Anxious

 

There’s this way that people look at me sometimes. Like I’ve just said something so weird or incredibly stupid. Like, that they can’t even begin to understand even if they tried, even if they devoted their whole lives to figuring out. I can feel people’s eyes boring into me, sharp and pointy gazes like pieces of glass digging into my flesh.  And those looks stay with me, linger like an itch, a burning in my brain and I can no longer function.

 

And there’s this way that my voice echoes in my head after I talk and becomes worse and worse each time I hear it until its mutated into some sort of annoying gurgle or screech and I can’t understand why anyone would ever want to talk to me, when I say these grating, brainless things.

 

It’s like everyone’s watching me. Every second. And the only way to escape their gazes is by hiding in a bathroom stall and breathing heavily, heart pounding, eyes swirling. Their stares infect my mind  like a parasite, like something I wish I could cut out of my brain, so instead I try to pound it out or at least stop my mind from drifting towards these thoughts; these maddening, exasperating, suffocating thoughts.

 

It’s like when I’m sitting all alone, and I hear snickering, laughter. And I know it’s irrational, crazy. But I feel like their laughing at me. It’s like their voices are my own self-loathing, my own insignificance, my own dim-wittedness, stupidity.

 

And my own best friends will laugh between themselves. My closest friends in the world, and I’ll imagine a conspiracy about my own inadequacy, inferiority. They conspire and giggle about my inability to do simple chores, common sense things that I just never learned. And I wonder the whole time why this time they’re laughing, what this time I’ve done to give away my lowliness, insufficiency. And her , she’s supposed to be my friend, she means well, but her fake smiles, and curt politeness, satisfactory pleasantries that she just manages to perform while undergoing her own struggles just inflames my suspicions. At any moment she could be having a bad day, and any moment this could be her phase where she finds me irritating, hates me.

 

And after I’ve written this, I’ll throw it out or delete because nothing I write sounds adequate, or worthy, nothing I write can describe this suffering.

Maybe I'm crazy...

Reviews

[Antony]

another well written piece, your fear and suspicion will do you in unless you begin to focus on the positives of your life, you are a talented writer and should focus your thoughts with your pen, it just may help you to rid yourself of the negatives in your life.
Antony

[Rambling Prose]

Far from crazy! I found this to be an amazing write that obviously sprang forth from the ashes. The battle of the mind burns hot, is a terrible thing and has no mercy on its prey. This piece certainly came at a high price, but I'm glad you didn't delete it.

Continue to nurture your talent, because it's golden...

[kurrupted]

Inferiority complex, low slef esteem and lack of confidence has been a sutiation alot of us have faught in our lives, however just as in any negative situation we can channel it to positivity by not letting it get to us and by doing what we know we know makes us happy...believe me i go thru alot of these myself and that made me do alot of writing (script my thoughts down) and paste it for writerscafe to comment and that is a feeling that really cures..to see people comment positively by scripting what has affected you negatively.
BELIEVE ME I LIKE THE FLOW OF THIS PIECE, IT IS INDEED DEEP AND WELL PRESENTED. GOOD WORK, and thanks for sharing

[lonely poet]

feel within you so deep..
beautiful what you wrote.. but don`t lose your hope..
hazem