Plaything

This piece was for my short story class at university and has been revised from its original draft. Hope you enjoy

Observation: “When I arrived to the residence all the entryways were opened and upon inspection there was no sign of B&E. I called out for both Mr. and Mrs. Nakano, when I got no response, I entered the building.” Officer Roberts’ voice was strained, and then he paused extensively during the debriefing staring off to nothingness, it was only when he was pressed by fellow officers did, he continue. “I should’ve left that place then and there. Everything in my body was screaming at me to leave, to not go in that house, but I didn’t listen. When I entered the residence, I shined my light and the place was in tatters, papers and furniture thrown about like a tornado had swept through. I swear to you, that I heard a little girl giggle, so I called out again, and I heard something move down the hall. When I looked nothing was there, checking the kitchen, the walls had some black liquid oozing off of it. The stuff spelled out something like “Haisha”, then I heard that same giggle, but I saw nothing.” Officer Roberts began to breakdown and sob at this point. “A-an-and then, something tugged at on my pant leg, w-when I looked down something shoved me in my chest. I must’ve landed in some swivel seat, because I started to spin, and that giggling wouldn’t stop! I stood up but couldn’t find my balance and fell into the window, I felt my lips being pulled back. I looked at my reflection and there were two tiny hands, as I noticed the hands starting tearing my lips. I-I tried grabbing them but I just shredded my cheeks, I started bleeding, but then…” Officer Roberts’ sobbing turns into wails and he cradles his head bobbing back and forth. “Something… a finger… move across my face. I felt the warmth of my blood tailing with it, I actually saw something scrunching my face drawing stick figures, I think they were the Nakano’s, then and a big X was drawn through them. I got the message of whatever this thing was and wanted to get the hell out of there. I went for the door but it wouldn’t budge, then I heard that goddamn laughter again. Shining my light down the hall again, I saw it, kneeling among all the debris was a small doll, the laughing was coming from it. Slowly I approached it, the laughter slowly subsiding as I neared it, by the time I picked it up the laughter was gone. It was a glass doll had a ragged red Kimono on and the pain was chipping off of it. A warm then dripped onto my hand, it was blood, my blood. The doll’s eyes then opened and looked at me with those eyes, they looked… they looked so real. I dropped the doll and fell back and, I know it’ll sound crazy but, it spoke to me. I’m telling you that f*****g thing spoke to me! It said I was fun to play with, more fun than the other people,” Roberts didn’t elaborate on who the other people were. “It said it wanted to play hide and seek with me and was going to count from 42. It started counting and a breeze blew through the house kicking up the papers scattered about. The lights flickered, and it felt like the whole house shook. I made a run for the door but it slammed in my face, I tried yanking it open, but something was holding it shut. As I reached the closest window it shuts, and one after the other they all shut, and the laughter starts again getting louder and the breeze picks up. The dolls keep counting its voice becoming distorted between the laughter and something else, something demented. A rubbery ping bounced from a ball that slammed into my face, and I began to be pinched, scratched, shoved. I started crying, frantically reaching for my gun, I could see from my peripherals that the doll had gotten up and was strolling over to me. The giggling and counting were demonic, its stare intensified I could see veins from its eyes oozing bubbling black liquid. I shot the door, I don’t even care if I got in trouble for it, I needed to get out of there, and I ran for my car. Before I left, I saw the doll-no that THING, staring at me it’s eyes followed me when in sped off.” Officer Roberts was desperate to have anyone in the room believe his story begging the individuals to do so.

Psych-Evaluation: After several visits to the psychiatric ward the medical evaluation deemed Officer Roberts is suffering from a severe case of PTSD and stress. The officer had scratches across his face and had skin found under his fingernails. Medical staff claim that the officer spoke in Japanese while he slept, along with possible sounds of childish giggling. These reports are still being tested; Officer Roberts will not be cleared for several months.

Author's Note

Feel free to critique. Just revised after a few more critiques. Also I've just been made aware of what's going on in my comment threads, so any more attacks on other users on my pieces will get you blocked.

Reviews

[Erudite]

It does read like a news article... Not terribly captivating, your words are kind of set down before us on a table.

No offense, but I can't find a drop of passion in this story.

Make it a labor of love. Each word should be a sloppy wet kiss dribbling out your mouth onto the page

[JayG]

Well, you did ask, but this will sting a bit:

This, i'm afraid, isn't a story as the publishing industry views it. It's not a matter of how well it's written, or your talent and potential. It's that like pretty much all hopeful writers—including me, when I began recording my own stories—you're using the writing skills you were given in your grade-school days, and assume that''s what everyone uses.

Problem is, the vast majority of your writing assignments in school were for reports and essays. And after twelve years of that you're pretty good at writing reports and essays, which have as their goal, informing the reader.

Problem is, no one reads fiction to be informed as to the progression of events. The goal of fiction is to involve the reader emotionally, something our teachers never mentioned. So, given that the profession is called Fiction-Writer, and the skill you were given is called writing, you naturally assumed that all you need to write fiction is your existing writing skills, a good story idea, and "natural talent."

If only.

And forget that creative writing class you probably took. Fiction writing is a profession, and no way in hell can reading a chapter on writing fiction, then writing a story that's critiqued by classmates who know no more about writing than you do, teach you even a fraction of what you need to write it.

The short version: This reads like a report because it was written with report writing skills. It's not your fault, and you have LOTS of company, but still, unless you acquire the skills of the working fiction writer, everything you write will read like a report.

The good news is that the library's fiction writing section has lots of books on the subject, and they contain the views of pros in publishing, writing, and teaching. And, if you are meant to be a writer you'll find the learning fun. And if not? Well, you've learned something important. So it's win/win.

I know this was pretty far from what you were hoping to hear, but I thought you'd want to know.

[Ricky]

Thank you for your input, how do you think that I can improve upon my writing? I know you mentioned the books from the library but I am curious on how to improve this piece.

[JayG]

Improve? You're thinking of it it terms of story—the plot. But no one reads fiction for: This happened...then that happened...and here's what you need to know to understand...and after that..."

In a report the narrator is front-and-center, explaining. No one expects to hear emotion in the narrator's voice because s/he's explaining, not emoting.

For example. Were you writing a horror story with your current writing techniques, at the proper time you'd tell the reader that the protagonist is feeling terror. But when you read such a story, do you want to know that information, or do you want the writer to terrorize YOU, and make YOU afraid to turn out the lights? Hear about the story or be made to live it?

The only way to invite the reader in is to make that reader know the situation as-the-protagonist-does, emotionally. And none of the writing skills we're taught in our school days is capable of that.

Bear in mind that only you can hear emotion in the narrator's voice, because only you know how you want it read. The reader has only what the words suggest based on THEIR understanding of the word-meaning, not the meaning you intend them to take.

Take a simple line like, "John, you truly are a b*****d." How did you read it? As high praise? Deadly insult? How about a doctor giving John a DNA report result? It could be any of them, depending how the words were spoken and the visual clues a speaker will give. But on the page?

1. Zack shook his head, a smile playing at his lips as he said, "John, you truly are a b*****d."
2. Cal studied the man standing in the doorway—the defiler of children, and the reason for his missing leg—before he said, "John, you truly are a b*****d."

In both cases the reader knows how the line was spoken because they know the emotional state of the speaker. And of more importance, think about yourself as you read the two examples. You probably reacted emotionally to the lines, and created a personal view of John based on the words and what they implied. Were you to read either line as part of a story, you would have been given reason to want to know how John responds. But without evoking that emotion in a reader, it's data, and no more interesting than any other report.

So it's not a matter of improving the story, it's presenting it in a way that makes the reader care, and NEED to know what happens next. Without that a reader won't turn to page two, or three, or.... And given that at the moment you don't have the tools needed to hook the reader that way, you need to have a better understanding of the reader's expectations in order to fulfill them.

Not good news, I know. But it's what we all face.

Remember, we're talking about a profession, and all professions have specialized knowledge and tricks of the trade. So even if the one using those skills is doing so as a hobby, they need to acquire some level of professional knowledge.

How much time did your teachers spend on how to handle dialog and tags? How about what a scene is on the page, and the elements that make it up? None, right? But if we don't know what a scene is, and the elements that make it up, how can we write one?

Forget plot as being the most important thing. Plots are easy. Take the plot of your story as an example. Give it to the most famous writer in that genre today and you'll be turning the pages of that story when you should be going to bed. But give one of that writers plots to you and it will be rejected. Not because of talent, but knowledge. And that's fixable. As my favorite Mark Twain quote says, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

Want to find out if you have talent in that direction? It's pretty easy to do. If are meant to write you'll enjoy learning the skills fiction-writers need. And if you don't, well, you've learned something important. So, win/win, right?

Try this: Take a look at a few of the articles in my writing blog.
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Most were done for one of my publisher's newsletter, and aimed at the hopeful writer, to give them an idea of the breadth of what a writer needs to create fiction that sings to a reader.

If that seems like knowing more about, take a look at the article I link to below, a condensation of one way of placing the reader into the story as an active partner of our protagonist. Used well, if someone throws a rock at the protagonist the reader will duck.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

Chew on the article till it makes sense. And in the end, if it seems like something you want to know more about, pick up a copy of James Scott Bell's, Elements of Fiction Writing. It won't make a pro of you, but it will give you the tools with which to become one, if it's in you.

But whatever you do, don't be discouraged. Writing isn't a destination. It's a journey; one that lasts a lifetime; one we each progress at our own pace.

[JayG]

Let me see if I have this straight: Someone who has sold not a word of his writing, who doesn't write fiction, who knows nothing significant about me, and who didn't have the sense to comment on the writing posted in this thread and help the writer, attacks me for doing what he didn't: responding to someone who ASKED for comment.

Those who can, do. Those who can't sit around bitching about it, I guess.

It would seem to be more effective to demonstrate superior knowledge of writing by commenting on the writing, to help the one seeking comment and show me how it's done.

[JayG]

You obviously have me confused with someone who cares what you think.

And why should I? You invaded someone else's thread to play troll, and didn't have the courtesy to respond to the thread owner's request for comment. Instead, you're here to complain about someone who tries to help those who ask for it.

[JayG]

Still at it, hijacking someone else's thread for your own purpose, I see.

• The main difference between you and me as that I know what I am and you're still pretending to be something you're not.

Naaa. The main difference is that I'm passing on the advice of writing pros, like Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, Sol Stein, and a host of others. You're attacking the messenger. Why? As you put it, "I'm here for my personal entertainment."

[JayG]

• I do what entertains me.

Which in this case, means making an a*s of yourself by invading another member's thread to attack a third party, personally. That's pretty much the definition of a troll.

And you STILL haven't given the thread-owner the benefit of your great understanding of how to write.

So...you hide behind an alias to protect yourself. You attack people who can do what you can't.

That's sad.

[Davidgeo]

I'm not that concerned with how people view me. If they think I'm an a*s that's just fine with me, my self worth isn't tied to what complete strangers think of me like yours is. Are you really this stupid to not see what I'm doing to you? It's so easy with you. You are basically making fun of yourself without realizing it and it's pretty hilarious to me.

[JayG]

I see what you're doing. I've dealt with lots of trolls over the years. You're not particularly good at it.

[Davidgeo]

You only see what I'm doing because I told you I was doing it. You fall for this every time... this is not the first, second, third or even fourth time I've trolled you into the same exact responses. I like to use your over inflated ego and incredibly thin skin to make me laugh. Ever hear of the phrase "sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken"? You're not a real writer anymore than I'm a real poet. That your unjustified ego makes you incapable of seeing that is of great entertainment to me.

[Ralph Proenza (Docralph)]

To JayG: ignore the sad trolls in need of therapy and medication!

[Davidgeo]

Isn't it unethical for a medical professional to diagnose someone without having direct interaction with them? You must've just been an orderly if you don't reflexively already know that.

[JayG]

• Isn't it unethical for a medical professional to diagnose someone without having direct interaction with them?

Poor guy. Someone disagreed with his views and he can't handle it, and so, lashes out...in the thread he hijacked to attack me. Will you now follow

Kid, haven't you noticed? It's not working. You're following me around. You're reacting to my words, not the other way around. And NO ONE is supporting you, or playing your game. You're lashing out at anything that moves, insulting someone you know nothing about, simply because he disagreed with your viewpoint, painting yourself into a corner for no purpose.

I don't take this crap seriously, Others don't either. so the only one responding to the flame-war you're trying to start is you. And that's silly.

Go have a beer and watch some porn. You'll feel better in the morning.

[Davidgeo]

That doesn't make sense Jay. It's standard practice for medical professionals... you don't diagnose a patient without first talking to said patient. And stop pretending you "don't take this crap seriously". That's your biggest flaw... pretending to be something that is objectively false. When you figure that out I'll take you seriously. Until then, you will continue to be just another bad joke that's fun to play with. I really wish you had the self awareness to see that on your own.

[JayG]

• That doesn't make sense Jay. It's standard practice for medical professionals.

Sorry, but the subject is your hijacking someone else's thread to to play troll. And every time, you respond, it's to what I say, so you're dancing to my tune. But i sleep better knowing that you gnashing their teeth and trying to get to me.

You say you do this in a public forum for your own pleasure. But you know what they say about people who pleasure themselves in public.

[Davidgeo]

You take this s**t way too seriously. That's the real subject and why it's so much fun to play with you. I don't care if you call me a troll, I call myself that. Hijacking someone else's thread? Yup, so what? I thought you didn't care what I said or thought or did? hahahaha.

[Erudite]

This guy told me nearly the exact same things on one of my short stories.

Let your heart lead your pen, and look at the writing styles of the greats for guidance/advice.

I feel like if i listened to this guy, I'd lose my voice and just follow these 'fiction writing maxims'

Anyway, haven't read this piece yet. I'll leave a review when i do lol

[JayG]

• This guy told me nearly the exact same things on one of my short stories.

And as I remember it, your response was: "I needed this. Thank you very much. As much as it hurts to see my work critiqued so harshly, I have to admit you've made valid points."

And of course I pointed out the same kind of things in this story as in yours. Same problem/same advice, of course. Given that at that point you were still using the nonfiction skills we're given in grade-school school, and had studied none of the professional skills mandated by our medium and our mission, you were making the same errors as everyone does—myself included, when I began. Does a teacher change the syllabus for every class? No, because the basics are the basics.

• I feel like if i listened to this guy, I'd lose my voice and just follow these 'fiction writing maxims'

So...using the writing skills your first grade teachers provided is good and proper, but following those a professional teacher of fiction-writing, like those in the books I suggested, would somehow "kill your voice?" Does that really make sense to you? Does trying to practice a profession for which universities offer four year majors, with NONE of the knowledge that an education in the professional techniques required make sense to you as a better path to success?

If you're writing for yourself, of course you can write in any way you care to. But if you hope to impress the buyer in the bookstore, or an acquiring editor, it just might make sense to learn a few of the techniques of fiction, because the report-writing techniques we're given in our schooldays don't work for fiction.

As evidence, were your current "voice," as enticing as you hope, wouldn't the story I critiqued have garnered at least one comment?

And in any case, given that the only "advice" I gave you was to check out what the pros say, I'm not sure you can say that following the advice of the pros of the industry would ruin your voice, given that the advice worked for them and their students. That Swain book I suggested you look for has 200+ five star reviews on Amazon, one of them from a past president of SFWA, and more than one or two pros, So I doubt that reading it would permanently scar you.

[Davidgeo]

…. way too seriously

[Ralph Proenza (Docralph)]

TO JayG: Swain's book is on it's way to my mailbox. Thanks for the advice.

[Ricky]

Listen everyone I'm thankful that many here initially were here to either critique my work or defend it from what they thought was harmful advice. But from this point out anymore attacks to the character of other users will get you blocked. So i hope you got it all out of your system because it's over.

[Ralph Proenza (Docralph)]

(Thank you, Ricky!)

[Erudite]

You did make a few good points, But I've been reading j.r.r. tolkien and he would've suffered much of your same criticism.

Exposition too early in the story?
Impossible. The readers need to know what they're reading about.

But i will give you credit that you showed me the importance of emphasizing the character's inner world and having them be an avatar for the reader

[JayG]

• But I've been reading j.r.r. tolkien and he would've suffered much of your same criticism.

Tolkin wrote in the style of the time. Today, his work would be rejected on the first page. And even at the time, he took a lot of heat because of his long-winder interjections. I read Lord of the Rings when it was current, and the only way I was able to get through it was to skim through the endless till I came to a point where he got offstage and the characters could go back to living the story. exposition
• The readers need to know what they're reading about.

At the moment you're thinking in terms of, and writing with, the writing techniques we all learn in school. But fiction readers aren't seeking the informational experience such an approach provides. What they want is what matters to the protagonist in the moment s/he calls "now." Story happens, it's not talked about, or reported by a narrator who's voice can't be heard, and whose performance can't be seen.

For example: You open with the word “Observation,” and immediately present a report, fact-based and author-centric. But:

1. Where are we in time and space? We don’t know. So the reader lacks setting to picture the scene.
2. Who are we, and what motivated this person moved to tell us this? We don’t know. As it’s being read, and because the reader lacks context, this could be taking place in modern day Formosa, Ancient Athens, Contemporary US, or on Mars a century from now. You know. The people in the story know. But the reader trying to make sense of this? Not a clue. But aren’t the readers the one you wrote this for?
3. What’s going on that matters? At this point, and as they read, and unlike you, the reader has zero knowledge that would make the words meaningful.

So while we have information, it lacks context. Paragraph one appears to be a report, but by whom? And why does the info-dump of data matter to the reader who lacks the three points above? Yes, we can figure out what’s going on. But you’ve given the reader no reason to WANT to. And if they stop reading before page one ends, or are not made to WANT to turn to page two, who cares how good the STORY is? They’ll never see it. Better to focus on story with a lower case “s.” That’s concerned with what matters to the protagonist in their moment of “now,” not the big picture of plot events.

Since you know all that necessary information as you read your own story, you won’t be troubled by, or ask the questions a reader will. But look at a line or two as someone who doesn’t possess your foreknowledge must:

• I shined my light and the place was in tatters, papers and furniture thrown about like a tornado had swept through.

1. It’s a house, but what kind, and in what country? Why is this person there? That matters a LOT to how the reader takes it. Without that, can we generate a mental picture?
2. Shined a light? Why didn’t they simply turn on the light switch? Wouldn’t you? And if that didn’t work, wouldn’t you have mentioned that? This line would make a lot more sense if we knew why this person felt it necessary to enter the house, and why they were alone.
3. If this person is a police officer, why didn’t they call for backup? That’s strict safety protocol, given the situation described. At minimum, they would have called in about the unusual situation as soon as they saw the damage. Put yourself in their position. You see a trashed house, with no lights on, and presumably, no power. You don’t know what happened, or if whatever did it is gone. Would you just wander in, not even drawing a weapon? Hell no. So how can it seem real if the officer does something that stupid?

My point is that you’re constructing this story from the outside in, and assigning the character their behavior rather than having them live it as a real person would, reacting to the situation as a living, and competent officer would.

And to understand, and have context, shouldn’t we know WHY the officer is entering the house—how they knew there was a problem? You know all the background, so this makes sense to you as you read. For you, every line acts as a pointer to images, memories, and story that lives in your mind. But the reader has only their knowledge of police procedures and what your words suggest, based on their background, not your intent. For them, every line acts as a pointer to images, memories, and story that lives in YOUR mind.

• Officer Roberts’ voice was strained

You open by saying that what follows is an “observation.” But here, we change viewpoint, and an unknown someone-else makes an observation. Where in the hell did they come from? And is all this THEIR observation? No way for the reader to tell, but it matters. And shouldn’t having an unknown narrator comment on their action make them ask who that narrator is, and what they’re doing there? How can things seem real if there’s someone on stage talking about the characters living the story. For what I mean, and a laugh or two) try this short film:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=TXfltmzRG-g

But of more importance, why is there no paragraph break for a change of speakers? Why are there no paragraph breaks anywhere? As you read this, you know where to hesitate to indicate a change. The reader doesn’t. You know the emotion, the inflection and the changes in intensity and cadence that the story requires. The reader doesn’t. Nor can they see that little head-shake the narrator gives to show THEIR reaction…or the narrator’s expression changes…or their gestures…or their body-language…or…

My point? You’re providing data, but not context. You’re informing the reader—making a report. But you’re not making the reader WANT the information you’re giving them. You’re not making the reader FEEL what the officer does because we’re not with the officer as he or she lives it, we’re hearing about it, second-hand.

Bottom line: it’s not a story, as publishers, and their customer, the reader, see it. We don’t read fiction for information on what happened, remember. Do you read a horror story to learn of the things that scare the protagonist? Or do you want the author to scare the crap out of YOU? Information, or emotion? Which brings you to fiction? And if emotion, to learn about it or to be made to feel the emotion the protagonist does, for the same reason

The problem you face is that nothing in our schooldays prepared us for anything but writing nonfiction. The school you attend probably offers majors in commercial fiction-writing.

And that makes sense. Since you learned to read, you, and everyone you know, have been reading almost nothing but professionally written and polished fiction. You don’t recognize the decision-making points the author faced, or the techniques they employed, but you did react to their use. As Sol Stein observed, “Readers don’t notice point-of-view errors. They simply sense that the writing is bad.” But as a writer, if you don’t recognize and fix those POV errors, the reader will notice, and turn away, even if they can’t name the problem.

But my point is that it’s not your fault that no one tells us that fiction is a profession that must be learned, in addition to the Three R’s we get on school. So it’s not a matter of good or bad writing, or talent. It’s that if you want to write fiction, you need more than the nonfiction skills we graduate high school with. And as I said in my original critique, the solution is pretty simple. Add a few of the skills the pros take for granted and there you are.

Sorry this was so long. What can I say, other than that I write novels, so I can't say hello in less than 10,000 words. 🙄