a feeble moment

i will not eat
i will not laugh
i will not seek sympathy
only i beg,
erase all of my memories
only, please
do not torture me
erase me from your memory
let that be my punishment
that i cannot remember or feel
i cannot stand the pain

i fall
crush me now
and forget my memory
let me pay for my sins
obliterate me
that i have no memory
or conscienceness
for all the wrongs

the stumbling in the dark
the senseless things i did
i know were never hid
from your sight

i could not really help myself
in my ignorance
my weakness
my utter blindness

is it possible to escape eternal torture?

if so,
let me lose all conscienceness
i meant to hurt no one
the gratification of my flesh
i did not do it to hurt anyone

like a child
close to the pretty flame
unafraid to touch
burned to pain
of mind and tender soul
erase me now from your presence
let not my memory remain,

if only i could know
and see as clearly as you do
i am weak
you are infinitely strong

if only i had a body
without the taint of sin
i would know
i would totally succomb
to your will

i would refuse to live for me
with a new and different mind
my soul renewed
to be like you
i would rather live
if not then obliterate me

i only know
this awful world
is not for me
white is black
black is white
and nothing’s certain

in this miserable flesh
there is no end to evil

good and well today
in an instant before the sun
of tomorrow even sets
a billion wrongs
a trillion attrocities committed
in plain sight under cover of darkness
in the light of your presence
so despicable, repulsive
beyond endurance

i cannot stand
i’d rather die
obliterate me
i am vexed,

destroy me with your crucifixtion
it is in your power,
i may protest and fight
in the end i am nothing
without attachment to the vine

i am yours
if you’ll have me
there is no other choice
no other outcome
strangely so,
beyond my reach
and understanding,

and all of you who hear,
though we’ve been told otherwise
by the enemy of our souls
a leaf fallen to the ground
dried and crumpled
stepped upon and crushed
by the mighty powers that be

yet i see
if it weren’t for you
i would have long ago
been utterly destroyed
my memory serves me well
to see
the manifold dangers and pitfalls
where i stood and teetered on the brink
of insanity,
were it not for you

you keep me close from plunging
into oblivion
and death

only now i see
in this quiet moment
your hand in victory
my life in yours
over darkness
you live in me
beyond the laws of physics
you overcome in and through me,
every day,
each moment

i saw you vaguely this morning
while in quiet contemplation
over you, . . .
i said,
“i can barely see you,”

“here i am,” you said
i barely heard you

and now,
i hear you say in mercy
and quiet speech,
that only the heart can hear,

“i will never erase you
from my book of life"