In the eyes of the beholden

A women kills a man in a hotel room

As she looked at herself in the mirror with the taudry remains of her shattered innocence lying in that bed in that s****y budget hotel. A man lay there bleeding, chained and gagged to the bed. She all the while was checking herself to make sure that there was no blood on her clothes. She nitpicked through every particular, then she obsessed about it almost wanting to find some evidence, some proof that she had done the deed. A deed she had contemplated for such a long time, that had consumed her life yet now it was being done and the moment seemed so transient, so unremarkable. She was calm, had a cool countenance about her. She went over to the bed where her purse lay and grabbed a cigarette then lit it, all in one smooth motion as though there was not a man spilling his blood slowly over the whole room. She smiled and looked at the man and thought for a moment that perhaps this moment would be more satisfying if she let him talk. So she went over and took out the ball gag from his mouth, the man now had a bit of hope in his eyes. He looked at her and begged "Please let me go." She giggled and looked him straight in the eye "Your becoming art my dear, don't you think you should be a lately more grateful." He looked at her stunned "What do you mean, Im dying not becoming art. the hell are you talking about?!"

She was even surprised at how naturally this came to her, she now realized that she was a sociopath. Her calling had been fulfilled and for the first time in life something had felt real, yes it was this mans death rows, his ache, his regrets in his eyes. She saw the story of his life on his face and now it was ending, she would be the final line in this novel. She was a writer but only wrote endings she was an artist of death. It was not either dark or depressing to her, it was the most invigorating feeling of her life, more so than even her loosing her virginity. For the first time life had meaning for her and she relished it.

She looked at the man there struggling, swaying from shouting obscenities to begging for mercy. She just stood there and watched as he became weaker, as his face grew paler, as his tears ran down his cheeks to their sockets were dry. The moment had come finally when the man had stopped all his struggling, when he just looked up hopeless but without any more despair. This was the moment she waited for, to thoroughly observe and soak up every last fleeting emotion passing through this mans mind at the moment of his death. She wondered what he would reveal himself to be, to truly be without conditioning; a man is an infant at the last moment before death, an infant with too many memories. She bent her head forward in utter excitement, her face was lit up, her green eyes intrigued and shining like that of a lioness devouring a gazelle. The man slowly turned his gaze on her and said "Have your art yet?" she nodded and he expired. She was a pretty brunette leaving that room with a lit cigarette in her hand and the look on her face of a women freshly orgasmed.

She had a bottle of the mans blood in her hand and she walked off to the lab at the hospital she worked at. She changed into her white lab coat and gave two bottles of blood to an attendant there, "give me a genetic comparison of these two blood samples, cutie." She then winked at the attendant who was a pretty young blonde who seemed to be quite pleased and practiced at receiving these little flirtatious gestures. A little while later she returned with some sheets of paper and said "these two appear to be related." She smiled at this, "thank you Patrice." She then whispered to herself "I finally got to know you dad."

Author's Note

Does this leave you wanting more?

Reviews

[Dusty]

First of all, I really loved the last line along with the story itself. The concept really caught my attention along with the way you dropped the reader right into the action. I really love the way you did so. At sometimes I felt the story was a bit hard to follow. Maybe consider changing the structure a bit. I'm not sure if you're aware but when someone speaks the dialogue is supposed to start a new paragraph. On the other hand, your attention to detail is absolutely beautiful. I love when a writer can paint a picture in my head and you've done just that. As far as expanding it, I would say no. I love it where it is.

[RenatoRojo]

Thanks for the review and for the tip on the dialogue, I was wondering how to handle that.

[Dusty]

No problem. :)

[Shay]

This story is so interesting! Female sociopaths are rare, and ones who kill in a bloody manner are even rarer. I would say that alone qualifies this as a story I want to read more about. I especially love the juxtaposition of her "taudry remains of her shattered innocence lying in that bed in that s****y budget hotel" compared to the second paragraph describing her elation and feelings about what she's done. The way she clinically observes her reaction to a horrible act and decides that its good is like a phoenix burning up and then rising out of it.

Another really cool thing is that you are telling this from the POV of the killer, another thing rarely done. If the story is continued would you plan on continuing using the same character POV or switching to another (cop or whatever) POV for the story? I would recommend keeping it with her POV and limiting police involvement. You can easily slid the story into more action using her job and furthering her exposition. You can even draw exposition in the ways she hides herself in plain sight.

I only have a few points of criticism.

The first is that there are a few syntax, dialog, and grammatical things I would edit. For example, the first sentence is not a complete sentence. That can be easily fixed with a good proofread and I understand that you probably aren't done yet (especially if you are wanting to turn this into a longer story) so you're not really at the point that its necessary yet. All the same it needs to be said.

The second is that I think you should omit "she now realized that she was a sociopath" in the second paragraph. Nothing even needs to go there, just end that sentence. It reads wonderfully without it.

This is a wonderful read and I sincerely hope you do continue the story!

[Tina Kline]

A very chilling and dark tale. I could see this as being a long story, there's a lot yet to be told!

[N. Tripper]

Creepy - the whole death as art thing... You should correct the typos. I mean, if someone is going to take their time to read it, the least you can do is clean it up for them...

[RenatoRojo]

Thx for the review and yea I know, I just have trouble editing my own work.