A smile is enough - Chapter 3

"Your friend seems... well... she seems interesting. That's all."

"what do you mean?", I then asked astonished by his so unusually uncertain tone of voice.

"I mean that I would love to help her redecorating her house for the fiftieth time, but from how you describe her, I guess I would do that more as a favor to you than to her"

What? Why? Oh Gosh, what did I say? I mean... no, I don't think I've said anything bad. I was most certain I described her at her best! I didn't even mentioned her manners with me or her strong attachment to her credit card! Or did I? No, I was sure I didn't, but still he had doubts. Thank God I didn't mention that I thought she was a good match for him, or he wouldn't even wanted to meet her! But why...

"I... you see... She's an extraordinary person! I swear you should be happy to work with her!" 

Lucas burst into laughter, probably because I chose to say 'extraordinary' which thanks to my poor pronunciation became something indescribable, then he look at me, right in my eyes, and smiled.

"Ok Birdie, if you say so... you know I trust you, I just meant that seems like you care more than her about this thing. When will I have the pleasure to meet this absolutely wonderful woman?"

Birdie? To me? This was definitely the first time someone called me that! In addition to the height, in fact,  no one could really say that I didn't have the curves that compete to an Italian girl, so my overall frame wasn't exactly tiny or cute.

If that wasn't enough, in my ungainly way to avoid being too much provocative at work, I reduced my wardrobe to a bunch of less than casual clothes, mostly baggy and predominantly without colors, that made me look like a fat homeless person. 

Amelia more than once told me I was stupid in doing so, and I knew she was right! But every time that I was about to buy something different I could hear my inner critic starting to grumble, making me feel stupid and insecure.

I decided not to point out the irony behind the nickname he used, and just went on talking about the date I was planning. 

"I was thinking... you know that fantastic place which sells those pastries super...", how was the word..."pucciosi!", I then said in Italian, while keeping thinking the right way to express the concept in English.

"Do you mean 'cute'?", suggested him increasingly amused.

"Well, yes... cute, adorable... which makes you wanting to hug it before eating it!"

At that point Lucas couldn't hold it anymore and bursted again into laughs, and while still laughing at my ridiculousness, stood up from the couch and came over to the kitchenette, where I was standing, to make a mess of my hair. 

That gesture didn't even bother me anymore, it new by then it was his way to mock me, but with sweetness and I was sure that he'd continue by saying something sarcastic to annoy me to then go back and finish the dinner  curled up on couch.

He couldn't fool me anymore!

And yet he did. After staring at me for a minute, he started to settle my mane, now reduced to a shapeless bush. I looked at him surprised, with my heart pounding fast and loudly in my chest.

What? ... why was my heart pumping so fast?! No, B calm down.

I was about to move aside to escape his gentle, yet unexpected touch, when he let his hands slip on my cheeks and looking me directly into my eyes said: "You know, you too make me wanting to hug you."

Everything started spinning. What was going on?

I imagined my face and its colors. I was probably glowing of a fluorescent red. I had to do something, and not that something my heart, my stomach and my ...something else, were telling me to do. I had to do something that rationally was right, o I'd have ruined everything. 

I took a fast step to the right, bumping with my butt the kettle I had put on for the tea. Great. 

"Well, we were saying about that place... Do you remember how it's called?", I said keeping my eyes on the solitary red gerbera in the small teal vase placed on the dining table.

"It's the Caroline Caffè. By the way, you're on fire."

His tone of voice was so cold that for a split second I couldn't even grasp what he was saying. Yes, it was the Caroline. Finally I reminded the shop sign in beautiful pastel colors which seemed hand made by an artist from another era. It was astonishing. 

Wait, what did he mean by 'you're on fire'? Was he mocking me for blushing so much? 

My doubts were dispelled when, a tenth of a second later, he pulled me by the arm towards the center of the room and, after having me turned, he started slapping my back with a kitchen towel. 

Finally my neurons realized that the burnt smell was coming from...me, and I was literally on fire. I turned and stared into his eyes and him into mine. Silence. 

A moment later the laugh that we shared for what had just happened cancelled every memory of what we were doing and saying before that. I was relieved. At least this time, my clumsiness had been a blessing. 

We finished seeing the movie, continuing to nibble chicken with almonds and sweet and sour shrimp, not really talking but just sporadically  commenting on Di Caprio's recitative qualities.

When he finally got up from the couch I realized that I still hadn't made ​​an arrangement  for the meeting between him and Amelia.

"At five!", I said suddenly almost screaming. He whirled around as he was pulling out the dvd from the player.

"You just took away ten years of my life Birdie! At five, what?"

"At ...at five, the appointment with Amelia. Saturday. At the Caroline. Is it ok for you? Are you free?"

"Oh. Yes. Ok..."

I don't know why but he almost seemed sad. Did I scared him that much?

"Ehm... if you're busy that day... I mean, I can ask her if she's free some other time, and for me, you know I'm always free anyway", I tried to smile but the truth behind that affirmation hurt, even if I was the one who said it. 

"No, I'm free... oh, kind of... I have to meet with a friend that day, but we didn't set a time yet. Do you mind if I bring him? You'll like him for sure, he's a nerd just like you!"

A sarcastic smile was back on his face. Good, I was starting to worry.

"Perfect! So I'll speak with someone and won't bother yours and Amelia's confabulations about carpets and wallpapers!"

I smiled again, but with increasingly less conviction.  I had this feeling that he was trying to set me up... but that's what I was doing with him, so why getting upset?

I was starting to regret of all this scheming, or was I regretting the decision to share Lucas with Amelia? Yes, this was sadness generated by the harsh truth. I didn't think of Lucas as just a friend.

Once he left, going out the door after his typical 'night', I rushed to send a message to Amelia telling her everything about the meeting. I told her roughly what I said about her to Lucas and what I said she wanted him to do in her apartment; not that I invented bullshits about that, just so she'd know where to start when they met face to face. 

I wrote the message in tears, fastest as possible because I knew that if I gave myself time to process everything I'd not have had the strength to do so.

She didn't take so long to answer...

"PERFEEEEECT! I can't wait! And please, try to put on something decent for once, you'll have to keep his friend entertained in some way! Poor guy! See you tomorrow, kissy kissy B"

Poor guy... right. 

I was in a wrecked state, and dragging my feet on the floor, I approached the couch on which still lay remainings of fortune cookies not so much fortunate. Luca's found 'Don't seek certainties: they're the most dangerous things in the world', while mine said 'Seize the day, and put the least possible trust in tomorrow', yes, precisely.

I threw everything on the floor and after taking off my pants I just threw myself on the couch without even contemplating the possibility of opening the bed underneath. 

I cried for at least another hour before giving up and falling into Morpheus arms.

I dreamt about strange things that night. Dragons and snakes were hunting me and my only hope was to reach a small cavern that seemed moving farther at each of my step toward it. The small hole in the mountain was dark but I was able to distinguish a tiny silhouette, like the one of a garden dwarf... yes, it was a garden dwarf, but it was strange because its smile was strange... and its eyes... blue, intense, reassuring; the kind of eyes that seem to tell 'Everything's going to be fine'. Was I... going to be fine?