Untitled Story Chapter One

This is a story that I came up with. The idea popped into my head and now I"m just trying to run with it. Would love feedback on what to improve and fix :)

She sat in her car, staring out the windshield.  Empty; that was all she felt, a deep emptiness that nothing could replace.  A tear ran down her cheek as she recalled the words that the detective told her. Its been a month and there’s been no tips to help find your son.  We have to assume the worst.  Her hands gripped the steering wheel making her knuckles numb.  

 

The moonlight shown down, illuminating the cliff that was in front of her.  Darkness lapped at the edge of the cliff, beckoning her, welcoming her into its arms.  Her heart ached.  It ached for the son that was missing, the son that was her life.  In her mind there was nothing left to live for.  

 

Releasing her grip from the steering wheel, she opened the door and stepped out.  The warm night breeze stirred, making her skirt gently sway back and forth.  The smell of the salt air was sour, yet sweet that left her slightly gasping for breath.  The image of the sun shining down on a sand castle that was standing tall, daring the tide to make its move, flashed in her mind.  A small whimper escaped her lips; she didn’t want to remember such a memory.

 

Slowly she walked towards the edge of the car, the crashing surf getting louder as it hit the rocks. Tears began to stream down her cheeks, the warm breeze making a cooling effect against the warm liquid.  A gust of wind blew up from  below, carrying the sounds of the gulls to her ears.  Laughing, she thought,they’re laughing.  Her foot found the edge and she stopped.  She looked down, the surf illuminated by the moonlight, crashed angrily over the rocks.  Its roaring was like a lion announcing its kill.

 

She breathed in deep, taking the salty air into her lungs.  With arms spread, she let herself slowly fall.  She closed her eyes, feeling the rush of air swirling around her.  Her last thought was of a small boy, running win an orange bucket along the surf.  He plopped down next to the sand castle and looked up. Look mommy, he said with a  smile, Do you think a Princess would live in my castle?  “Yes,” she said softly before she hit the rocks below.

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

 

It was just before dawn when he found her.  Her head was crushed, he knew that much.  Walking over to her, he saw many cuts and bruises.  No doubt it was from the rocks. 

 

“My god, what the hell happened to you?” he said.

 

Turning, he jogged back towards the parking lot where his car was.  Opening the door he kicked the sand on his shoes before sitting inside.  He sighed and grabbed his cigarettes.  Pulling one out he lit it and took a long drag.  He exhaled slowly picking up his phone and dialed 9-1-1.

Reviews

[Mel Stevens]

Its been a month and there’s been no tips to help find your son. –Its should be it’s

Her hands gripped the steering wheel making her knuckles numb. –comma after ‘wheel’

The moonlight shown down, illuminating the cliff that was in front of her. –‘shown’ is to show. Try streamed, shone, filtered, glimmered, shimmered, etc.

Tears began to stream down her cheeks, the warm breeze making a cooling effect against the warm liquid. –redundancy of ‘warm’. Try balmy breeze, scalding liquid, etc.

She looked down, the surf illuminated by the moonlight, crashed angrily over the rocks. –it’s an awkward sentence to read. Try placing a comma after ‘surf’, or rewording the sentence.

Its roaring was like a lion announcing its kill. –I don’t think you need this sentence. It seems like an afterthought.

Her last thought was of a small boy, running win an orange bucket along the surf. –‘win’ should be ‘with’?

Pulling one out he lit it and took a long drag. He exhaled slowly picking up his phone and dialed 9-1-1. –comma after ‘out’ and ‘slowly’

The man intrigues me the most. He did not act very surprised when he found the woman, which makes me wonder who he is. I think I would change the bit about her last thought. Maybe just say, ‘her thoughts wandered to a small boy, running with an orange…’ You need to show her memories, but almost in an urgent way, because of the time constraint.

Overall, your story is good. You don’t go into much detail on the woman or man, so right now I don’t feel any connection to the characters. Your chapter is also very short. You might want to try expanding the descriptions and see how much that increases your chapter. The first chapter is the most important. The first paragraph, for that matter, so you want to pack as much of a punch as possible without being wordy. A fine, fine line. You have a pull, though, cause I’m going to the next chapter.

Kudos.