The last time

“Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry.” ~ Dr. Suess

As I stood blankly on the train platform staring constantly at her splendor face through the small, rusted window, I knew I was done. My eyes, starting to get wet despite my failed attempt to control them and turned way to wipe out the tears and keep them to myself but still, she managed to catch a glimpse of that one tear that just didn’t get wiped. She looked at me and smiled and I smiled back, I knew both of them were fake. This wasn’t the first time, but I feared it could be the last time I would ever see her again, like this. No one is perfect in this world, but she was to me. Correction “is” to me and always will be.

I constantly gazed into her eyes, the eyes I had always feared to look into and would turn away thinking that I wasn’t worth it, but this time, I looked in them, deeply, and found out that, I failed. The time spent together with her lingered pointlessly in the core of my heart when I knew there no point, no hope, no nothing. The stories shared, the awkward talks, the long conversations, the insensible jokes leading to the most joyful laughs, were just going to be the memories which I’ll just have to take along. I realized that day that the memories do stop you from seeing the sunshine again, as they’re hard to forget, and they hurt to remember. This is the sorest fact contained in this world and we all have to admit and endure it.

I moved forward, closer to the window she was sitting by and said, “Take care” with my heart beating at a pace I cannot measure. She smiled again and replied, “You too” and I don’t know why it gave me a feeling that I’d never see her again, the tone was just so…indescribable. I stared again at her face, despite knowing she felt uncomfortable with it but you cannot just let someone go like that, you just cant. I didn’t feel sorry for myself. It wasn’t mine to be. I knew something died within, spirit, optimism, ambition, desire, I don’t know, maybe all of them. The famous writers say that these types of things make us strong and resilient, but as far as I know, as I felt, as I now know how everyone feels; they only make us weak, make us scream, make us give up, and often causes us to lose faith…in everything, importantly, in our own selves.

I asked her if she needed something, water, or anything and she smiled again replying no. She may think it’s easy, but it isn’t.  Immaturity and lack of sense, doesn’t anyone know that these things only serve to make the pain more arching? No sensible person would feel pain then. Mindless facts! No matter how wise a person is, how old he is, how experienced he is, he is still deep down inside, a naïve child. Thoughts just kept on overwhelming me and I couldn’t stop them. The swing, on which I once sat with her and shared different feelings and emotions, is the one on which now I’ll sit on alone, along with her memory which shall NEVER leave. Scientists invented such inventions that could ease mankind’s work and stress, but never created something that could ease the tempest inside a man’s mind and heart.

I kept on staring at her. I didn’t want time to pass, I wanted to stare at her for as long as I can but the stare becoming colder and colder as each second passed by when finally, the sound of the train horn struck my ears, and I felt if someone pierced my body and ripped it apart. The train started to move forward and my desperation increased to such an extent that I don’t know which force or physics or how gravity kept me standing there. I moved along the train, just to see her beautiful face again but the passengers blocked my eye path but giving up now wasn’t an option. I ran and searched through the open hole and finally, I saw her, struggling along…..to see me... and that was it. The last time we looked in each other’s eyes and then….

The time that was moving faster than a bullet stopped. It never moved on since, neither did me. I learned that time only passes by fast, when you’re losing something and after that, when you want your movie to remain in fast forward, it just stops. It stops to make you feel how unwanted and unlucky you actually are. They say time heals, well, it may heal, but it can never remove

I stood on the platform, now staring at nothing, absolutely nothing. If life’s a dream, then I would really love to wake up to reality.