"O" Brother

Micro Story

He's got a sticker book smile.

Teeth, bleached egg-shell white.

His whip? A Mercedes.

A Summa Cum Laude, Yale grad.

A doctor. A heart surgeon.

Me? I'm a male nurse.

I ride the bus to work.

I'm not a failure but it's the first word that comes to mind.

But here she is on my doorstep, to remind me it's Friday.

Fridays he's on call. So he sleeps at the hospital.

"You shouldn't be here." I say.

"But I am" she says pouty lipped, rouge two shades of red too bright. Caked on make-up, Jersey Shore orange.

"Let's just have a bite and catch up inside." She offers.

"My fridge has nothing but vodka and orange juice."

"Perfect." she says "My favorite." And smiles with delight.

We're three drinks in and she's telling me how he f***s her like she's a flower.

How he's too tired after work.

Spouting off how boring he is.

"Why are you with him then?"

"A girl has needs you know." She says taking off her boots.

Stripping off her Vera Wang blouse. Hiking up her skirt.

Jack Rabbits don't f**k this hard. Hibernating grizzlies, they don't sleep this good.

I wake up alone thinking how my brother: the heart surgeon, while he was saving lives.

I was saving his marriage.

Author's Note

Ignore conventional rules of grammar. The idea is to tell an entertaining story, the way you'd hear one in real life. Maybe around a campfire. I wanted minimalistic sentences as well.

Reviews

[Daniel Towers]

I like that first-person "ordinary guy" storyteller narrative told in a present-tense we somehow know are events that happened in the past, much like they way we tell our stories orally. If you're going to use those "poetic-looking" line breaks, though (I think it would have been fine in conventional narrative prose form) there are a few lines I'd splice together into one because I thought the speaking voice wouldn't break the flow in those moments. And I didn't think you needed to bold "Me?" I thought it would be fine "untouched" and paired up with "I'm a male nurse" on a single line. Great ending. Never would have guessed except for the title since he never says "brother" until the end. :-)

[TheOne&Only]

I like this one. I like a story told, as an ordinary conversation being held.. Seems more real. :-) got to say though, that's one hell of an ending.

[MoriartyMesa]

This very much reminds me of a co-worker, lots of detail and submission of others, and as story telling goes this was a hit out of the ball park. Nice work.

[JC]

I can relate to this, and that is what is the most important thing to me when I am reading someone else, we all want to know ourselves in someone else...I am a big fan of this minimalist style, to the point and honest...there is a profoundness in normalcy and honesty when the normalcy shocks others and makes them look at themselves. Great job.

[ZackOfBridge]

Hell yes! Sure it plays on some cliches, but the style and way of telling it makes it feel original. Dug it hard.

[klawrites]

You are a fantastic story teller! It's amazing how you gave each character such personality in so few words. Reading this made me think about how strange the concept of success is. "One mans trash is another's treasure" :p
keep up the great stuff!

[Jack Wolfe]

Me? I'm a male nurse (I would italicize, bold, or ‘Me,’ to show the emphasis between narrator and that being spoken about. Also drop the line one to signify a break,)

We're three drinks in and she's telling me how he f***s her like she's a flower (don’t get this simile or metaphor, are you imply he f***s her soft, and she wants it hard?)

Okay, based on the ending, I’m assuming the implication was correct, but I would look for a better simile to portray this.

It’s a bit of a twist, here ‘she’ wants the security and comforts the brother can provided, while using the other brother to satiate her sexual appetite. I enjoyed this, but it was a bit of abrupt, I had to read it twice to make sure I read it right the first time.

[Eleanor]

So okay I'm really sorry for the last review. I supposed it to be a poetry. The way its placed made me think so. Sorry.
For a story I rather do understand this. Its has a starting and ending. I should have been careful.
As a story I feel it has a twist at the end which I really liked. Considering the fact that its his own brother.
Though I'd say one thing again try to elaborate things. Like before putting in the woman and man, put in some thing to introduce them.
Nice job with a little darkness into it! :)

Thank you!

[KWP]

ha - i love this too - I have never written in this style - i believe it is well worth the effort .. I read a comment below about your concerns about people taking you and your characters the wrong way - isn't that what makes the best writer - casting all of the opinions aside - from the two that I have read I see only LIFE - not always beautiful - but it is LIFE .. nice one xx