1/25/13

1/25/13

A Poem by xSamilynnx

A wave crashed over my head

Im slipping deeper, I can barely see the light

So close,                        yet so far away

I gasp as i struggle,

The weight of the dress dragging

             me

                   down

My eyes burn as the water clouds my sight

This day was suppose to be pefect

My head grows light and fuzzy

It feels like time itself has left me

All alone, my heart slowly panics

Its fear warning my body of the upcoming end

 

Ice cold fingers wrap around my brittle wrist

I fear im too far into this abyss

Im pulled in a direction I can not recognize

Up? Am i being freed from this watery grave

Down? Are they making sure i never awaken?

The water parts above my head

I feel the crisp air of night on my face

My lungs, still sore from the lack of air

Refuse to give in to the sudden supply

Rocks and wet sand welcome my body to land

My hearts, slowly coming to a stop

 

As I slip away I seem to float to the sky

I look down and see a boy, my age

Kneeling beside my limp, lifeless body

He looks up and screams as a light sucks me away

I look around, clear blue water shimmer in the moonlight

Im sorrounded by it once again

the events of the fatel night flicker before my eyes

Like a movie on a screen

Laughing,

               Crying,

                          Screaming,

               Drowning.....

feel the pain i had forgotten

Scratching,

                 Tearing,

                              Slicining,

       Tearing          

It stops, my body and the boy fill the "screen"

My black dress, now shining with blood and water

Hes trying to save me

Pounding my chest to make my heart beat

I try to see who he is, I know him, i can feel it

But his name is still unknown

He tilts my head and breathes into my mouth

I can feel my heart claim the breathe of life

 

My lungs take in the air and push out the toxic water

The bright light sucks me away once again

I float back to my body

I start to regain life

My eyes flutter open

The name of the boy, I now know

Its in my mind, Memories of long nights

Its falling from my lips, as i speak his name

And filling my heart

Making pain seep from its many cracks

© 2013 xSamilynnx


Author's Note

xSamilynnx
Its a cross between a short story and a poem

My Review

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Featured Review

I like how this is written! I think that line 8 sounds a little weird....I think that saying that water is clouding your sight sounds a little weird....Maybe you could say something such as "My eyes burn as the water blurs my sight" or "My eyes burn as the water begins to obscure my sight (or vision maybe)" I don't know if this helps but this is just what i think....Just trying to help :)
The third stanza is written very very well! It created lots of imagery and i loved reading it! As i was reading it i felt as if i was the character! This part of the poem was written very very well! :)
I, honestly, think that this is a really great piece of writing! Maybe you could make a book of poems such as a graveyard poem and create a whole graveyard of people! I think this poem would do great if it were connected to other people who died some how....This probably isn't making much since :c But i hope you can somehow understand what i'm trying to say :)

Good work though! This is one of my favorites by you

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

xSamilynnx

6 Years Ago

haha thanks!!!!!
xSamilynnx

6 Years Ago

and miss you bri, im gonna visit school the first week you guys start



Reviews

I like how this is written! I think that line 8 sounds a little weird....I think that saying that water is clouding your sight sounds a little weird....Maybe you could say something such as "My eyes burn as the water blurs my sight" or "My eyes burn as the water begins to obscure my sight (or vision maybe)" I don't know if this helps but this is just what i think....Just trying to help :)
The third stanza is written very very well! It created lots of imagery and i loved reading it! As i was reading it i felt as if i was the character! This part of the poem was written very very well! :)
I, honestly, think that this is a really great piece of writing! Maybe you could make a book of poems such as a graveyard poem and create a whole graveyard of people! I think this poem would do great if it were connected to other people who died some how....This probably isn't making much since :c But i hope you can somehow understand what i'm trying to say :)

Good work though! This is one of my favorites by you

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

xSamilynnx

6 Years Ago

haha thanks!!!!!
xSamilynnx

6 Years Ago

and miss you bri, im gonna visit school the first week you guys start
I really like how you added color and the way you formatted certain words. It really helps emphasize what you were saying here. Especially the "dragging me down" part. It literally goes downwards. This was very creative, yet also beautiful.

Posted 6 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Beautiful_Nightmere

6 Years Ago

I agree! I loved the color and how she formatted it!
I agree a lot with her c: ^^^^^^^
Nice!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

0.0 Nice... Really full of depth and curiosity, mystery and imagery. I was vaccumed imto the story/ poem XD I'm speechless. Great job! ^^ Thanx for writing.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

xSamilynnx

6 Years Ago

Thank you soooo much!!!
quarintine_deathangel

6 Years Ago

No problem! you're an awesome writer ^.~
xSamilynnx

6 Years Ago

haha thanks you are too
Powerful description took me to dangerous waters. The description was very detailed. I like the feel of struggle and the rebirth of life. I like the way the boy was used. Gave the story reason and balance. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

xSamilynnx

6 Years Ago

thanks!!
this is awesome, nice imagery. It's as if it was all lied out before me. good job.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This comment has been deleted by the poster.
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
xSamilynnx

6 Years Ago

*lied, before, a little haha n thanks :)
I love the story in peom style. very cool and well written!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

xSamilynnx

6 Years Ago

thanks!!

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Added on January 28, 2013
Last Updated on February 14, 2013
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Author

xSamilynnx
xSamilynnx

thornton, CO



About
im 15 years old favotire poem:goodbye my angel dear by tyler phillps (it was in a chicken soop for the teenage soul book) favorite song lyrics- "what a beautiful smile can it stay for a while on t.. more..

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the queen the queen

A Poem by xSamilynnx


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A Poem by xSamilynnx



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