Happy New Year's 2017 to me.

I think I am very messed up.
I am messed up everywhere.
I make people worry too much, and I make them cry.
Sometimes I like it when they cry.
I think I am very messed up.
I am not smart, either.
I can't figure things out very fast. Not fast at all. I have trouble with simple things, and I can't focus.
And then I don't ask for help. Maybe because I don't know how, or maybe because I am too afraid of looking very dumb. Maybe I am lazy.
Sometimes I feel like maybe all my pieces aren't put together right. Like my insides aren't made to be put together.
My words will come out weird very often. And often I don't know what to do when they do.
I hate myself a lot.
Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes I force myself to be sad because I like it. Sometimes I force myself to be sad because I deserve it.
I think I am very messed up.
I can't make people feel happy or good about themselves. Not often at least.
I can't talk to people.
I am crying right now, and my nose is running. I have that sick feeling in my stomach. Like deep within your inside pieces there's all these emotions and you just want to throw everything up and fade away.
Maybe I could fade away for awhile.
I wonder what would happen if I died.
I think I am very messed up.
I think that just the fact that I am typing this makes me very messed up.
I focus on irrelevant things. Things like telephone poles and cracks in the concrete.
Sometimes I focus so hard I can't stop.
And then I snap out of it, and I feel frustrated. Because I focused on the irrelevant things again. And I can never stop.
I think I am very messed up.
I have trouble remembering things. So much trouble in fact, that often I get yelled at for not doing something.
It makes me mad that I cannot keep things inside my brain. Simple things. Simple tasks.
Am I wired wrong?
I often wonder why I was born into my smart, giving family. I do a lot of things wrong.
I mess up often. More often than most people do.
I think I am very messed up.
I am also not pretty. In fact I am quite the opposite.
I do not like my body. I do not like my face, or my hair or my arms or legs or stomach. Or anything. So sometimes I do bad things to my body. Sometimes I like doing these things, and sometimes it hurts me a lot.
Either way, I deserve it.
I have let down people too many times.
I don't like it when people compliment me. I get very uncomfortable when they do because I always feel like they are lying, or just saying it to be nice.
Because I know that I am not "nice looking" today. Or any day. Because I am not pretty. Or beautiful. Or lovely.
I am not and never have been any of those things.
I think instead,
I am very messed up.