Deadened

Deadened

A Poem by ShanZ-Turn
"

This Poem was inspired by the picture shown with it. I fell in love with this image, and these words just sort of flowed out when i looked at it....If anyone knows the artist please share

"

 

© 2008 ShanZ-Turn


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I actually think this poem may work even better without the graphic. The words you use paint a pretty clear image. My only suggestion would be to tighten up some of the language.

For instance, I thought that line four could be condensed to, "Feeling it in my toes, my eyes, my heart."

I also thought that line 6 could be worded better. I tried to come up with something in the time that I'm here reviewing your piece, but I can't think of anything. The dead lover metaphor, I think, strays too far from the otherwise cold and wet imagery. I dunno. Something about the line isn't working right for me.

Anyway, you have another pretty effective poem here. I hope my suggestions can be of some assistance. Have a good one and definately keep up the good work.

Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




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I think the graphic works perfectly. Once again, per our earlier email, I identify with the struggle here and I think the graphic adds the vision necessary to simply reveal the importance of what you're saying. Wonderful work, wonderful!

Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I actually think this poem may work even better without the graphic. The words you use paint a pretty clear image. My only suggestion would be to tighten up some of the language.

For instance, I thought that line four could be condensed to, "Feeling it in my toes, my eyes, my heart."

I also thought that line 6 could be worded better. I tried to come up with something in the time that I'm here reviewing your piece, but I can't think of anything. The dead lover metaphor, I think, strays too far from the otherwise cold and wet imagery. I dunno. Something about the line isn't working right for me.

Anyway, you have another pretty effective poem here. I hope my suggestions can be of some assistance. Have a good one and definately keep up the good work.

Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Truly inspirational!
I love the image, and your words upon it are the perfect accent.
I adore the line, "It envelopes me like a lover from a deep cold grave."
Now, that's poetry.

Keep writing!

Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

wow. this was... amazing. some people just have a way of making things sound poetic-and you are one of them. this flows nicely; and leaves a sort of depressing, beautiful, taste on your tongue. well done!

Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on June 3, 2008


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