Broken Script

When leaving and staying both hurt. Language warning!

Kate looks Joe dead in the eye.

"You lied to me", her voice is steady, "we are done".

Joe has no reason to believe she means it.  And many reasons to think that this time will be like before.  He needs her; she will take him back.

Joe continues to apologize, “Katie, I’m sorry.  You know I love you.”

Kate walks away, where in the past she has fought - fought for him, fought with him.  The tears that squeeze past her resolve shatter like glass on her cheeks.

Joe hasn't done anything he hasn't done before, really.   Another promise to stop getting high and drinking. But this time was different.  He had hurt her body.  It changed things for her.  I thought it changed things for him too.  He lasted ten days.

The phone startles her out of sleep, setting off familiar warning bells. Kate knows what will happen when she answers, but she picks it up anyway.

"I need you back," Joe slurs.  Alcohol tonight.

"I can't.” Kate hears the truth in her words, the steel in her resolve.  He does not.

"I love you,  I can't live without you". The same words they exchange every time; a script learned by rote, “I will change.  I know I’m a terrible person, but without you, I am nothing.”

She knows her next line: I’m sorry,  I love you too.  Yes, I’ll be yours again,  but refuses to say it.

Instead she says, “I can’t.  I love you, but I can't keep doing this.”

"I'll kill myself; I can't live without you.  I will die if you don’t forgive me," Joe whispers before starting to cry.

This scene, newly added to the old script, is disorienting, frightening.

“I can forgive you, but we can’t get back together,” Kate feels the steel crack, but refuses to let it fracture, “Please don't hurt yourself Joe.”

“I need you.” His voice breaks. Her heart tries to as well. “I can do better, change,” he promises, “I just need someone to do it for.  I can't do it without you, Katie.”

“You need to move on, for yourself, I’m not enough,” she says.

“I’m not enough, I don’t deserve to live. Not after I hurt you. You’re all I have,” Joe is yelling now, a tone Kate knows well.

He’s angry at himself more than me. “Yes you do deserve to live. I love you, but I can't be with you,” Kate says, resolve firm again.

They talk for hours. Around and around, the same topic, the same words, the same conclusion.  A new script begins to take shape. Joe passes out; the phone call ends.

Kate finds herself precariously balanced, torn.

Talking to Joe. Not taking him back. Still loving him, as she refuses to be with him. She feels brittle, cracking, nearly breaking.

Kate thinks about the times Joe came to the cafe where she waitresses on weekends.

“Hey, Baby, it’s really dead in here,” he said taking note of the single patron, reading a free newspaper on the far side of the room, before leaning in to steal a kiss. “I know, not at work, but no one saw and I missed you so much,” Joe grinned at Kate, who returned his smile.

“I gotta get the cleaning and restocking done,” Kate told him.

“Let me help, no one will know. Besides you work too hard.”

Kate had shown him how to empty and wipe down the vessels on each table for sugar packets before adding more to ensure they are full. They worked at parallel tables, back to back.

Joe talked most of the time, telling her about his day, “I registered for school. Going to do it this time.”

Kate remembers her delight. She put her arms around him, despite the single coffee drinking in the corner.

Joe had sat at the table beside the work station where she had more work to do for the rest of the evening.  They had planned going to school together, even though they will be in different programs. She was happy with him.

Then there were the tiny gifts.

“I made this for you, while I waited,” Joe said, handing her a paper rose with a flourish, as she was leaving her last class of the day. He pulled her into a long kiss, despite being in her school hallway. It had made her laugh and push him playfully away, as he had grabbed her hand, leading her from the building.

The memory makes Kate smile, until she remembers later that night. The drunken accusations, followed by the cheating.  The hurts that couldn't be seen, eventually followed by one that could be, if you knew how to look.

Her best friend,  'Bo, accuses her of abandoning them all when she broke up with Joe.

“You didn’t break up with all of us,” ‘Bo says.

“I miss you guys, it’s just hard…” she doesn't finish her sentence out loud Joe’s always there too and it hurts to see him.

“It’s my birthday next weekend,” ‘Bo begins.

“Oh, I know, Happy Birthday!” Kate lights up.

“Come to the party? We can have a good time, like we used to.”

Kate agrees to go to the party.

'Bo greets her with a hug and a drink.

"It's been a long time", he pulls her close and talks into her ear directly,  "Joe brought someone with him" *relief* "so maybe you can be with me tonight." He pulls her into a whisky-soaked kiss.

Pushing him away,  sadness floods her - a tidal wave. Hard. Not my best friend after all?

Three years of friendship crumble like ash after a fire. Kate has another drink and another.  That burn soothes the pain.

Kate wakes up next to Joe, gets dressed, and walks home as dawn colours the sky.

Joe meets her at the end of her work day, in the parking lot, where he is having a smoke. He throws his arm around her shoulder.

"What’re we doing tonight, Katie?" he says with a grin.

Can I do this to him?  Kate moves away from Joe, steeling herself, and takes a deep breath. This time she can't meet his gaze.

"Joe, I’m still not your girlfriend. I'm sorry."

Joe stares at her for a long moment.  The muscles in his jaw clench. Anger and pain mix in his eyes,  before he turns and walks away.

The phone rings.

"I hate you! F*****g b***h. You ruined my life." Meth probably.

“I’m sorry Joe, I never meant to hurt you,” Kate says, she means it.

“But you did hurt me!”

“I know, we aren’t good together,” Kate tries to explain.

“Because you won't f*****g forgive me!”

“Forgiving is not the same as getting back together,” Kate tried again.

“Then you played this game with me.  Just f*****g me for fun. Is that what you do now? Just f**k whoever?”

“I’m sorry, that was a mistake-” Kate’s voice gets louder, defending herself, resolve fortified.

“S**t.”

She hangs up. Tears streaming down face fall on the phone. Guilt.

Not every night, but some nights, he calls. Kate answers. She doesn't know what will happen if she breaks, but she feels fissures forming.

“Hey Katie, baby, how’s it goin’?”  Ritalin maybe? Or E?

“I’m doing okay,” she answers. Where’s this going? She hears a giggle.

“Joey, get off the phone… I’m wa-aiting,” a voice behind him coes.

“Just wait,” Joe’s voice is muffled as he talks to his companion. “Katie, I miss you,” he says returning the the phone call.

“Seems like you got company,” Kate snaps. Am I jealous? I want him to move on. Right?

“Katie, say the word.  I’ll leave here, come to you.  You’re all I want.”

“No you’ve got what you want.”

“Just tell me what to do, I’ll do it.  I love you.  I miss you.  I need you. Anything. I swear.” Joe’s words are getting faster and faster.

“We can’t get back together, you know that,” Kate reminds him. He’s high again. I can’t take him back.

“But Katie, you’re the only thing that matters, I love you.”

“I know you do. Good night, Joe. Be safe.” Kate’s hand shakes as she puts down the phone. Anger and hurt fill the fissures in her resolve and she is surprised to find her face wet with tears.

Some nights he can't live without her, others she is a b***h or a w***e. The calls start to merge; love, need, threats and venom fuse into a single phone call. A new script being written.

Her phone is ringing. Kate does not answer. It rings again.  And again. Kate silences the ringer. The light continues to indicate incoming calls.  She does not pick up. The tears that fall are intermingled with relief. She lets her heart break.

Author's Note

Trying third person this time. Any suggestions for improvement?
I am aware that these situations tend to be much more complex than this story explores. The intense focus helped me tell a story of a reasonable length. Also, it's not that I think Kate should have waited for things to escalate, as indicated, before leaving, but I am aware that a catalyst might be needed to spur a change like the one she experiences.

Reviews

[Taylor]

Hi S. Mi, Sorry for being away for so long -- no good excuse, yes, the usual busyness, but c'est la vie. Anyway, to your story. I like the concept of the story, but it feels more like an outline for a story because so much of it is summarizing, rather than showing. At points, it comes alive with the dialogue but then the dialogue is truncated and I'm left with feeling, "Oh, I wish I could continue to hear what they said to each other." If you flesh this out -- with details, textures, sounds, smells, a dramatic process will become dynamic and the important message inherent in this situation will achieve a greater impact. I'd love to see you work a bit more on this piece -- it will no doubt wind up being longer but that's ok.

[Shannon]

Thank you for the feedback Taylor. And good to see you. I was worried I had honed it down to far. I am sure I will revisit it at some point!

[hcarson]

You arent too far off..this is very similar to how one of my relationships ended and this is generally how it goes...in fact had oe ended up dead it would have been the end of mine lol, well done, well wrote and too the point, no unecessary parts, just what was needed

[Shannon]

I am extremely sorry this rings true for you. Thank you for your feedback, that I captured it well means a lot.

[hcarson]

No need to be sorry...best thing that could have happened for both of us, i enjoyed this, well done

[Nessly]

I enjoyed reading this. It's a very sad story. I'm glad Kate was able to move on in the end.

[Shannon]

Thanks for reading.

[Nessly]

You're welcome.

[busterlee]

I see you took out the object. Without it I sense a real story. I like it maybe more that any other of yours. There is passion in it and I think that I require that in a good read.

[Shannon]

Thank you for stopping by to take a second look.

[Inject Positivity]

What I admire about this write is the way you kept the reality of modern world relationship as real as possible... I have witnessed this relationship in one of my frnd's life, she had to deal with it for a long time... I think here Kate honestly loved Joe, but the constant breaking of promises and lies in the relationship made it worse, and she tried to trust him even after the the mistakes he made thinking he would change but sadly he didn't...

The most sad part about the relationship was the threats Joe gave to Kate and the unfortunate remarks he made about her... As readers we think Kate was too much patient bearing all those abuse but I believe the circumstances made her react in that way, and she couldn't decide what to do... A story that reaches to readers mind and also show the reality of painful abusive relationships... Character set up, story telling all are symbol of your development as a writer... Excellent...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[Shannon]

Thanks for reading and reviewing. A story like this is sadly rather universal, isn't it? I feel like it does represent some development as a writer as well, so thank you for saying so.

[Inject Positivity]

Yes it is a sad truth... I do believe it shows you as a more developed writer...

[MuteB912]

Dhiman told me about the short story you have here and how you were having difficulties deciding whether or not you should have this marked under 'mature', but since it looks like you've already had that question answered I'll just go straight into my review. To start off, I think you did a beautiful job on depicting the relationship between the characters. This piece hits close to home for me and I'm sure for many others as well when it comes to an experience similar to this. I have one thing to add about your structure. When writing, you want to make sure you indent the beginning of each paragraph (including dialogue). This will clean up your story a bit and make it flow better for your readers. You have a few unnecessary noisy taglines that you can omit from your writing (repeats, replies, asks, etc.). They're not necessarily bad (sometimes you need them), but the last thing you want to do is over use/misuse them because they can be distracting to the reader and break dialogue flow. The only time it's fine to use a noisy tagline is when it gives more insight to the reader how your characters are speaking (or you are using the tagline to describe a character's voice). Some taglines like asked, said, exclaimed, etc. are all unnecessary because they are repeating what was already obvious in the dialogue. What I like to do in order to avoid noisy taglines is to describe my character's body language. It brings them to life and it's fun to use in certain situations (like if your character has a crush, or they're lying). I think a bit more body language in this piece would make an even bigger impact on your readers by showing them (taking it a step further) the love and hate that Kate has for Joe. I encourage you to play with that a little bit. It's always fun! Anyway, I hope my review is helpful.

[Shannon]

Thank you so much for stopping by to read and for the extremely helpful review. The things that you suggested make a lot of sense. I tend to caught up in words and forget how much other people like visuals.
Thanks again, I appreciate you stopping by at Dhiman's behest.

[Woody]

I loved everything about your story, narration, descriptions, dialogue and the subject matter but, and this is personal and honest, I was hoping for a shocker at the end. so the ending left me somewhat disappointed.

[Shannon]

Thank you for reading, Woody. I was aiming for realism. And frankly the end is a shocker, for the real world.
But based on my writing history a twist might be expected.

[Lyn Anderson]

I think this is a very realistic story, well done. I re-read it twice. I might take off the mature label. Difficult call. Admin is more focused on sexual content for a mature label. The problem with the mature label in here is it scares off some people who don't like explicit sex, and it blocks young people who are honest about their age.

[Shannon]

Thanks for reading and the feedback. I wish there was a way to mark a few basic kinds of content. With the two readings, did you have any suggestions for improvement?

[Lyn Anderson]

Other than expanding or fleshing out the characters a bit more, no. It is clear and concise. I did not note any obvious grammar or tense problems, which is usually what drags me out of a piece.

[Ana Papaya]

Hi S.Mi.,
I thought you did a good job with it.
It was realstic in that someone who is used to being abused will always put other people's needs before their own and so her winding up back with him that night is not the smartest thing but realistic, and also the apologies for hurting him... But yeah, we all have that tipping point where we realize enough is enough and she hit that point so I like the hopeful ending.
I thought it was good.

[Shannon]

Thank you Papaya, it was tricky to catch the small intricacies and make it believable and relatable. I put the mature rating on it, which definitely limits traffic. Do you think it belongs on there? Looking for another opinion. Won't hold you to it.

[Ana Papaya]

you're welcome. As for the mature label, if I use colourful language like the F word then yes, I use a mature label. But I'm not sure it matters really because any 12 year old that wants to read it will just change their birthday on their profile...

[Lost, n'MT]

Painful to read this, but the ending stings the most. Silence can be the loudest and most powerful message one could send. I can relate to Joe on a small degree, although still very different, and I find myself more understanding from Kate's situation. A very sad thing for two people to experience, both painful in their own unique ways, and very intriguing to be reading this from a third person perspective.

While I would desire to see this story continued, I don't see how it can be continued with the impactful ending, it expresses so much and is summed up as there's so many painful and relatable parts in this story. I think the length is fine, but it leaves me wondering what's in store for both Joe and Kate, but I suppose that can be detract from this story.

I appreciated this story and you recommending it, and you made this story so real that it makes me wonder if it's more than a story. I didn't read the note until after, but I still feel this story is too real to be improved from an emotional or realistic perspective. From a writing perspective, I don't feel qualified to offer any suggestions nor do I have any.

" She does not pick up. The tears that fall are intermingled with relief." brought me to tears because it's similar to how I expected this story to end, yet it brings whole new perspective reading it from a third person perspective. Very sad regardless of the perspective, and all too real...

[Shannon]

Thank you do much for the thoughtful review. I am both glad and sorry to hear it had such an impact on you.
I think the reader can choose where Joe and Kate go from there.

[Lost, n'MT]

You're welcome. I am glad to have read it and appreciative to better understand.
That is true, I suppose I was just hoping for happier continuation that I have yet to conceive in my mind. I still cannot think of a suggestion to improve it, I think it's powerful and complete just the way it is.