Entry Two: Monday, September 21st, 2015

My handwriting sucks! I don’t know why I found the need to say that, but it is what is. I really shouldn’t be doing this at 1:11 in the morning, since I have to get up at 7am to be CVS at 8am. Yah! I’m so excited.

A few hours ago, I kind of hit a low point, probably lower than I’ve been in a very long time. I felt like my depression was coming back and there was basically nothing I could do to stop it. While my thoughts went in circles, I had the song “Don’t You Dare” by Alexz Johnson on repeat on my iPhone 6. I love the TV show the song is from, Instant Star. I recently bought all of the seasons and I’m in the process of re-watching them�"but that’s beside the point.

I’m definitely over exaggerating my depressive episode because it’s not as serious as I’m making it sound.

On another (totally random) note, my mother wants to visit her mother in New York, which is weird because they haven’t seen each other in what I think is almost ten years.

I don’t want to go.

I would be using my vacation days to go up to see some abusive, alcoholic-beast of a woman. And it’s all because my cousin, my mom’s nephew, sent her a picture of Tina, her mom, sitting in a chair outside of my cousin’s house. She looked old and sickly. It was also the first recent pic of her my family has seen of her. I can definitely understand the mixed emotions my mother has been feeling, but I just don’t want to go. My father thinks otherwise and that we should go as support. But all I keep thinking about is that this is some complete bullshit. I hate to cuss, by the way, which is why I use Farscape-profanity instead like ‘frell’ or ‘dren.’ Farscape is a sci-fi show that aired from 1999-2003, if you didn’t know. But, yeah, I don’t want to go.

My father also brought up the idea of my brother will most likely be drafted into the Major League Baseball, or at the very least be drafted to a better school. He’s playing for the local community college, now, and is trying to get his grades up. I could tell my father was proud of him. And then he brought up the idea of me leasing a car and going back to school, which irked me because I’m not ready to go back to school. I mean he said it all matter-of-fact as if we had discussed it and I had set a date of my return to college life.

I don’t know…hearing about my brother made me think about my own passions. How I’m nowhere near where I want to be. I imagined he would become a successful Major League Baseball player, and I would be…just what I am now, unsatisfied.

Today, it felt as though my dreams were stupid, that the idea of me being successful at my aspirations was so far-fetched, I even thought about ending it all because it just seemed like the right thing to do. I wasn’t in any anguish, and I wasn’t crying.

It was just a quick thought. An option I considered.

Since questioning my worth and willingness to continue working toward my dreams and lack of successes was beginning to get old. Even writing in this diary felt stupid. I am amazed I even wrote this second entry, as I look at the clock.

It is now 1:39am according to my charcoal-grey Bose radio that sits across from my bed. I guess I should end this now.

 

       Until next time,

       Bottle Song