haiku (still forest breathing)

lets give this a try

still forest breathing

inhale exhale inhale stop

nature holds her breath

Author's Note

To you poets out there: Am I on the right track? Complete off base? What is your take on titling?
Thank you Dhiman for inspiration!

Reviews

[J.Arthur.B]

give space between lines so it will be read slower, given breath to the poem. i kind feel is a poem to read slowly.

poems has no rules, so you can give it a shoot and put empty spaces every were in order to create notions of rythum or breath

i usually read mine outloud to hear his tempo

regards

[Shannon]

I tend to read them aloud as well. I feel like the the spacing makes sense. Since this kind of peom does have rules, I may check in with my mentors, to make sure the spacing thing is acceptable. Thank you for both the read and the feedback!

[mattavelli]

I think it's great. :)
For me, haiku is two lines of setting the stage and that third line that conveys the message, like the wind up and the pitch. Yours was powerful.

[Shannon]

Thank you very much for coming by to read and being so kind. I am always open to suggestions. And will check out your postings tomorrow.

[mattavelli]

My pleasure. :)
I suggest that unless you are writing a haiku as a puzzle, trying to squeeze a thought into the form, try thinking of the "rules" as guidelines. Using punctuation or a change in the syllable count doesn't break any ancient Japanese tradition. My meaning is:
If you can,
then go ahead
as you like. :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i would change the title, away from the first line...
but the haiku is perfect...and very much can parallel humans...like a person waiting for the next event in life with bated breath.

[Shannon]

Thank you for coming to read. Yes. Waiting. Beginner's luck, for sure.
I was following someone elses' template in regards to the title. Do you have suggestions, given the format?

[jacob erin-cilberto]

suggestion for the title?

"Pause"

[Shannon]

Thank you. It is an amazing suggestion!

[hcarson]

I like this a lot, i'mstill tinkering about with haikus on paper and getting my head around the syllable count..is a compound word classed as one syllable?..fairly confusing...i loveyours you are doing fantastic :)

[Shannon]

I fear this might be a case of beginners luck. Dhiman challenged me. Took literally about 90 seconds. On wording change then posted. Next one is painful...

[Bacchus]

I like this- a lot.
Makes me wonder when nature holds it's breath-
Sunrise? death? birth?
very interesting.

[Shannon]

Thank you. I have never done this before. Happy to hear I was able to bring you there with me!

[Jean Carlos]

It helps you vividly imagine what is happening on my case, great work!

[Shannon]

Thanks for reading

[Inject Positivity]

Wow!!! Such a lovely work... Makes me think of my nearby forest inhaling and exhaling... Excellent first Haiku, I'm so glad you posted it.... Natural beauty is flowing throughout the poem...

[Shannon]

thank you very much for your encouragement!

[Inject Positivity]

You are welcome frnd, you have encouraged me more than I did to you...

[barleygirl]

Here's the deal with haiku . . . no choices on title . . . rules say:
haiku (exact first line) . . . this prevents us from trying to pack in any additional info, getting our message across in exactly 17 syllables.

Good job making this about nature (another rule of haiku) & you've done a good job of personifying nature, as we can feel this experience in the forest. Suggest "holds" in the last line so verb matches subject.

[Shannon]

Thank you so much. will do. And still no caps in tittle, correct?

[barleygirl]

The haiku rule is no caps ANYWHERE, unless it's a proper noun (like a name).

[barleygirl]

Also, I really love the middle line, very unusual & startling the way it brings the stillness to life.

[Shannon]

Thank you. Since this seems to be a passion of yours and you are very knowledgeable, I will take it as high praise! I was imagining (in my own way, with words mot images) the pause the natural world seems to take before a predator pounces. But I am aware, they are to be left to the readers interpretation...

[barleygirl]

I didn't see it before you explained, but now I see it & love it. I love the thrill of the chase & watch nature films about predators often. It's a metaphor for life *smile* Very well done & thanks for sharing.