Flaming Treasures

This is a new one that follows a narrative.

“Flaming Treasures”

We found remnants of your bones

 

Latched in the crematorium, what a waste
Of a precious life that was my dear
All of your jewelry strapped, lying
In the steel pan, beside the strands of hair

 

Black locks appropriate for a beauteous
Creature like yourself, were did it all go?
We wasted years together, now I’m sitting
Crying inside, watching you burn

 

With your loving family, when
Those cravenly b******s took
Your life, my aorta snapped
The rope of affection was cut

 

By the shears of death I-
Can no longer weep tears of loss
Nor experience the joys of love
I stood there, shell-shocked, melancholy

 

Wasting away in the imploding element
Of lament, waiting to immerse with the terra cotta
While my only treasure, was engulfed in flames
I leave with my head bowed down, still waiting
For some semblance of fatal comfort
 

Author's Note

How's the narrative and lyricial content

Reviews

[Jessica Benfield]

this is so very awesome! you have very good imagery here! great job!

[Kara Emily Krantz]

this one is different.. dark. i do like it.

"I stood there, shell-shocked, melancholy"
I would find this line to have more impact, if you took out the melancholy. This is because you first use shell-shocked, which would imply a lack of a emotion - a sort of frozen state where you can barely breathe, let alone feel something such as melancholy.


"Wasting away in the imploding element
Of lament, waiting to immerse with the terra cotta "

This was my favorite line. Then I was thinking it might flow better if you used "lamentation" instead of lament. And/or "waiting to immerse within the terra cotta" - sort of like being enveloped by the earth, you know?

Just some thoughts. But i really do enjoy this piece... it has a lot of potential, for sure. :)

Hugs