PM. They stayed up almost all night. I was in bed by 6:30 PM. I couldn't handle another second. I was worn out.

 

Oh..the placenta?

 

Triple bagged and put in an airtight trash can. I remember excusing myself to lay down. No-one seemed to care. They had someone else to keep them occupied. I remember feeling so exhausted as my head hit the pillow.

 

I was no-longer Ray the husband. I helped create a life. I was a father. When we woke up we would be parents. I would forever be a dad, and Sue, a mother. Life would never be the same. Watching and being the first hand to touch my son was a miracle. Surviving the teen years was also a miracle. 

 

 

 

 

(C)     "Copyright 1/11/2007 by Ray Neighbor"

Reviews

[Angel Bird]

What a wonderful write. It made me laugh and smile so much, ... and moistened my eyes in the end.
The part with the Placenta is priceless!!!

Yes the most intensive experience in life is the birth of our children. I think nothing can compare with that.

Rain - you are a highly gifted man. I so love your writing style!

Thanks so much for making my time so worthwhile with this awesome story.

[George Love]

I love it! I've delivered 20 babies int the field as a paramedic and I've helped with a few midwife deliveries. This is a very warm, albeit rather humorous descrition of the miracle of birth! Well done!

[Blackbirdsong]

I must say I'm quite disappointed that you didn't eat the placenta Rain...all that protein gone to waste...LMAO Seriously who comes up with those ideas? This was the perfect story. It made me laugh, it made me cry and it made me feel all warm and cozy inside. As always I love the conversational tone of your writing. It reads like you're sitting here telling a story. Great work. :)

[ah]

This is my favorite writing I've read on this site. I have never laughed so hard while reading anything in my life. You painted the home-birthing class so extraordinarily well. This WHOLE writing is FILLED with humor. I laughed to whole way through. You also paint the picture of how much your baby means to you. This is by far my favorite read. Thank you VERY much. I forgot to say that I am sharing this with everyone I know.

[G]

Maybe I am a coldfish, maybe I am missing a heart. I am a father to but this is your first that I feel nothing. I know, I like most of your writes I haven't read them all, I don't know why, I was in the delivery room for my daughter, so I understand I just don't feel. I still like your writing but I just had to comment , no I didn't have to I wanted to. I know your going to stay up all night worrying....lol

[Aspiring Angel]

I know I am rummaging through your site and your life and loving every single minute of it! What a wonderful story of the birth of you first born. I got to hand it to you especially for agreeing to home birth. I a sure at the time of your Son's birth it was not a common practice. What a wonderful memory for the two of you to share for the rest of your lives. Fantastic as always.

Hugs,
Lesa

[Dave "Doc" Rogers]

I liked it, Ray. The editors can always clean up the formatting and punctuation issues, but the story telling ... well, that is all yours. Another fine story and moment of your life relived. Well done, my friend!

Cheers!
Doc.

[John Stussy]

"Honey,we got us a baby head. We can roll it around to our friends" I was laughing so hard when i read this! Oh my god this was as touching a story as it was funny. Kind of makes me want to be a dad someday.

[Phantasmagoric Percepti..]

Oh my God Rain i seriously was laughing my a*s off the entire time I was reading this.

AMAZING.

You made my day. :D

[Debra Stevens Edwards (..]

What a great experince for you. I had natural with all seven of mine. I just really don't like my husband in the room as he would watch the monitor and tell me when I was having a contraction.LOL. A little irritating after a while. Once again great work.
Hugs Debby

[PoemRodent]

Very well presented and with great flow thanks for the story...