Ray of Light

Ray of Light

A Poem by Pandarian Brewmaster
"

Personal reflection at the hands of nature

"
Previous Version
This is a previous version of Ray of Light.



As the flooding waves slowly was up on the shore, I sit there alone on the pier and watch the sun slowly fading behind the horizon as the the crimson sky slowly embraces me with it's dying light.
The warm air surrounds me like a soft silk cover gently wrapping around my body and cradling me to a sweet rest.
Listening to the soft tone of the waves some tears start coming out of my eyes. 
It starts with a barely noticeable shake in my heart and the grows it a ground-shaking earthquake that sends out tsunami waves of loneliness.
I get struck by that fact as if a huge sledgehammer slammed into the ground, leaving visible traces from the impact

© 2010 Pandarian Brewmaster




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This looks like a nice start. But what I would do, is I would add a sentence or two, you know. In the end, just to add a little more realism to it. Because how this is structured is that it's calm, so you're left with your thoughts, you know, and then..all of a sudden, your mind treads on the inevitable and psychologically, emotionally, there's this tsunami, but..what I'd show is that..no matter how big the explosion you feel, your surroundings, they don't change. And in a way that's how we end up moving on, you know. So I would just mention the waves a second time, or maybe that in the distance there are mute seagulls flying away or a quiet boat coming to port.

Other than that you meant to write "wash", not "was" in the first line, and "its" instead of "it's" on the second line, you don't need "some" on line three, though if you insist I imagine people could care less, and finally, "and the grows it a" doesn't mean anything, fix that bit.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago


I like as this transcends from a sort of peaceful calm to something disruptive, aka the sledgehammer.
Nature to man-made.

I've never really taken the time to appreciate nature. Perhaps I don't have the patience for it.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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2 Reviews
Added on August 5, 2010
Last Updated on August 5, 2010