Chapter 1

Where it all began

I'm an 18 year old girl and I have told three boys that I love them and truly meant it with all my heart.. I think, yeah I'm pretty sure! But is it really love? Or just two people blinded by pure infatuation with one and other? Looking back at my previous so called loves I wonder, what was I thinking?

My first love was so unexpected, I was 14 years old and it all started with Myspace.. yes Myspace! Oh those were the days before Facebook and Twitter ruled the social networking world. This seemingly random boy decided to add and message me, he started with something simple just like "Hey you ok" the usual boring stuff, so I decided to check out his profile and saw that he was quite good looking and had a few pictures of him looking like a bad boy so this obviously entrigued me as it does a lot of young girls. I noticed he was friends with my cousin and a few other people I knew from London, so we started chit-chatting, getting to know eachother and found out that we had probably passed eachother many times and not even known while I have been in London visiting my family. He told me I was sexy and 'gawjus' and I would say the same right back! At this point I just want to say that I was at home in Hastings with a broken ankle feeling very sorry for myself and with nothing better to do than to surf the web and talk to people on MSN so I enjoyed the attention very much. He seemed so sweet and after a good few months of talking on the phone, texting and talking on MSN, we grew very fond of eachother and decided we had to meet up next time I was in London.

And so that's exactly what we did, the next time I went to visit my cousins and aunty we arranged to meet outside their house as he was just around the corner and he pretty much knew my family already and so knew where they lived. I remember my heart pounding and my hands shaking, I was so nervous. He appeared from around the corner with the biggest grin on his face, he didn't know what to do with himself, he was as much of a nervous wreck as me! He was so goofy but in the cutest way, I remember thinking that he looked very different to his photos as he had a lot more hair on his face whereas in the photos he was clean and smooth, but I didn't care, not one bit. We spent a long while walking around together and talking, the conversation flowed so easily as if we'd known eachother forever when we were almost strangers considering we had never met in person before this point. We agreed to meet up again before I would have to go home and after a hug goodbye, went our separate ways.
Now my memory gets a bit faded at this point, bearing in mind this was a good four years ago, I can't remember if it was the same day or the next, but I know it was his and his friend's birthday around this time, because he invited me to a party later on that evening where he and his friend would be celebrating. I asked my aunty and my mum for permission being the good girl I was and they said it was alright for me to go. So me and D* jumped on a bus and a little while after arrived at his friend's door. I felt very out of place at this party as I knew no-one apart from D*, well it was more of a little get together considering we all fit in one room but they still called it a party. His friends all had eyes on me and I hated it, most of them were very friendly and welcoming though but just a few said nothing and just stared, I hate that, it gives me a horrible feeling that I'm being judged on every move I make. Still I felt safe in D*'s arms, I drank a bit of good ol' WKD which calmed my nerves a bit also. The music changed from bass heavy music to a sweet little song, that I loved at the time, by DJ Ironik called So Nice, D*'s
friends thought it would be funny to turn all the lights off apart from a few fairy lights which dimly lit the room and let the couples have an intimate moment, and so we did, he held me close in his arms and met my gazing eyes, and we shared our first kiss, I had butterflys in my stomach, it all felt so magical to me. We decided to declare that song ours later on as we thought this would be quite nice, So Nice even.
That moment I try very hard not to forget, because at that moment I felt the happiest I had ever been. The kiss went on for far too long mind, and was then interrupted by his friends who had started throwing cake at eachother and some got me which I wasn't too pleased about but D* defended me and made sure to not let any more touch me, nice gesture eh? After a while it started getting late and so we said our goodbyes and left.

The next day I was miserable as it was time to go home, time to leave him, and I didn't even get a chance to see him once more before I left as I had to leave early in the morning, but all was well I would still get to speak to him as I had before and I knew we would arrange to meet again, we just had to.

Months go by and we've seen eachother many times, met eachothers families, he's stayed round mine I've stayed round his, and yes we did the naughty! I decided he was the one I wanted to lose my virginity to the day after valentine's day and it was far from romantic, it was uncomfortable and my mum walked in on us, luckily we had managed to cover ourselves up and somehow she did not even realise what had just been happening! I was his second which I wasn't thrilled about but atleast he knew what he was
doing. It got better after time of course, it wasn't uncomfortable anymore it was great! We were so adventurous and it was all new and exciting, any opportunity we had we would be straight on it, time and place was no matter, we didn't see eachother all that often and so we had to make the best of it! He helped me discover my likes and dislikes and so for this I am grateful, but now after everything that's happened I feel I regret losing my V plates to him, nevertheless he was the one for me at the time and he even proposed to me, can you imagine? Engaged at 15 years old! He got down on one knee with a Haribo ring and asked me if i'd marry him, I laughed, said yes and ate the ring, of course I was not that naive to think we were actually going to get married anytime soon, but I thought if we stayed together long enough then sure, I mean that's happened right? Childhood sweethearts. He did also give me an actual ring which I still wear to this day, not the most beautiful ring in the world but at the time I loved it, engraved on the inside are the words "I love you" and I felt special wearing it, like I was truly his. I'm not quite sure why I still wear the ring, I suppose I still have feelings for him somewhere deep down inside as he was my first love, i'll always have the thoughts of what if? What if it hadn't all gone so wrong?

For a while it was ups and downs but then it just became a downhill slope, plunging into bitter unhappiness, long distance relationships are hard at the best of times, and ours was especially hard as neither of us had trust in eachother and were both very paranoid. Distrust in one and other only seems to fuel lies, cheating and betrayel as I would soon find out. We would argue over everything, from a packet of crisps (Yes i'm serious we really did have an arguement about a packet of crisps once) to finding out he called another girl sexy, it didn't matter what we were arguing about it was always a big, horrible scene. We were a mess, we'd argue, I'd decide I didn't want to be with him, tell him it's over, then we'd make up and get back together, this happened quite a few times to say the least! I didn't know what I wanted to be perfectly honest, I think I just enjoyed the drama, we both seemed to get a thrill out of winding eachother up. The trust much needed in any relationship was completely non-existent, it got so bad to the point where we would actually ask eachother "Did you cheat?" if one of us had gone out with some friends or to a party. And so one day I was on the phone to him talking about a party he had been to the night before, he said it was really good and he enjoyed himself told me a few details and then I asked the question.. *Silence* Then the faint sound of quiet sobs, and next the reply, "Yes", my heart sank. How could he do this to me? I couldn't understand how you could hurt the one you say you love like this, I struggled to breathe but I asked him who it was and what they did, it turned out that it was a girl I had previously questioned him about and he had told me he didn't like her in the slightest, which clearly was a lie! He told me they only kissed, that it meant nothing and that he was very drunk. Why does everyone use this excuse? "Oh but I was drunk it didn't mean anything honest!" Being drunk does not justify cheating, you either knew what was happening and let it happen anyway or you were that drunk that you didn't actually know what was happening and if this be the case then you shouldn't get that drunk! This will all sound a bit hypocritical as you read further on but you know.. S**t happens! He had broken my heart and so I broke up with him. He was full of apologies and begged for me back but I wasn't having any of it. I had always told myself that if anyone cheated on me I wouldn't be one of those girls that go running back to them, whether it was a kiss or anything more, that would be it, it was over for good.

We got back together within the week I believe, it was only a kiss right? Not my proudest moment but yes I went against my morales and made the same mistake many many girls make and got back with the cheat, if only I had known what grief and heartache this would all cause, how it would turn my whole world upside-down..