Victim of a Life That Chose You

I've heard all the excuses, listened to all of the lies. I swear I can hear them over and over in my head. I keep telling myself that it's time to forgive and forget. Unfortunately, it's impossible to forget, and I'm not so sure I'll ever be able to forgive her for anything that she's done. I'm used to blocking the pain and hurt; I'm now just numb to it all. Her constant selfishness has proven her love to be non-existent. I'm no longer shocked by her intentions anymore. Somehow I have love for her because that demon is my mother, and I'm part of her. Our blood is the same. I can't run from her because we are more alike than I care to admit. Everything I do, I try to be the complete opposite of her. Our similarities make me cringe. Her very existence angers me from deep inside. I don't understand any of her actions but, my childhood memories don't remember her as the person she is today. It could be the drugs but, I don't speak to her enough to know if it could be.

 I have to admit; my life isn't bad at all, I have nothing to complain about, a decent job, a husband that tries. I guess everyone's life could be better somehow. I just don't see how any good could come out of everything I've ever been through. I want to wake up every day knowing that the agony is in the past, I want to move forward and grow myself. I know it's unhealthy to think about her the way that I do. She is just a leech I can't seem to get off. It's like every single cell in my body is full of hatred aimed at her. I know if I let the dark part of myself out, that I could hurt her. I wish she knew the pain she has caused for so many years. The same pain that my little sister will have to endure. The only difference is that my brothers and I had our fathers to try and save us from her. My sister has nobody, except me. So, I have to maintain a relationship with her just to make sure my baby is okay. I look at her and see the same pain, but like me, she is also hidden from the lying and drugs. That is until she gets old enough to understand everything. I'm hoping that by then, she can get the hell out of there as fast as she can.

 If I die before it's my time, I want her to read this and right her life. I won't ever be in her life the way she wants me to be; I'm too scared to get close. I honestly don't think she can live with herself with all of the kids gone, that's why she clings to Madison, the youngest of us all so tightly. She can't come to the truth with all the decisions she has made. I believe that's why she self-medicates with the alcohol, weed, pills, and all the other things I've known her to take. Somewhere along her life she tripped and fell, but never got up. We all tried to help her up, but she lacked the hard work and determination it took to get up. I try to tell myself she likes it down there under that rock but, I know she's dark, cold, and miserable down there.

 I cannot pity her; I am her flesh and blood. How can you try to drag your own kids down into the dirt with you? How can you even look me in the eyes and tell me you love me? I regret to inform you Mom; you lost your independence, self-respect, worth, love, mind, sentimental feelings, and your good looks along the path that you chose for yourself. I know how your mind got lost on that road, you're guilt ate it up, and now you're just a delusional psychopath. You wreck everything in your path, and it's irreversible. I wish I could help you, I've tried everything I possibly could. I have wasted my time and energy on you too long, all you've done is dig yourself deeper and deeper into the hell you lay in. Are you blind to everything you have done? You are my Mommy, how will you ever fix me? If I let you, you will spend your life stabbing me and reopening all the scars I have. I can only hope that one day you can raise yourself from the grave you have been buried in. Mommy, you have made me a walking carbon copy of you, I want to blame you but I can't. I made my own fucked up decisions in my own fucked up head. Ha! I watch my feelings dig my own grave.

 Good night