I hope you remember me, I'm the stranger who made you smile day by day, the one who never got tired of making you happy.
I'm the stranger who took care of you and made sure you're fine everyday, the one who used to call you every night to hear your voice.
I'm the stranger who loved you more than anything, the one who never forgot about our anniversary.
I never wanted you to leave, In fact I did every possible thing to make you stay. We had a connection, a bond, like you're metal and I'm a damn magnet.
I'm the stranger who used to mean the world to you, the one who loved your naked soul before your naked body.
Heartbreak, such a staggering end. You didn't break my heart, you ripped it into a million pieces; watched me bleeding and did nothing about it. You saw my soul evaporating infront of you and it didn't make you sad.
It was the end of us.
I am that stranger who's still writing about you, a message that you will never recieve.
That was pretty good. The piece does well to build up a sense of unhappy departure, and a continued longing on the part of the narrator.
That said, the piece also reminded me of why I tend toward writing somewhat dark pieces. Not very far in to the reading, I realized that much of these could also be played off from the perspective of a stalker, or someone overly infatuated with another (which may still be true). Certain lines, of course, did well to put distance between the two possible perspectives (the one you used and the one I denoted here).
Due the piece's more poetic, monologue-like styling I don't have much to provide in terms of constructive feedback. Anything that I could come up with has already been addressed by others.
very emotional, this is one of the things that hurts the most, especially if you can't help or control it and most of the time you can't. I could feel the pain in this piece, you did amazing.
very emotional and relatable. for a second there, i thought you were going to make a chemistry reference with the metals, which sure would have been interesting. but you did a great job of capturing the sadness of lovers turning into strangers
A true write it seems as...
Well words have an impact...and yours contains feelings, a kind heart I could say...
But I will just say what's gone is gone, what goes around comes around...
I enjoyed it..:)
This is interesting, as precious metals are often non-ferrous, they often have much better properties than their ferrous counterparts and one property of the non-ferrous family of metals is being non-magnetic, so by saying your bond was magnetic you've categorised this metal into an inferior group, is this a subtle dig at your former lover? that they're not actually as good as others out there? but it didn't matter to you because you were attracted to them for what they are? beautiful
Can definitely relate, reminds me of the first FTSE 100 company i ever traded, i never got over that
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thank you so much WoodenChair for your review! I really appreciate it.
You already know how I feel about "poor me" messages, so I won't go into it again. I think most people feel a lot of "poor me" feelings when a relationship ends. I think most people believe they did the most to give to the relationship, while the other person didn't do enuf. It's true most people see the end of a relationship this way & so your poem is real-to-life in this way. But after the story of yours I just reviewed, I know you are capable of a more layered & nuanced approach to expressing these feelings. I know you could write this message by showing more of the good & bad mixed together becuz life is always a blend, never all one way.
OK, end of lecture . . . now about your specific writing . . . this is a very excellent turn of phrase: "the one who loved your naked soul before your naked body" . . . it's straightforward but it's very specific & clear . . . I think most women would want this from a man (to be recognized for her spirit more than her body). I also like the repeated refrain: "I am that stranger . . . " which is the height of sarcasm.
Thank you so much for your words, I seri.. read moreThe review I always wait for and learn from.
Thank you so much for your words, I seriously appreciate your review more than anything.
7 Years Ago
There was a moment when I was afraid you would block me becuz my reviews can be pretty straightforwa.. read moreThere was a moment when I was afraid you would block me becuz my reviews can be pretty straightforward & some don't like it. I'm glad you stuck with me, cuz I enjoy reviewing you. Your writing is very good & your way of seeing the world is the most important thing you can impart in your writing becuz you have interesting things to say! (((HUGS)))
7 Years Ago
I would never do that, you help me alot and the things you notice about my writings are important fo.. read moreI would never do that, you help me alot and the things you notice about my writings are important for me!