How the Trials and Tribulations I've Been Through Have Made Me Who I Am

The obstacles in one's life and how they overcome them have an impact on who they become. This is a very small portion of my story.

Throughout my life, even as a very young child, I had to deal with many obstacles and issues. While some were harder to overcome than others, there have been a few major ones that have shaped who I am today and how I view myself and the world around me.

As a young child I was never "popular". I had few friends throughout elementary school and middle school. To many of my peers I was perceived as "weird" and to my teachers I was extremely talkative and hyper, yet always extremely friendly. I was sensitive to the way others treated me and would often cry at the smallest insult. I also tended to have problems "remembering" homework and stress, which started in elementary school. At one point  around the fourth grade, all of my friends decided they no longer liked me. They stopped inviting me to play, sitting with me at lunch, and would even run away from me while laughing during recess. I found a couple new friends to sit with during lunch and play with during recess, but I still was never invited anywhere outside of school.

When middle school came I started gaining back some of my old friends as well as new ones. This is also when my issues with finishing and remembering homework became more obvious. Although I had started making friends again, middle school was the time when two of the biggest and the toughest obstacles of life began. In middle school my grades began to drop. I became depressed and I would become extremely stressed and anxious easily. This is also when I began to self-harm and think of suicide. Receiving bad grades only made this worse, but when it came to homework, my mind would be on anything but homework. As my grades dropped, so did my motivation. I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, or A.D.D., while in eighth grade, but at the time we did not know I also had depression. The combination of A.D.D. and depression made it extremely difficult for me to motivate myself to get good grades and finish homework. About half way through the eighth grade I began taking medication to help control my A.D.D., improve my grades, and aid in finishing homework. My grades did improve, yet my depression did not. While my family was aware of my unhappiness, there were not fully aware of the toll it was taking on me and the self-harm.

After graduating the eighth grade, the dream of high school became a reality. Yet my battle to overcome the obstacles of A.D.D. and depression were far from over. Like most incoming freshmen I decided to take a summer school course to familiarize myself with the monstrous, one million square foot, four thousand student campus that is Stevenson High School. I started making new friends immediately, some good and some not so good. Most of these new friends were older than me, mostly upperclassmen. What I felt was most important at the time was that boys actually started taking interest in me, not really boys my age but older boys. At the time I did not realize how bad of an influence this group I had befriended really was. My judgement was clouded because I was obsessed with the thought that it made me “cool” to hang out with this rowdy, well known group of upperclassmen. As freshman year started my grades began to drop again and I began to make some poor decisions. I have never to this day tried drugs or alcohol or participated in illegal activity, but during the start of freshman year I had done some things I am not proud of. I was sneaking around with friends my parents disapproved of, lying to my parents, and keeping a secret and toxic relationship from my parents. My A.D.D. medication did not seem to have an effect at the high school level and my grades were suffering. My depression and suicidal thoughts persisted even when I thought I was happy. As I started realizing the sheer stupidity of my decisions and lies, the depression became worse. I was angry with myself. Angry for letting these “friends” cloud my judgement, angry for letting myself be so stupid, and angry that I was alive. I felt like a burden to my parents; just one mistake after another and lies to cover up lies. My self-harm became more frequent, at least 3 times a day. The thoughts of suicide would not leave me alone. I felt alone and scared. I confided in a close friend who convinced me to go to my social worker at school and even came with me as support. I told my social worker everything: the mistakes, the dropping grades, the self-hatred, the self-harm, and the suicidal thoughts. I was a danger to myself. My parents were notified and I was taken to the emergency room for evaluation and for my self-harm to be cleaned of infection and bandaged. From there I was transferred to the Alexian Brothers Behavioral Hospital Self-Injury Recovery and Eating Disorders ward. There I was officially diagnosed with depression, an anxiety disorder, and an anger disorder. I went through an intensive in-patient therapy program for one week, then released to an out-patient day program for two weeks. I learned how to talk about what I was going through and how to cope when stress and the depression was getting to me. Most importantly, I learned how to talk. I learned how to let go and express my feeling and emotions to other people. I also learned how to communicate and rebuild bonds and trust with my parents.

After being released from the hospital, I was referred to a psychiatrist to handle my A.D.D. medication as well as prescribe any medications for any other disorders that my general pediatrician did not have extensive knowledge on. With the psychiatrist’s help we determined that my original A.D.D. medication was not a good fit. Not only did it not help control my A.D.D., it was known to increase depression in some children and teenagers. He prescribed a new medication to control my A.D.D.. This medication also acted as an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety. By testing different dosages we found the dosage that works best for me. While school can still be challenging, as it should be, I have noticed a great improvement in my ability to concentrate in class as well as finish assignments on time.

The battle to overcome depression and A.D.D. has been an extremely long and difficult uphill battle. Although it’s been a challenge, it has completely changed who I am and my outlook on life. I see every day as a new opportunity to enjoy life. When life becomes tough I remind myself that things will always get better, no matter how impossible it seems at the time. I have a honest and open relationship with my parents and I am not afraid to speak my mind and fight against things I feel are wrong. I have a new sense of motivation to succeed and make my life something worth remembering.

Author's Note

Critiques and constructive criticism always welcome. This was actually an essay I used for a college application.

Reviews

[maria ( rose)]

I don't know where to start. I guess a ))hug(( would work.

I was almost in tears as I was reading your story. I could feel your pain. Very heartbreaking to me.
I have to Congratulate you on your honesty and opening up to everyone here. I hope your story will help someone who may be going through this difficult disorder and depression. You said the key words..In your paragraph ''You learned how to talk''.Most important. I'm So proud of you. I love your ending,. I have a new sense of motivation to succeed and make my life something worth remembering. You sure do:) If you ever need me, I'm here for you . mariarose♥

[La Tigresa]

This was a well written essay, and I couldn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes (I'm usually very good at spotting those and make super long lists for most people, so I'm impressed that you did well- good job!).

The overall story that the essay tells is also a very relatable one. I know that this isn't your intention as you said that it was for a college application and all it is is your personal story, but I have to say that there were many moments where I found that I have a lot in common with you. I think most people go through moments like these, and it helps us all get through the day when we realize that we're not alone. Although I've never gone as far as you have I believe I've secretly been dealing with depression for two years now, although I'm 21 and I didn't grow up with those feelings like you have. I know what it's like to not have any motivation and to just feel hollow inside. Believe it or not, it helped me feel a little bit better reading this essay. :) Once again it was very well done.

My only complaint is that the paragraphs are humongous. Perhaps breaking them up into smaller ones would make it a less overwhelming read. The essay is short so it's not terrible, but if this were a longer essay or story I would probably faint if all of the paragraphs were that large. I hope this helped!