pg 1

Doing it by pages instead of chapters, so shhh.

I let out a small sigh, pulling myself onto the bus. It was early in the morning, so not many people were around, but that was no surprise since no one in their right mind would want to get up at this time. School always threw off my schedule, but it didn’t help that I hadn’t gotten any sleep for the past few days after missing school. The other day I discovered that my deceased brother, Jace, had been murdered. They prevented us from doing our oh so peaceful funeral and took his body away, I couldn’t remember the last time I freaked out that bad.

It took a while for mother to calm me down before we could go home. I locked myself in my room, and refused to go out. I never cried, not even once, even with how attached I was to my older brother there just wasn’t any tears to be shed. Just the pure shock had made my body collapse into shivers, and it wasn’t until three days after that my father told me to get up and go to school.

There were multiple reasons as to why I didn’t want to go to school, all of them good ones. First of all, the town I lived in was small on the coast of California. Everybody knew everyone, so if something happened it didn’t take long for everyone to catch on. Specially when we were getting into the winter months, for some reason it was the time for gossip. So that meant, everyone would be asking me questions. Asking if I was okay, even if we weren’t friends, it confused me and I never liked being the center of attention in the first place.

Yet, that was how the world worked. It was my senior year of high school, and if I didn’t go the money would be on me now that I was eighteen. I didn’t want to worry my parents, after all, they were dealing with enough troubles. I wanted to try and distract myself so badly, but all that I could assume was how useless I felt in all this. Renea the police officer taking the case, is an old childhood friend of my mothers, she’s sort of like my godmother. Making my parents, very involved in trying to find out who murdered their son.

Author's Note

First page in my project, this is a serious project so any reviews are welcome on how to improve it.

Reviews

[Jonas]

This has a lot of room for improvement. Firstly, you need details. Lots of details. Name an event, object, point, and then describe it.
For example:
"We stared at each other." - This is what you're currently doing, "telling"
"We stared at each other, both lost in thought, our consciousness lost inside the dark abyss that were our pupils. Never did I enjoy oblivion so much as I managed to today." - "Showing", giving depth to the story and allowing for deeper imagery. This is key to any story.