Elven Ch. 1

In which we meet Gillian and Tegan and their story begins.

Gillian looked out the west facing window of the tower. The sun was slowly disappearing behind the mountain tops. The sun shot gold beams across the sky. The air was cool and smelt like pine and fresh rain. Gill breathed it all in. She stared at the suns slowly fading glow until her eyes hurt. She followed each beam with her eyes and tried to soak it all in. Nights were long and lonely in the tower. She often laid awake frightened of being found, straining her ears to hear and identify each sound. Listening for horses or wagons. She followed one beam of light that cut through the trees just right so it hit just to the edge of the wide clearing that circled the tower. The clearing was surrounded by tall thick pines. As Gill watched the beam of light she saw something move in the trees. She immediately ducked down so only her eyes were peaking over the edge. She reached down for her bow. Her aunt had just left yesterday and wasn't expected to return for at least a week. What if it was the council? She strung an arrow. Just then, a figure stepped out slowly from the trees. It was obviously a woman, her curves showed even through her boyish hunters clothing and the thick cloak that covered her head. A bow was strung on her back but she did not seem ready to attack. She moved slowly, examining the base of the tower. Gill watched as she slowly looked up. The girls hood fell back, showing shining brown hair tied back with a strap. Her aura was a fantastic bright green.

"Hello?" The girl said. Gill jumped, she hadn't realized she had stood up to look more closely. She quickly got to the side of the window where she could not be seen.

"My name is Tegan, miss." the girl called. "I came upon here by accident while on a hunting trip. I mean you no harm."

"What do you know of the council?" Gill called out, still staying hidden. There was a silence and then Tegan said,

 "They burned my village and killed my brother, my only family. I wish them all dead." Gill could not doubt the seriousness and passion in her voice. Gill stood before the window with her bow aimed at the girl.

 "No one is to know about this tower, especially the council. If you wish the council dead you will leave now and tell no one of this place."

Tegan didn’t know what to make of this. This strange tower in the middle of nowhere. She wasn’t even sure if she was seeing what she was seeing. The closer she looked at the tower the less it really seemed to be there. But the young lady was definitely there. She was aiming right for her. Though her stance and technique looked inexperienced, the sureness in the girl’s voice and the confidence with which she held the bow made Tegan certain that if the girl wished it, she’d be dead in a second.

 Suddenly Tegan’s mind went fuzzy, or is it that it finally cleared? The world was wiped away and she saw a woman standing in front of her in a dark blue cloak with intricate gold embroidery that seemed to swirl around the fabric. The woman drew back her hood to reveal her beautiful face and long brown hair tied back tightly in a braid. She looked at Tegan intently and said slowly in a musical hypnotic voice, “Her name is Gillian. She needs your help. Protect her.” The images suddenly disappeared and Tegan was back to the circular meadow and the tower. The girl was still standing aimed to shoot.

“Gillian?” Tegan heard herself asking. The girl stiffened.

“How do you know that name?” The girl demanded. She dropped her bow slightly.

“I don’t know.” Tegan said softly, too soft, she thought, for the girl to hear.

“What do you know?” Gillian was getting concerned. This Tegan seemed to be against the council but she also somehow knew her name. It could be risky to let her leave without first ensuring that she won’t go telling her whereabouts or of the strange tower in the forest. How did she find it anyway?

“I am confused and in need of food and rest.” Tegan answered slowly. Gillian nodded.

“Come and rest in the tower weary traveller.” Gill answered and then disappeared from the window. Tegan started to circle the tower, looking for a door. She didn’t see any. She got back around to the west side and saw that a rope had been dropped from the window. Was she expected to climb up? She was already so tired. But she was intrigued by the mysterious tower and the strange vision, so she made sure the rope could hold her weight and then started to climb. By the time she got to the top, Tegan was dripping with sweat and her limbs were weak and shaking. She hoped quickly that this girl no longer intended to kill her. Tegan climbed over the window ledge and collapsed on the floor of the tower. It was one large circular room. A few small lanterns were lit to supply light for the coming night. It was obvious more lanterns were not lit as to not call attention to the tower in the darkness. There was a small bed covered in a multitude of colourful pillows and quilts. The bleak stone walls were coming alive with the most beautiful tapestries, paintings and quilts that Tegan had ever seen. She couldn’t take her eyes away from the intricate images and patterns. There were elaborate scenes of meadows with animals and flowers, villages not unlike her own filled with people going about their daily routines, dances and celebrations, breathtaking landscapes and some just filled with mesmerizing colours in various shapes and patterns.

When she finally tore her eyes away from the beautiful art that lined the walls of the tower, she noticed a loom and other tools that must be used for making these creations, but little else except for a chair or two and a table piled high with parchment and inks. The young woman finally caught Tegan’s eye. She was a tiny woman, she could look like a young girl if not for the way she carried herself and the obvious knowledge in her eyes. She was small and slight with long dark brown hair tied in tiny intricate braids. She was dressed simply but in obviously quality clothing. She walked past Tegan cautiously to the window she had just climbed through and quickly but rather nervously pulled up the rope and set it on the table. Then got a flask and filled it with water from a large bucket. She handed the flask carefully to Tegan and then backed away.

“I’m willing to give you food and shelter for the night,” she said. “But I need you to honestly answer some questions for me. Agreed?”

Tegan nodded. The girl went to another large bucket and pulled out bread, smoked ham and some strange fruit. She put it in cloth and handed it to Tegan. Tegan eagerly started eating.

Gillian just watched the young woman eat. It was strange having someone other than Aunt Lowina in the tower. No one else had ever entered the tower. She had seen Tegan staring in awe at her art and tapestries. It made her both nervous and proud. She needed to get answers from the girl but she was devouring the food like she hadn’t eaten in days. It made sense. There was very little wild game in this area. Gillian decided to let the girl eat before questioning her. When the girl had drank the last of the water, Gillian refilled the flask and then began.

“You said your name is Tegan. That is a strange name. Where are you from? How did you find yourself here?”

“My village was called Kalera. It was in Burman valley. Quite far south from here. When Kalera was destroyed and my brother killed, I and the few survivors made east for the city of Creta.” Gillian nodded. Creta is the nearest large trade city. Aunt Lowina often travelled there to get what Gillian needed in the tower. “I helped an elderly woman make the journey. I hunted for the both of us and carried both our share. In return once we arrived in Creta she invited me to stay with her and her sister who lives there. I had nowhere else to stay so I accepted. I hunted, gathered, cut wood, shopped and anything else they wanted. They were very kind to me and with their small herb selling business, we got by.”

“But how did you end up here? Creta is quite a ways.” Gillian asked. She refused to let herself become interested in the girls story, she needed to remain weary until she knew the girl could be trusted.

“Joanna and her sister, Sherl, fell ill this summer. They were unable to run the shop and sell their herb mixes. Luckily they are on the mend now, they should be better by the coming spring. However, now we have little money and very little to sell this winter, and fewer tradesmen anyways, so unless I went forth and hunted myself, we would not survive the winter. Someone mentioned to me on my way out of town that there was loads of elk this far north. I stupidly listened to them and now here I am, running low on supplies and no meat to get us through the winter.”

“Whoever told you that there was large game here was greatly mistaken. There are many rabbits and small birds and a wolf pack far to the east but very little else.” Gillian knew this very well.

“Growing up in a small village has made me too trusting,” Tegan said quietly. “I should never have listened to that stranger.”

Gillian nodded slowly and looked out the window. Night had fallen. Living in the tower had made her the opposite of Tegan, weary of everything and everyone. No one could be trusted. What was she thinking? Inviting someone in to the tower. How stupid! This girl may have a well-rehearsed story but that did not mean she could be trusted. Gillian had not been around enough auras to be able to tell when a person was lying. And even if it was true, what if the girl told others about the tower with the young girl? She needed to be silenced. She was stupid to invite the girl up and stupid to even listen to her story. Gillian casually put her hands behind her back and reached for the knife she had put in the back fold of her smock. But what was she going to do? Stab the girl? Gillian had never hurt anything before. What if Tegan really was innocent? What if she promised to tell no one? What would Lowina want her to do?

Tegan saw that Gillian was fiddling with something behind her back. She guessed it was a weapon. She started to slowly stand up and back away as Gillian asked her another question.

“So you say your village, Kalera, was destroyed by the coven? How did they destroy it?”

Tegan stepped back and opened her mouth as a high pitched screech pierced the silent night. They both froze and looked up towards the roof where the sound had come from. There was a brief moment of silence. Then the screech again, louder.

Suddenly the air was filled with screeches. Then a crash and a squeal as something tore at the slate roof. The sound of claws scraping was unmistakable. Tegan and Gillian backed into the center of the room, their eyes glued to the ceiling. Tegan unsheathed an arrow and drew her bow. All of a sudden a crash on the west side shook the tower. At that moment, a large claw broke through the ceiling. Gillian screamed and drew her small knife. Another crash at the wall and the stones started to crumble away from the wall. Then more and more crashes. The tower shook. It seemed to rock. Through the window they could only see black shapes moving in the moonlight. With another bang, the corner of the ceiling was torn off. Gillian screamed again as she saw the creatures for the first time. The bony winged creatures were black as night and had long hooked beaks almost the size of their bodies. The beaks and the claws shone white as masses of the creatures tore at the tower. Tegan quickly put her arrow in its sheath and strung the bow over her shoulder. She grabbed the rope that still had an end tied to one of the lamps on the wall. She started to tie the other end to her arrow. Gillian stood shaking in the middle of the room. With another crash, the hole was now big enough for one of the creatures to get through. It tore in to the tower, knocking over lamps which set fire to the tapestries and paintings on the walls. It dove at Gillian who ran under a table. The creature landed on top of it and one of its long thin wings draped over one side. Without thinking, Gillian stabbed her knife into the wing and into a crack between stones. The creature screamed even louder and pulled at the wing, which only made the knife tear through it in a long gash all the way to its claw like hand. Gillian rolled out from the table and ran towards Tegan. Tegan had shot the arrow to the closest pine tree. The tower was trembling now as the creatures crashed and tore at it. More creatures were coming through the hole in the ceiling now. Thinking fast, Tegan tore two strips from her cloak. She took one and put one end in Gillian’s left hand. She put the other over the rope and in Gillian’s right hand.

“Hold on tight!” She said and then pushed Gillian out the window. Gillian went flying down the rope in to the trees. Tegan was just about to go herself when one of the creatures jumped on her back and drove its claws into her arms. Tegan quickly backed herself in to one of the burning tapestries and the creature released her. Tegan then jumped for the rope and started to slide towards the trees when she felt the rope start to slacken. She quickly grabbed the rope tightly as the end in the tower snapped and Tegan swung towards the ground. She hit the ground hard. Her breath left her lungs and her vision clouded. She blinked and Gillian was standing over her, pulling her towards the trees. She was saying something.

“Get up! Hurry! Run!” She screamed.  Tegan looked, the tower was going to collapse on top of them. She got to her feet and ran towards the trees behind Gillian. The ground shook as the stone tower fell and it sent them both to their knees. The sound of stone crashing slowly faded. As did the screeching.

The two girls remained frozen on their knees, trying hard to keep their breathing quiet. Tegan and Gillian strained their ears, the creatures screeching had stopped. The forest night was silent.

“What were those things?” Gillian whispered. She was still frozen on her knees. Living in the tower, she didn’t get to see much, but Lowina gave her many books and told her many stories about the outside world. However, she had never heard of such creatures.

“Skraphl,” Tegan said quietly. Then louder, “Those were Skraphl.”

Gillian looked up and stared at Tegan. She was on her hands and knees. Her fists clenched at the grass beneath her. Gillian noticed the girls change in aura before she noticed the blood. Tegan had changed from a vibrant green to a dark misty jade.  Blood rolled down her arms on to the grass.

“You’re hurt!” Gillian said. She got up on shaky legs and moved towards Tegan who stayed frozen in place. Gillian pulled Tegan in to a sitting position and then examined the wounds. There were six puncture wounds on her arms and shoulders. Three on each. Obviously from the claws of the Skraphl.

“They’re deep.” Gillian said. “Tell me how to bandage them.”

Tegan was quiet for a moment.

“Scraphl claws and beak inject a poison. I’ll be dead in an hour.”

Author's Note

This intro is still missing a few minor things I think. Let me know what you think!

Reviews

[Will]

Hey, just finished reading your story and wanted to say that I really enjoyed it: the world you created is interesting, filled with creative flourishes, neat characters and unfolding of events.

Would you be interested in a critique?

[Will]

Aright, so the descriptions and writing itself works for the most part and will probably continue to change as you see fit when revising. Given this, I’m going to focus on the conceptual parts of story and the questions that were raised for me, the reader.

To start with, I would attempt to really root the reader in the world of the story more. Perhaps start with the main character drawing something, with the description of the tower, and the current situation (along with the beautiful opening of the environment). Once this is established, maybe then have Tegan enter the scene and begin the action. One thing that struck me as the reader was that “things” tended to move very fast: The main character is introduced, then another character comes along, then there is this evil sort of council brought up, then they are attacked by sky beasts, the tower (and a large part of Gill’s life) crumbles, and Tegan is on the brink of death. That’s a lot to digest for 4-5 pages :P

*Another thing that kind of goes along with the above comment is the need to establish the "rules" of your story's universe. You mention Tegan has a "fantastic bright green" aura (which is a neat and interesting component of your world) but it literally comes out of nowhere with no explanation accompanying it. The reader asks themselves, "aura?" and must wait until much later for this concept to be explained.
–This issue I did not have with “the council” however as it seems an important evil that will get explained as the story progresses.

-For me, the description of the vision Tegan has of Gill when they meet is slightly confusing
--I think just because there is a lot of new and unfamiliar information being given to the reader in this section.

-The conversation between Tegan and Gill is interesting and I enjoy seeing some of their personalities beginning to show through.
One thing I'm not sure if I "believe" about Tegan is how she is so open and shares all her vulnerabilities so easily. She calls herself "innocent" and doesn't even hesitate when Gill (a stranger) asks about when her family was killed and how she’s been living.
-Some of the dialogue here doesn't seem natural/organic.
Ex, “Come and rest in the tower weary traveler.”

Regarding the scene with the Scraphl,
-Absolutely loved the claws crashing through the ceiling. It was a really horrifying image, not just the claw itself, but how you kind of leave the reader to imagine the rest of the beast/beasts that the claw belongs to until further in. Cool scene in general.
-A question that was raised here though was, “Why did the Scraphl attack” and more importantly, “why did they stop/leave?”

Overall, a very enjoyable read as I said before. The one biggest piece of advice I can give about this chapter is to just slow things down a little, and focus more on detail as well as the development of the world/characters/current situation. Hope some of this was helpful.

--Will